Category: other

A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.”I do have three hearts,” said the doctor.”The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It’s $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 25 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It’s $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. It’s $500,000.””Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!””Yes, but it’s from a laywer. It’s never been used.”

wut do u call a mexican with out a lawnmower

unemployed

A handsome construction worker considered himself quite a stud, and indeed had no trouble persuading a good-looking recent acquaintance to come back to his apartment.

After making love to her, he rolled over and lit a cigarette.

His self-satisfied smile vanished, however, when the woman hopped out of bed and snapped, “You may look like Mel Gibson, but you’re lousy in the sack.”

The indignant fellow snapped, “I don’t see what makes you such an expert after only forty-five seconds!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman

Se encuentran dos prostitutas amigas en la calle y tras saludarse, una le pregunta a la otra:

“�C�mo te fue anoche?”

“Ayer me fue genial: me encontr� con un cliente que est� buen�simo, me llev� a su casa y lo hicimos toda la noche. Y a ti, �c�mo te fue?

“A m� me fue s�per: me recogi� un abuelito en un auto gigantesco, con chofer y todo. Luego, me llev� a un departamento tan grande, que parec�a cancha de f�tbol. Me sirvi� un trago y me pidi� que me desnudara. Entonces, yo le ped� a �l lo mismo. Y cuando est�bamos los dos desnudos me dijo: Prep�rate porque te voy a meter el pene”.

“Oye, �y qu� es el pene?”, pregunta la amiga

“Mira, es una mierda igual a una polla, pero un poco m�s blanda”.

A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls.When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, “Who are all those men in the pictures?”The usher replied, “Why, those are our boys who died in the service”.Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, “Was that the morning service or the evening service?”

Did you hear about the [ethnic] who was jealous of his newborn son?

He didn’t know it was the umbilical cord.

What’s the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield? It’s ass.

Why is Ray Charles always smiling?

He doesn’t know he is black!

Q. What’s the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?

A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Becky estaba en su lecho de muerte. Su esposo, Jake, manten�a constante vigilia a su lado. �l sosten�a su fr�gil mano, y mientras las l�grimas rodaban por sus mejillas, �l oraba por su esposa.

Ella lo mir� y sus p�lidos labios comenzaron a moverse quedamente:

“Mi amado Jake” susurr�.

“Calla mi amada” dijo �l “Descansa. Shhh. No hables.”

Ella, insistentemente, dijo con cansada voz:

“Tengo algo que confesarte”.

“No hay nada que confesar” dijo sollozante Jake “Todo est� bien,duerme…”

“No, no, yo debo morir en paz, Jake. Yo me acost� con tu hermano, tu mejor amigo y tu padre.”

“Ya lo s�” replic� Jake ” …�por eso te envenen� !”

Whats the kkk’s wapon of choice?

A chainsaw, because it goes “runnigganiggarun…”

REDNECK DRIVERS LICENSE APPLICATION

Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name:______________

First name:______________

(_) Billy-Bob (_) Bobby-Sue
(_) Billy-Joe (_) Bobby-Jo
(_) Billy-Ray (_) Bobby-Ann
(_) Billy-Sue (_) Bobby-Lee
(_) Billy-Mae (_) Bobby-Ellen
(_) Billy-Jack (_) Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
(_) Badd-Teddy Bob

Age:_____(if unsure, guess)

Sex: (_)M (_)F (_)None

Shoe Size:______Left_____Right

Occupation:
(_) Farmer (_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser (_) Waitress
(_) Un-employed (_) Dirty Politician

Spouse’s Name:_________________

2nd Spouse’s Name:______________

3rd Spouse’s Name_______________

Lover’s Name:___________________

2nd Lover’s Name:_______________

Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister (_) Aunt
(_) Brother (_) Uncle
(_) Mother (_) Son
(_) Father (_) Daughter
(_) Cousin (_) Pet

Number of children living in household:_____

Number of children living in shed:________

Number of children that are yours:________

Mother’s Name:_______________________(Relation_______)

Father’s Name:________________________(Relation_______)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

If you obtained a higher education what was your major?
(_) 5th grade (_) 6th grade

Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
____Total number of vehicles you own
____Number of vehicles that still crank
____Number of vehicles in front yard
____Number of vehicles in back yard
____Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you stared drvin ____
( if over 10 are you still slow lerrnin? (_) Yes (_) No

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____truck ____kitchen
____bedroom ____bathroom/outhouse
____shed ____pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup:___________194__

Do you have a gun rack? (_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to :
(_) The National Enquirer (_) The Globe
(_) TVGuide (_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun (_) Bassmasters

____Number of times you’ve seen a UFO

____Number of times you’ve seen Elvis

____Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO

Do you hunt Bear? If so, please do not explain

How often do you bathe:
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not applicble

How many teeth in YOUR mouth?_____

Color of teeth:
(_) Yellow (_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown (_) Black
(_) N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_) Red-Man (_) Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) don’t know

Distance between mobile home and Bubba’s House of Beer?____

How many times has you received a DWI this year?____