Category: other

In a New Hampshire jewelry store: Ears pierced while you wait.
In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses uncivil ought to
see the manager.
In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
On a movie theater: Children’s matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with
child.
In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.
In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.
In a toy department: Five Santa Clauses, no waiting.
On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices
and workmanship.
On military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.
On a display of “You’re my one and only” valentine cards: Now available in
multi-packs.
In an appliance store window: Don’t kill your wife. Let our
washing machines do the dirty work.
In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.
In a clothing store: Bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
In a men’s clothing store: 15 men’s wool suits — $100.00 they won’t last an
hour!
On an Indiana shopping mall marquee: Archery tournament. Ears pierced.
In downtown Boston: Callahan Tunnel/No End.
In the window of a general store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can
come right here?
In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.
In a New Jersey restaurant: Open 11AM to 11PM Midnight.
On a radiator repair garage: Best place to take a leak.
On a movie marquee: Now playing ADAM AND EVE with a cast of thousands!
In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please
see that the perpetual light is extinguished.
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from
any but their own graves.
On a roller coaster: Watch your head.
On the grounds of a private school: No trespassing without permission.
In a library: Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops
taking it away.
On a Tennessee highway: Take notice, when this sign is under water, this road
is impassable.
In front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can’t read this, it’s time to
wash your car.
At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass
container.
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.

When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and
are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their
last sins before they are made holy.

“And so,” says St. Peter, “have you ever had any contact with a
penis?”

“Well,” says the first Nun in line, “I did once just touch the tip of
one with the tip of my finger.”

“OK” says St. Peter, “Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on
into heaven.”

The next Nun admits that “Well, yes, I did once get carried away and
I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit.”

“OK” says St. Peter, “Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on
into heaven.”

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is
trying to cut in front.

“Well now, what’s going on here?” says St. Peter.

“Well, your Excellency,” says the Nun who is trying to improve her
position in line, “If I’m going to have to gargle that stuff, I want
to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it.”

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out of them?”

2. Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there… I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes out of it’s butt.”

3. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

4. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

5. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

6. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

7. If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

8. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

9. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

10. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

11. If Wile E Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap why didn’t he just buy dinner?

12. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

13. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

14. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

15. Stop singing and read on…………

16. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

17. Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your ass?

18. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

19. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Submitted by Admin
Edited by Calamjo

Un tipo va conduciendo y lo paran dos polic�as con ganas de joderlo:

“Buenas noches. Esto es un control de alcoholemia, pero tenemos el aparato estropeado as� que le voy a hacer una serie de preguntas para saber si usted esta bebido o no, �de acuerdo?”

“Est� bien, responde el buen ciudadano.”

“Va usted por la carretera. De frente ve dos luces que se acercan. �Qu� piensa usted que es?”

“�Pues qu� va a ser! �Un auto!”

“S�, pero �qu� auto? BMW, Mercedes, Fiat…”

“Y, �c�mo quiere que lo sepa?”

“Empezamos mal �eh? Creo que usted no va a pasar la prueba.”

Siguiente pregunta:

“Va usted por la carretera y ve de frente una luz que se acerca, �Qu� es?”

“�Pues qu� va a ser! �Una moto!”

“S�, pero �qu� moto? Kawasaki, Suzuki, Yamaha…”

“Y, �c�mo quiere que lo sepa?”

“Definitivamente creo que usted da positivo en la prueba de alcohol. Vamos a tener que llevarlo detenido por conducir en estado de ebriedad.”

El tipo ya est� molesto y le dice al Polic�a:

“�Puedo hacerle una pregunta?”

“Adelante, h�gala.”

“Va usted por una calle y en la esquina ve una se�orita que est� apoyada en un poste, lleva poca ropa, minifalda, un gran escote, y que est� moviendo su bolso en c�rculos… �Qu� cree usted que es?”

“�Qu� va a ser! �Una puta!”

“S�, pero �cu�l puta? �Tu mam�, tu hermana o tu abuela?”

Why was Ragedy Ann kicked out of the toy box?
Because she was saying “Lie to,Lie to me.”
to Pinochio

What’s the difference between a white owl and a black owl?

A white owl goes WHO WHO WHO A black owl goes WHODAT WHODAT WHODAT

A great standup routine which somone typed up!———————Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than ten years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.”How old are you?” “I’m four and a half.”You’re never 36 and a half….you’re four and a half going on 5. You get into your teens; now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number. “How old are you?” “I’m gonna be 16.” You could be 12, but you’re gonna be 16. Eventually.Then the great day of your life; you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony You BECOME 21….Yes!!!!!Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. What’s wrong? What changed? You BECOME 21; you TURN 30.Then you’re PUSHING 40….stay over there.You REACH 50. You BECOME 21; you TURN 30; You’re PUSHING 40; you REACH 50; then you MAKE IT to 60. By then you’ve built up so much speed, you HIT 70.After that, it’s a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday…You get into your 80’s; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30. My Grandmother won’t even buy green bananas. “Well, it’s an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one.”And it doesn’t end there….Into the 90’s, you start going backwards. “I was JUST 92.”Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. “I’m 100 and a half.”Happy aging!

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous “yes.”

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

“Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things–your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions–things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

“The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car.

The sand is everything else–the small stuff.

“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal.

“Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers.”

A young man once asked God how long a million years was to him.

God replied, “A million years to me is just like a single second to you.”

The young man asked God what a million dollars was to him.

God replied, “A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to
you.”

Then the young man got his courage up and asked, “God, could I have one
of your pennies?”

God smiled and replied, “Certainly, just a second.”

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thought the gentleman. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.”

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.

“This is fantastic,” thought the gentleman. “I’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he’ll ask me for assistance.”

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt’?”

Only one word leapt to mind. “My goodness,” thought the gentleman, “I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him.

Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, “I think the word you’re looking for is ‘aunt’.”

“Of course,” said the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

This British explorer is in the dark jungle going where no Western man has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook and trouble shooter in one.

One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man engaged in ‘playful activities’ with 10 beautiful, dark, young women all nude.

The young man had the biggest, strongest penis the Britisher had ever seen, or even imagined. He asked his guide who this man was?

‘He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, sir,’ came the reply. ‘This is his morning ritual.’

‘Ask him,’ the awed Brit said to his companion, ‘how did his penis get to be this size?’ The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation.

‘Well, what did he say?’ asked our hero to his assistant on his return.

‘He said, “There’s nothing wrong with my penis. Doesn’t the white man’s shrink in cold water?”‘

A fellow wakes up one morning, singing and whistling to himself, “I feel great, just great”. Goes down to greet his wife, and tells her, “I feel great, honey!”

She replies,. “Well you look terrible”!

He shakes his head and starts out to work thinking, “She’s probably in a bad mood, can’t appreciate my good feelings”. Meets his best friend, Joe and says, “Joe, I feel great”.

Joe looks at him and says “Jeez, you really look terrible”! At this point the fellow is becoming worried and wonders, “Maybe I’ve got some unusual disease or something.” He quickly calls his physician and heads on over for an emergency consult. He tells the physician, “Doc, I feel great, but everyone is telling me I look terrible.”

The physician replies, “Well, you do look terrible. Let me look this up.” The physician consults his handbook (Merck, of course) and leafing through the pages mutters to himself: “Feels great, looks great, no that’s not you”. “Feels terrible, looks terrible, no that’s not you”. “Feels great, looks terrible…Yes that’s you… “It says here you’re a vagina!”