Category: other

why are there no phonebooks in china???

Because there are so many Wings and Wongs, chances are u might wing the wong number!

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.

Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.

Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.

Brits: Can’t possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.

Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.

Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.

Canadians: Believe that that’s the government’s job.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.

Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.

Canadians: Can’t agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.

Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.

Canadians: Don’t, but only because they can’t get more American channels.

Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.

Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.

Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.

Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.

Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it “English”.

Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it “English”.

Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.

Aussies: Add “G’day”, “mate” and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.

Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.

Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.

Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.

Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.

Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.

Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.

Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Some of you may not find these at all funny but their is defintely a demographic that loves them. We decided to just collect as many as possible and throw them all onto one page. Enjoy!

Yo mamma’s so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon.

Yo mamma’s so fat her clothes have stretch marks.

Yo mamma’s so fat she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time zones.

Yo mamma’s so fat, she has two stomaches…one for meats and one for vegetables.

Yo mamma’s so fat she needs a hula hoop to keep up her socks.

Yo mamma’s so fat when she goes to a restaurant she doesn’t get a menu, she gets an estimate.

Yo mamma’s so fat, she sets off car alarms when she runs.

Yo mamma’s so fat, her belt size is equator.

Yo mamma’s so fat, when she fell in love she broke it.

Yo mamma’s so fat, she has to buy two airline tickets.

Yo mamma’s so fat, every time she puts an apple in her mouth people try to roast her.

Yo mamma’s so fat, when she turns around they throw her a welcome back party.

Yo mamma’s so fat, she had her baby pictures taken by satellite.

Yo mamma’s so fat she was baptized in Sea World.

Yo mamma’s so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.

Yo mamma’s so fat, when she went to the beach, she’s the only one who got a tan.

Yo mamma’s so fat your bathtub has stretch marks.

Yo mamma’s so fat she’s on both sides of your family.

Yo mamma’s so fat she’s like the Bermuda Traingle; when kids run around her they get lost.

Yo mamma’s so fat, when I got on top of her my ears popped.

Yo mamma’s so fat, when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas.

Yo mamma’s so fat, they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.

Yo mamma’s so fat, when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.

Yo mamma’s so fat, she has her own area code.

Yo mamma’s so fat, they ahd to grease the bathtub to get her out.

Yo mamma’s so fat, when she bungee jumps she brings down the bridge too.

Yo mamma’s so fat, when she bends over we lose an hour of daylight.

Yo mamma’s so fat, Bill Gates couldn’t pay for her liposuction.

Yo mamma’s so fat, when her beeper went off, they thought she was backing up.

Yo mamma’s so fat she shows up on radar.

Yo mamma’s so fat, she has more chins than the Hong Kong phone book.

Yo mamma’s so fat, her high school year book picture was an aerial picture.

Yo mamma’s so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.

Yo mamma’s so fat, her belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motion machine.

Yo mamma’s so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.

Yo mamma’s so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.

Yo mamma’s so fat, all of her clothes have to be custom made by a contractor.

Yo mamma’s so fat, when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 5 years to live.

Yo mamma’s so fat, she’s got smaller fat women orbiting around her.

Yo mamma’s so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.

Yo mamma’s so fat, her ass has it’s own congressman.

Yo mamma’s so fat, when she goes to the circus she sees the big top and asks “Where can I try that on?”

Yo mamma’s so fat, when she leaves the beach everybody shouts “The coast is clear.”

Yo mamma’s so fat, when the police showed her a picture of her feet, she couldn’t identify them.

Yo mamma’s so fat, she went on a seafood diet… Whenever she saw food she ate it.

Yo mamma’s so stupid, she sold her car for gas money.

Yo mamma’s so stupid she can’t pass a blood test.

Yo mamma’s so stupid that when she swam accross the East River, she got tired half way and swam back!

Yo mamma’s so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead, because she wanted to make up her mind.

Yo mamma’s so dumb she stole free cheese.

Yo mamma’s so dumb she asked for a price check at the $2 shop.

Yo mamma’s so stupid that when I asked her to buy me a color TV she asked “What color?”

Yo mamma’s so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

Yo mamma’s so dumb she brought a spoon to the Super-Bowl.

Yo mamma’s so dumb, she locked herself in a motorcycle.

Yo mamma’s so stupid, she climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side.

Yo mamma’s so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone.

Yo mamma’s so dumb it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

Yo mamma’s so dumb, she got locked in a supermarket overnight and died of starvation.

Yo mamma’s so dumb, when the sign said “Don’t Walk”, she froze and got hit by a bus.

Yo mamma’s so stupid, she ordered a cheeseburger without the cheese.

Yo mamma’s so dumb, on the job application where it said “sign here,” she wrote “Aquarius.”

Yo mamma’s so dumb she tried to drown a fish.

Yo mamma’s so dumb she put ice cubes in the freezer to keep the refrigerator cold.

Una pareja de sexagenarios acude a la consulta de un terapista sexual. Sin m�s pre�mbulos, el caballero le dice: “�Doctor, pudiera usted observarnos mientras tenemos un coito?”

El m�dico queda un poco at�nito, pero acepta. Cuando la pareja termina, el doctor les dice: No hay nada de malo en la forma como ustedes lo hacen, y les cobra $32.”

Esto sucede varias semanas seguidas. La pareja hac�a una cita, llegaba, ten�an relaciones sin problemas, pagaban al doctor y sal�an.

Finalmente el doctor les pregunta: “�Qu� es exactamente lo que ustedes est�n buscando? �cu�l es el problema que tienen?”

El viejo le dice:

“Mire doctor, le voy a ser sincero. Ella es casada y no podemos ir a su casa, yo soy casado y no podemos ir a mi casa. El Holiday Inn cobra $50, el Hilton $78; aqu� lo hacemos por $32 y el seguro me reconoce $28.”

Whats the kkk’s wapon of choice?

A chainsaw, because it goes “runnigganiggarun…”

u r so smelly that u scare skunks away

There are three guys who are good friends. One is an American, one
is Polish, and one is Italian.

They are driving together one day when they get into a car accident. They all die and float up towards the gates of Heaven.

When they get there, an angel who tells them they are all on the border of Heaven and Hell. As a result, they have the choice to either ask a question of the angel or be asked a question. If they answer correctly, or if the angel answers incorrectly on their question, they will pass into Heaven.

The Italian guy goes first. He tells the angel to ask him a question. The angel says, “How many grains of sand are there in the world?” The Italian guy says, “Um, four trillion?” and falls straight to Hell.

The polish guy goes next and wants the angel toe ask a question. The angel says, “How many drops of water are there in all of the world’s oceans?” He says, “Uh, ninety-eight billion?” and also falls straight to Hell.

Finally, it’s the American’s turn. He tells the angel he will ask the
question, but he needs a pencil and paper. The angel snaps his fingers and it magically appears. The American proceeds to take the paper, makes hundreds of holes in it with the pencil and farts through it. He then asks the angel, “Which hole did my fart go through?” The angel replies, “That’s easy,” and points to a hole.

The American says…
“No, it came out of this one!” and points to his butt, and then goes to Heaven.

Men’s Room Graffiti
Please don’t throw cigarette butts in the urinal;
it makes them hard to light.

Nina and Rosey, two old friends are having coffee when Nina says, “I hear that you’ve been telling people that I’m ugly!””Oh, no! I’ve just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive,” said Rosey.Nina said, “I also heard that you’ve been calling me fat!”Rosey replied, “Oh, no! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are.”Nina then said, “I also heard that you’re saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!”Rosey rolled her eyes and said, “Oh, no! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!”

You Know You’re in New York City When…

1. Nuns walk down the street carrying automatic weapons.
2. You can run into the corner deli and have an eat-in lunch with dessert in the time it takes to cross the intersection of 8th and 42nd at rush hour.
3. A flying saucer can pass overhead and you hear the locals say, “Ack. More damned aliens.”
4. The aroma of smoked meat is able to counteract the smell of smog and pollution.
5. The priest in the cadillac behind you gives you the finger for cutting him off.
6. You pass a convenience store advertising “Free green cards, no questions asked.”
7. The gas station attendants actually speak English.
8. The unearthly pounding of the cranked up bass in the El Camino next to you is drowned out by the cabshonking their horns.
9. A person with rainbow striped hair can pass bywithout anyone staring.
10. The bumper sticker on the senior citizen’s car in front of you reads, “Warning: I break for pedestrians.”

Three men are golfing. There is Jesus, Moses and an old man.

They’ve been pretty evenly matched until they arrive at the 11 hole to find a huge water trap. Moses tees up, and smacks that ball right out into the middle of the trap. Without a second thought he parts the water, hits the ball and gets it on the fairway, one stroke from the green.

Then Jesus tees up. He smacks his ball right into the middle of the water trap. Without a second thought he walks out on the water, and hits that ball right onto the green.

Finally the old man tees up. He hits the ball into the water trap.
A fish swims up from the bottom of the trap with the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, picks up the fish and carries it over the hole, where the fish drops the ball and it plops into the hole. Jesus looks at the old man as Moses pencils another 1 in the old man’s card. “Alright Dad, stop showing off”!

A british man, a french man, and an american man are on a safari in africa,
and they are taken prisoner by a savage group of villagers. as they’re being
brought to the village, they are told that death was their only option; however,
they each had their choice of the method they would use to kill themselves. the
british man requested a pistol, and cried out “long lives the queen!” as he blew
his brains out. the two others watched in horror as the savages flayed the man
and made his skin into a canoe. the french man was next, and he requested a
saber. “vive le france” was what he cried out as he disemboweled himself. the
american guy watched again what they did with his body, as they made his skin
into a canoe. the last guy, the american guy requested a fork in which to kill
himself. as soon as it was handed to him, he started stabbing himself violently
as he screamed “so much for your f****** canoe!”