Category: other

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, “What is this, a joke?”

Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.

Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, “Hey DeBakey… Is dat you ? Come over here a minute.”

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car.

Morris in a loud voice, so all could hear, said argumentatively, “So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind ’em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are basically doin’ the same work?”

DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to Morris… “Try doing your work with the engine running.”

What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

No one to talk to during orgasm.

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.

The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in site, and the workmen were eating lunch.

The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say:
“Maybe we’d better tell him it’s a septic tank.”

Juan y su mujer estaban recogiendo los trastos en el desv�n y encuentran un recibo de una zapater�a. La fecha se�ala que el recibo ten�a once a�os. Los dos se rieron e intentaron recordar cual de ellos se hab�a olvidado de recoger el par de zapatos.

“�Ser� posible que todav�a tengan los zapatos?” le pregunta Juan a su mujer.

“No lo creo,” responde su mujer.

“Vale la pena ir a ver,” dice Juan, metiendo el recibo en el bolsillo y con eso, se va a la tienda.

Al llegar a la zapater�a le da el recibo al dependiente. El dependiente examina el recibo y le dice “Espere un momento que voy a buscarlos.” Y con eso desaparece para buscarlos.
Despu�s de un rato, Juan oye la voz del dependiente, “�Aqu� est�n!”

“�De veras?” dice Juan. “�Qu� suerte! No me lo cre�a despu�s de tanto tiempo.”

El dependiente vuelve al mostrador sin los zapatos y le dice, “Estar�n listos para el jueves.”

Why does Osama Binladin think that his people are rebels?

Because their new Pledge of Allegiance is

Hey mister taliban turn over Binladin, Daylight comes and we wanna go home,
Daylight comes and we wanna go home.

IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASEI was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”

“Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.”

“Well, I’ll be,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”

“I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does.”

Over a gynecologist’s office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.” On a plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.” On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.” Pizza shop slogan: “7 days without pizza makes one weak.” Outside a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.” In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!” Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: “We can help you pick your nose!” On an electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.” In a non-smoking area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.” On a maternity room door: “Push. Push. Push.” At an optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.” In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked ‘Say Father, what causes arthritis?’ The priest replies ‘My son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and comtempt for your fellow man’ ‘Well I’ll be darned’ the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper. The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologised. ‘I’m sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?’ ‘I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.’

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8′ X 10′ cell.

At work you spend most of your time in a 6′ X 8′ cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.

At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.

At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.

At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.

At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own loo.

At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.

At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.

At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.

At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.

At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.

At work we have managers.

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber’s chair and said, “I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine.”

The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, “Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room.”

She replied, “I’m married and my husband wouldn’t like that.

The cowboy said, “Tell him you’re working overtime and I’ll pay you the difference.”

She said, “You tell him. He is the one shaving you.”