Category: other

A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, “if you marry my daughter, i’ll
make you a partner, give you an expense account, a mercedes, and a million
dollar annual salary.”
the guy says, “what’s wrong with her?” the boss shows him a picture, and she’s
hideous.

the boss says, “it’s only fair to tell you, she’s not only ugly,
she’s as dumb as a wall.”

the guy says, “i don’t care what you offer me, it ain’t worth it.”

the boss says, “i’ll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a
mansion on long island.”

the guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.
about a year later, the guy buys an original van gogh and he’s about to hang it
on the wall. he climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, “bring me a hammer.”

she mumbles, “get the hammer. get the hammer,” and she fetches the hammer.

the guy says, “get me some nails.” she mumbles, “get the nails. get the
nails,” and she gets him some nails.

the guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he
yells, “f***!”

she mumbles, “get the bag. get the bag.”

Muldoon, the farmer, lived alone in the countryside with his pet dog of many
years. Eventually, his dog died of old age. Muldoon went to the parish priest.

“Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the poor
creature?”

Father Patrick replied, “Muldoon, I’m sorry to hear of your dog’s death, but
we can’t be holding services for an animal in the church. However, there’s a new
denomination down the road, and maybe they would do something for the animal.”

Muldoon said, “Thank you, Father. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for
the service?”

The Father quickly responded, “Son! Why didn’t you tell me the dog was
Catholic?!”

Un hombre est� volando en un globo aerost�tico y se da cuenta de que se encuentra perdido. Mientras hace algunas maniobras ve a un tipo caminando por el campo. El hombre hace descender el globo algunos metros y grita:

“Perdone, �me puede decir d�nde estoy?”

A lo que el hombre que est� abajo responde: “Usted est� en un globo aerost�tico, suspendido a unos 10 metros del suelo.”

“Usted es inform�tico �verdad?”, dice el del globo.

“As� es”, dice el de abajo. “�C�mo se ha dado cuenta?”

“Bueno”, dice el del globo. “Todo lo que usted me ha dicho es t�cnicamente correcto, pero no resulta de utilidad para nadie.”

Y el de abajo responde: “Y usted debe de ser un usuario de computadora.”

“Exacto”, responde el del globo. “�C�mo lo ha sabido?”

“Sencillo. Usted no sabe d�nde se encuentra, ni hacia d�nde va, pero espera que yo le pueda ayudar. Usted est� en la misma situaci�n que antes de que nos encontr�semos, pero ahora cree que la culpa la tengo yo.”

Sarah handed in her report which was neatly typed in double
spaced 12 font. The next week, Ms. Tea the teacher told another
girl, Rebecca to hand out the reports that were graded.
Everyone got theres back except Sarah. “Oh no, she thought, I
hope she didn’t lose it, i worked so hard on it!” So Sarah went
up to Ms. Tea and asked where her report was. Ms Tea said, “
Oh, i liked it and all, but on the back of it, it said, Ms. Tea
loves making out with an elephant!” Sarah said, ” it must have
been my brother henry, he always messes around with my stuff!
Last night, he must of wrote that horrible sentence while i was
taking a shower! Ms. Tea said, ” oh, then i feel bad for you
Sarah, here, i loved this report, i give you an A+! Oh and here
is a lollipop for the wonderful job! The next day, another
report was due, and it was an oral report this time. It was
Sarah’s turn up, and she wrote about George Washington. “
George Washington as you all know, was our first president, and
i found out that he never was a liar, unlike Ms. Tea, who always
lies. Yes, she says she does classroom work at lunchtime, but
really, she goes into the janitor closet with a guy and… “
Can You please come up here please Sarah at once!” Ms. Tea was
furious. ” Do you know what you just read?” she asked. Sarah
said, ” no, i was just reading my paper, i wasn’t paying any
attention to what i was reading! But i just noticed, and you
know what? I think it was henry again, last night, while
brushing my teeth, he probably changed it! AGAIN! He is always
trying to get me into trouble, ALWAYS! The last week, he put
toothpaste in my pants in my drawer, then mom found out, and
punished me because she thought i wasted toothpaste, and i had
to use the toothpaste out of my pants to brush my teeth from
then on till now!” Ms. Tea them suddenly changed her
expression, and said, ” oh i really feel soooo bad for you,
heres another A+ and a lollipop! Good job!” That night, Ms.
Tea phoned Sarah’s mother and said ” Hello, this is Ms. Tea,
sarah’s teacher.” Sarah’s mother said ” oh what has she done
now?” Ms tea said, ” oh nothing, nothing at all, its just that i
think you should watch over henry, sometimes henry does things
to get Sarah into trouble, and… ” Wait, hold on,” said Sarah’s
mother, ” Who’s Henry??

Being a doctor is easier then being an engineer,
because you don’t build things, you just fix them.

I see this on a jeep every morning when I walk to school, and I
just wanted to share it:

I’d hit you, but shit splatters.

Una pareja de ancianos se decide a hacer travesuritas. Cuando ambos se desnudan, �l exclama:

“�Ay, mi amor, como tienes de canas all� abajo!”

“No son canas, son telara�as, �viejo in�til!”

Una se�ora que estaba cumpliendo 85 a�os, muy admirada en el pueblo por ser la �nica profesora de �rgano, recibe una llamada telef�nica del cura del pueblo notific�ndole que pasar�a a su casa por la tarde para darle la felicitaci�n por su onom�stico.

Cuando el padre llega a la casa de la anciana se da cuenta que sobre el �rgano que tiene la viejita en la sala hay un jarr�n de vidrio lleno de agua con un cond�n flotando. El sacerdote no puede creer lo que ve y trata de disimular su asombro ante la anciana.

Luego de un rato hablando sobre todo lo que la mujer ha hecho en 85 a�os de vida y haberse tomado dos cafecitos, el cl�rigo sigue at�nito de ver el cond�n flotando en la jarra de vidrio, as� que no aguanta m�s y decide salir de su curiosidad, y con trabajo le pregunta:

“Perdona, hija, pero, �me podr�as explicar qu� es eso?” (Apuntando al jarr�n).

“Ah, claro que s�, eso es algo maravilloso que me encontr� hace diez a�os. Recuerdo que paseando por el pueblo, de pronto vi un sobrecito en el piso que dec�a en letras muy peque�as: Col�quelo sobre el �rgano, mant�ngalo h�medo y prevendr� cualquier enfermedad. Y desde entonces, no lo va a creer, pero ni resfriados me han dado…”

The 2000 Darwin awards!First Runner Up Award goes to …(22 March 1999, Phnom Penh) Decades of armed strife has littered Cambodia with unexploded munitions and ordnance. Authorities warn citizens not to tamper with the devices. Three friends recently spent an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults at a local cafe in the southeastern province of Svay Rieng. Their companionable arguing continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded anti-tank mine found in his backyard. He tossed it under the table, and the three men began playing Russian roulette, each tossing down a drink and then stomping on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror. Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the three men in the bar. “Their wives could not even find their flesh because the blast destroyed everything,” the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper reported.

Everyone knocks our (local) school system as having major flaws in the way they teach, but what can you say about a school where the fire drill is a written test?

Un d�a, se encuentran Manolo y Venancio en un parque:

“Hola, Manolo”.

“Hola, Venancio”.

“�Qu� te pasa, hombre, que est�s as�?”

“Oh, qu� no sabes lo que me ha pasado: mi mujer se ha enfermado de apendicitis y hay que operarla; mi hija se ha roto una pierna al caerse de un �rbol, y he visitado al m�dico y me ha dicho que tengo muy mal los ri�ones”.

“�Hombre, Manolo, que est�s mal!”

“�Jolines, y lo peor del caso es que me he quedado sin un c�ntimo!”

“�C�mo va a ser, Manolo, un hombre que ahorra tanto como t�?”

“S�, pero has de saber que esos dos millones ahorrados son para una emergencia, �hombre!”

Selma, an elderly Jewish lady was leaving the garment district to go home from
work. Suddenly a man who had been walking towards her, stood in front of
her, blocked her path, opened up his raincoat and flashed her.

Unruffled she took a look and said, “This you call a lining?”