Category: other

Cierto d�a, Pepito se estaba ba�ando con su mam� y, al verle la crica, le pregunta:

“Mami, �qu� tienes ah�?”

“Es un estropajo. �Deja de hacer preguntas y ap�rate que se nos hace tarde!”

Al d�a siguiente, vuelven a ba�arse juntos, pero en esa ocasi�n la madre se pone pantaletas para evitar preguntas, pero, a�n as�, Pepito la interroga:

“�Y tu estropajo?”

“Lo perd�, y ya deja de hacer esas preguntas”.

D�as despu�s, Pepito corre a buscar a su mam� gritando:

“�Mam�, mam�, ya encontr� tu estropajo!”

Sorprendida, la mujer, le pregunta:

“�Qu� dices? �Y d�nde est�?”

“Lo tiene la criada, lo que pasa es que le est� lavando la cara a mi pap�”.

A burglar broke into a house. While ransacking the house he heard a voice
“God is watching you!” the voice said.

Startled, the burglar looked
around and saw nothing and surmised he must be hearing things and went
about his business of looting the place.

Again he heard a voice saying
“God is watching you!” Looking around this time he saw a parrot in a cage
in the corner of the room. Walking up to the parrot he said “Did you say
that”?

The parrot replied “Yes”

“What’s your name”? said the
burglar.

The parrot replied “Rover”.

The burglar exclaimed “What kind of
people would name their parrot Rover”?

The parrot replied “Probably the
same ones that named their Doberman ‘God!'”

Va un sujeto viajando en su auto por la carretera a 120 Km/h. Estaba por llegar a su destino, cuando uno de los camiones que ven�a detr�s de �l se apura para alcanzarlo; le sopla unos bocinazos y le hace se�as para que pare. El hombre se detiene, y el camionero le informa que 50 Km atr�s se le cay� la mujer del auto.

“�Gracias a Dios, pens� me hab�a quedado sordo!”

A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had
illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky
handwriting to God. He thought, �I better open this one and see what it�s all
about.�

So he opened it and it read: �Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow
living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a
hundred dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension
check.� �Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for
dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with.� �I have no family
to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?�

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the
others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the
time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an
envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm
glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.

Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old
lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read, �Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?�
�Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. ��By the
way, there was 4 dollars missing. It was no doubt those thieving bastards at the
post office.�

An 80-year old man was having his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.”I’ve never been better!” he boasted. “I’ve got an eighteen year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.” The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried.Dumbfounded, the old man replied, “No.”The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!””That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man. “Someone else must have shot that bear.””That’s kind of what I’m getting at,” replied the doctor.

How do you fix a woman’s watch? You don’t � there’s a clock on the oven!

Tired of the boring “straights” she’d been laying, a girl decided she’d find out if bikers were really the heavy “cocksmen” that she heard they were.

So she picked up a gigantic biker and went with him up to his pad.

Stripped and ready, anxiously awaiting some real action, she was astonished to see that his fully erect dick was only two inches long.

“Who,” she demanded scornfully, “do you think you’re going to satisfy with that?”

Grinning confidently, the biker replied, “Me!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

Un d�a, se encuentran Manolo y Venancio en un parque:

“Hola, Manolo”.

“Hola, Venancio”.

“�Qu� te pasa, hombre, que est�s as�?”

“Oh, qu� no sabes lo que me ha pasado: mi mujer se ha enfermado de apendicitis y hay que operarla; mi hija se ha roto una pierna al caerse de un �rbol, y he visitado al m�dico y me ha dicho que tengo muy mal los ri�ones”.

“�Hombre, Manolo, que est�s mal!”

“�Jolines, y lo peor del caso es que me he quedado sin un c�ntimo!”

“�C�mo va a ser, Manolo, un hombre que ahorra tanto como t�?”

“S�, pero has de saber que esos dos millones ahorrados son para una emergencia, �hombre!”

Selma, an elderly Jewish lady was leaving the garment district to go home from
work. Suddenly a man who had been walking towards her, stood in front of
her, blocked her path, opened up his raincoat and flashed her.

Unruffled she took a look and said, “This you call a lining?”

A couple were in bed after celebrating their golden anniversary. The wife Said, “Darling, embrace me the way you used to when we first got Married.” He did.

“Now kiss me the way you used to…”

“Now darling, bite me the way you used to.”

At this point the husband got out of bed and the wife said, “Where are you going dear?”

“To get my teeth, dear,” the husband replied.

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.

“How was work, dear?” his wife asks.

“Listen! I don’t want to talk about work!” he shouts.

“Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?” she asks nicely.

“Listen!” he shouts again. “I’m not hungry! I don’t wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?”

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, “Well, I guess it’s that time of the month.”

Find a cure for AID’s, tell no one.

Build a giant eraser by scraping pencil erasers into a shoe box.

count all of the hairs on your body.

calcutate the amount of inches from where you are to the moon,
once finished, do the same for every planet in the solar system.

construct the statue of liberty, with toothpicks.

dig a hole that you can bury a car in, using a spoon.

try gaining weight, by eating celery

Do you whole classes math homework

watch every movie ever made, in one sitting.

learn every foriegn language

ask your grandparents about their life. (try to act interested)