Category: other

Reporter from Ohio heard about a church in eastern Kentucky that people there
held rattle snakes as a profession of faith. So he decided to check it out. he
went the following Sunday to the church and took his seat in the back row. Just
then the pastor came out with the 6 foot long rattle snakes and they began to
pass them down the rows. He began to sweat profusely and asked where the door
was to one of the usher. he replied ” Sir didn’t they tell ya that you can’t get
out while the church service it going on?” that make him even worse then he
asked “well then where is that back door?” and the usher replied “there aren�t
one.” “THEN WHERE DO YOU WANT ONE!?” yelled the reporter.

The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack. His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support.

That night the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off. Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one.

Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive. At 8:55 Mary walks into the office. “I’ve got a difficult decision” the VP says, “I either have to lay you or Jack off.”

“Oh, jack-off” Mary says, “I’ve got a headache.”

Tom is asked by his friend:
Your wife, is she ATC?

he replies:
No, she is 85B

Attempt to take the order-takers order.
(“Hi, may I take your order?”) before they get a chance to take yours.

Order confusing items, i.e.,
“Hi, I’ll have a large orange Coke and asmall medium fries, please”.

When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they’ll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to “check out the babe”.

A man went into a store and began looking around.

He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them.

He asked the sales person “How much are the washer and dryer?”

“Five dollars for both of them,” the salesman said.

“Yeah right, you’ve got to be kidding me!” the man replied sarcastically.

“No, that’s the price,” the salesman said, “do you want to buy them or not?”

“Yeah, I’ll take them!” the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers.

“How much?” he asked.

“Five dollars for the system,” the salesman answered.

“Is it stolen?” the guy asks.

“No,” said the salesman, “It’s brand new, do you want it or not?”

“Sure,” the customer replied. He looked around some more.

Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. “How much?”

“Five dollars,” was the familiar response.

“I’ll take that too!” the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him, “Why are your prices so cheap?”

The salesman said, “Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife. What he’s doing to her, I’m doing to his business!”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

Hear about the ninja that joined the army?…

.. the first time he saluted he nearly killed himself…

Una dama de sociedad visita a su p�rroco un d�a y le comenta:

“Padre, estoy muy preocupada, resulta que tengo dos cotorras hembras que s�lo dicen: somos prostitutas �quieren divertirse?”

El sacerdote extra�ado del caso, le dice:

“Eso es muy obsceno, pero creo que tengo la soluci�n hija m�a. Yo tengo aqu� en la parroquia dos loros machos, a los cuales les he ense�ado a rezar y a leer la Biblia. Ellos est�n muy educados y hablan s�lo de Dios, y creo que si traes a tus cotorras y las juntamos con mis loros, ellas se salvar�n y te las llevar�s a tu casa educadas y refinadas. Mis loros podr�n ense�arle a tus cotorras como leer la Biblia y como rezar en las tardes”.

La se�ora sale ilusionada con la idea y a la media hora regresa con las dos cotorras a la iglesia.

El sacerdote la hace pasar y la lleva hasta la jaula donde se encuentran los dos loros que, en efecto, est�n rezando muy bajito. Impresionada, la se�ora le da las dos cotorras al cura, y �ste las mete en la jaula de los loros.

En cuanto las sueltan dentro de la jaula, las cotorras dicen:

“Hola, somos prostitutas, �quieren divertirse?”

Se hace un silencio abismal. Finalmente, un loro mira a cada lado y le dice al otro:

“Jos�, qu�tate el h�bito, nuestras plegarias al fin han sido escuchadas”.

Why did Dennis Rodman get kicked out of the game? Because his purse didn’t match his shoes.

What do Osama bin Laden and crabs have in common?
They both irritate Bush.

A LARGE, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were
looking for a good lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny little guy showed up at the camp with his axe, and
knocked on the head lumberjacks’ door. The head lumberjack took one look at the
little man and told him to scram.

“Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,” said the skinny man.
“Okay, see that giant redwood over there?” said the lumberjack.
“Take your axe and go cut it down!”

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking
on the lumberjack’s door. “I cut the tree down,” said the little man.

The lumberjack couldn’t believe his eyes and said, “Where did you get the
skill to chop down trees like that?”

“In the Sahara Forest,” replied the puny man.
“You mean the Sahara Desert,” said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back…
“Oh sure, that’s what they call it now!

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.

The man asks, “Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?”

The nurse explains, “The hot chocolate will help him sleep.”

The man says, “And the Viagra?”

“Keeps him from falling out of bed.”

A lady was a huge Paul MCCartney fan and wanted a tattoo of him on the inside of her thigh. She went to the parlour and told the guy what she wanted.

He says: “OK, take your skirt and underwear off and sit in the chair with your legs apart”.

She did that and he started on the tattoo. Pretty soon he’s done, blows off the dust and admires his work.

“Who the heck’s that?” she says.
“It’s Paul McCartney”, he replies.

“Doesn’t look like him at all” says she. “Now get it right or I’ll report you”.

So the tattooist starts on the other thigh. Really trying hard to do a better job. Finally he’s done, blows off the dust and feels pretty good.

The woman is pissed off “No way that’s Paul Mccartney” she says.
“It bloody well is” says the man. “Listen I’ll get a second opinion”

He goes out of his store and grabs the first person he sees. The guy is a drunk who’s been stumbling along the sidewalk. The tattooist drags the drunk into his store. There’s the woman, sitting legs apart with nothing on below her waist.

The tattoist says to the drunk (pointing at the womans legs)…
“Tell me who the hell you think that is”.

The drunk says (in a drunken slur voice), “I’ve no idea who the people are on her thighs but the guy in the middle is a dead ringer for Willie Nelson”!