Category: other

Un policia detiene a un joven por correr demasiado y le indica que por estar de buen humor, le dir� 3 adivinanzas y si las acierta no le pone la multa.

“Si viene una luz por la carretera �qu� es?” “Una moto.” No, porque puede ser Harley, Honda, Yamaha.”

“Si vienen dos luces por la carretera �qu� es?” “Un coche.” “Fall�, porque puede ser Bmw, Mercedes, Volvo.”

En esto el conductor le dice, “Bueno, la tercera la pongo yo. D�game, si ve una mujer alta rubia, con un bolso, muy provocativa, en una esquina y se acerca a la ventanilla de
un coche �qu� es?”

“�Hombre, una protituta!”

“�Pues no, porque puede ser tu madre, tu mujer o tu hija!”

If i want to hear from an a******, i’ll fart!

The Encino School Board has declared Jewish English a second language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as the language of many of America’s Jews.

Here are some descriptions of the characteristics of the language, and samples of phrases in standard english and jewish english. Samples of pronunciation characteristics: Jewish english or “Hebonics” hardens consonants at the end of words. Thus, “hand” become “handt.” The letter “w” is always pronounced as if it were a “v.” Thus, “walking” becomes “valking.” “R” sounds are transformed to a guttural utterance that is virtually impossible to spell in English. It’s “ghraining” “alghready.”

Samples of idiomatic characteristics- questions are always answered with questions: Question: “How do you feel?” Hebonics response: “How should I feel?” The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning: “She dances beautifully, that girl.” The sarcastic repetition of words by adding “sh” to the front is used for emphasis.” Mountains becomes “shmountains”; turtle becomes “shmurtle” Sample usage comparisons:

Standard English Phrase Hebonics Phrase “I hope things turn out for the best” “you should be so lucky” “he walks slow” “like a fly in the ointment he walks” “sorry, I do not know the time” “what do I look like, a clock?” “you’re sexy” (unknown concept) “anything can happen” “It is never so bad, it can’t get worse”

There is late breaking information that the Boston School Board has declared the language spoken by Italian-Americans a second language, to be known as “Italics.”

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber’s chair and said, “I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine.”

The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, “Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room.”

She replied, “I’m married and my husband wouldn’t like that.

The cowboy said, “Tell him you’re working overtime and I’ll pay you the difference.”

She said, “You tell him. He is the one shaving you.”

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. Revision for Confucius say 1… It
actually goes, Man who fart in church sit in own pea.

Whats got 20 legs and stinks of piss?

A pension qeue in the post office!

A nun was sitting at a window in her convent one day… when she was handed a letter from home. Upon opening it a $10 bill dropped out. She was most pleased at receiving the gift from her home folks, but as she read the letter her attention was distracted by the actions of a shabbily dressed stranger who was leaning against a post in front of the convent. She couldn’t get him off her mind and, thinking that he might be in financial difficulties, she took the $10 bill and wrapped it in a piece of paper, on which she had written, ‘Don’t despair, Sister Eulalia,’ and threw it out of the window to him. He picked it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped his hat and went off down the street. The next day she was in her cell saying her beads when she was told that some man was at her door who insisted on seeing her.She went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger waiting for her. Without saying a word he handed her a roll of bills. When she asked what they were for he replied, ‘That’s the sixty bucks you have coming. Don’t Despair paid 5-1.’

A family was renevating their house and was having new carpet
put in. After the carpet was put in, the workers realized there
was a large lump in the carpet. “It must have been my
cigarettes” said one of the workers. The second took a large
hammer and pounded it down until the lump was gone. Just then,
the wife walked in and said “I found some cigarettes in the
kitchen are they yours? By the way, have you seen my son’s
hamster?”

A lady, desperate for companionship took out an ad in the local paper.

It read: I need a man who won’t beat me up… won’t run away with other women, but he’s gotta be great in bed.

The next day the doorbell rang, and she found a quadrapalegic on her doorstep.

“You have no arms.” she said.

He answered, “I won’t beat you.”

“You have no legs.” she protested.

He said, “I won’t run away with other women!”

Embarassed she inquired, “How can you be great in bed?”

He answers, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

Why can’t Mexico beat us in the Olympics?

– Everyone that can run jump or swim is already here.

Q: Why are black people so swift on their feet?

A: From dodging coat hangers for the first 9 months!

this guy went to the local shaman and ask if there were any sutable sex toys and the shaman seid yes and sold him a vodo dick . the shaman seid voodoo dick door knob and it startid raming the door knob. so he gave it to his wive. she seid voodoo dick my vigina. it went up her .when she had had enof she sied voodoo dick stop but it didnt work so she got in her car but because of the intence plesure she couldnt drive streight . a police seid what is wrong so she told him and he voodoo dick my ass.