Category: other

Did you hear about the tragedy in Poland?

In Poland’s largest shopping mall, there was a terrible power outage. People were stuck on the escalators for 4 hours.

Los padres preocupados al ver que a su hijo reci�n nacido la falta culo y le sobra mucho, mucho de lo otro… lo llevan al cirujano pl�stico:

“Doctor, dice el padre, mire el ni�o como naci�, queremos que le ponga culo.”

El doctor lo mira asombrado:

“�Miren se�ores, si quieren se lo mamo, pero el culo no se lo pongo a este hijo de puta, ni por el carajo!”

How do you drown a Haitian?

Give him a shoebox and tell him it floats.

A minister told his congregation, ”Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.” The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, ”Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”

How can you tell the stage you’re playing on is level? The banjo player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

There are three Jewish mothers bragging about their sons. The first one says “My son is very successful. He is the best lawyer in New York City.” The second one says “My son has done better than that. He is the best Doctor in New York City.” The third one says “My son has not done that well. He does not have a very good job, and he is homosexual. But he has these two great boyfriends….One is the best lawyer in New York City, and the other is the best doctor in the city.”

One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church.

“Reverend,” he said, “I have a problem – my wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?”

“I have an idea,” said the minister. “Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg.”

In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work.

“And who pray made the ultimate sacrifice for you?” he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.

“Jesus!” Mrs. Jones cried as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the hatpin.

“Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones,” said the minister.

Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. “Who is your redeemer?” he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones.

“God!” Mrs. Jones cried out as she was stuck again with the hatpin.

“Right again,” said the minister, smiling.

Before long, Mrs. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice.

As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet his wife with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, “And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?”

Mr. Jones poked his wife, who yelled, “You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I’ll break it off and shove it up your ass!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

What is the difference between a BMW & a porcupine? The pricks are on the inside.

Grow your own dope! Plant a man.

“I left my other vehicle in the broom closet.”

“Jesus is coming… and boy, is he pissed!

Don’t laugh…….your daughter may be in here!!

Neuter Newt.

“BEER … IT’S NOT JUST FOR BREAKFAST ANYMORE!”

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.

No Matter Where You Go, There You Are.

My Child Can Beat Up Your Honor Student.

Cats Flattened While You Watch.

I May Be Fat but You’re Ugly – and I Can Lose Weight.

Stamp Out Crime – Abolish the IRS

Dare to keep the CIA off Drugs.

Quit Sniveling.

Stupid People Shouldn’t Breed.

Kissing a Smoker is like Licking an Ashtray

Happiness is Coming.

Have You Flogged Your Crew Today?

Forget the Whales, Save the Cowboy.

Eat American Lamb. Ten Million Coyotes Can’t be Wrong.

I’m From the Government. I’m Here to Help You.

Blood Sun Earth

Old Skiers Never Die. They Just go Downhill.

Money Isn’t Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.

Disarm Rapists

Commit Random Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty

Happiness is the Ball in the Fairway.

Have You Hugged Your Stockbroker Today?

My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

My Mother was a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips

I brake for Hallucinations.

Illiterate? Call This Number for Help…

Welcome to Colorado – Now Go Home

If You Love Jesus Tithe – Any Fool Can Honk

I’m OK. You’re So-So.

Will Rogers Never Met Howard Cosell.

Smile – Its The Second Best Thing you can do with Your Lips.

“Telling an Old Person He’s Useless Is Abortion on the Other End”

Scixelsyd Etinu. [Read Backwards]

Use Caution in Passing – Driver Chewing Tobacco

If Men Could Have Abortions, It Would Be a Sacrament

Ask First If The Animal Wants To Be Killed

Your Mother’s Choice was Pro-Life. [Waah…]

Don’t Honk – I’m Pedaling as Fast as I Can

If You Can Read This Bumper Sticker, You’re In Range

This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random

Black Holes Suck.

This vehicle does not turn left on red

“Ask me about microwaving cats for Fun & Profit”

RUGBY PLAYERS EAT THEIR YOUNG

JESUS IS COMING…….LOOK BUSY!

“I’m up and dressed. What more do you want?”

MONEY IS THE ROUTE TO ALL EVIL– send $9.95 for more info.

I Have PMS And I Have A Gun!

GIVE BLOOD…PLAY HOCKEY.

And Finally, “Help Stamp Out Bumper Stickers.”

Llega un tipo al consultorio m�dico:

“Doctor, doctor, vengo a que me examine el tobillo porque tengo un desgarre y me duele mucho”.

“Muy bien, qu�tese la ropa”.

“A m� me duele el tobillo, �por qu� tengo que desvestirme?”

“�Qui�n es el m�dico, usted o yo?”

“Usted, doctor”, le contesta quit�ndose la ropa.

“Ahora, qu�tese los calzoncillos”.

“Pero, doctor”.

“�Qui�n es el m�dico, usted o yo?”

Quit�ndose los calzoncillos:

“Usted, doctor”.

El galeno le pide al paciente:

“Ahora, incl�nese”.

El enfermo se inclina y el facultativo le mete tremenda pija; el paciente pega tremendo grito y el profesional lo reprende:

“Eso que acaba de sentir es un desgarre. Lo que usted tiene en el tobillo es un esguince”.

Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a
fast-food seafood restaurant?

– One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.

Sarah handed in her report which was neatly typed in double
spaced 12 font. The next week, Ms. Tea the teacher told another
girl, Rebecca to hand out the reports that were graded.
Everyone got theres back except Sarah. “Oh no, she thought, I
hope she didn’t lose it, i worked so hard on it!” So Sarah went
up to Ms. Tea and asked where her report was. Ms Tea said, “
Oh, i liked it and all, but on the back of it, it said, Ms. Tea
loves making out with an elephant!” Sarah said, ” it must have
been my brother henry, he always messes around with my stuff!
Last night, he must of wrote that horrible sentence while i was
taking a shower! Ms. Tea said, ” oh, then i feel bad for you
Sarah, here, i loved this report, i give you an A+! Oh and here
is a lollipop for the wonderful job! The next day, another
report was due, and it was an oral report this time. It was
Sarah’s turn up, and she wrote about George Washington. “
George Washington as you all know, was our first president, and
i found out that he never was a liar, unlike Ms. Tea, who always
lies. Yes, she says she does classroom work at lunchtime, but
really, she goes into the janitor closet with a guy and… “
Can You please come up here please Sarah at once!” Ms. Tea was
furious. ” Do you know what you just read?” she asked. Sarah
said, ” no, i was just reading my paper, i wasn’t paying any
attention to what i was reading! But i just noticed, and you
know what? I think it was henry again, last night, while
brushing my teeth, he probably changed it! AGAIN! He is always
trying to get me into trouble, ALWAYS! The last week, he put
toothpaste in my pants in my drawer, then mom found out, and
punished me because she thought i wasted toothpaste, and i had
to use the toothpaste out of my pants to brush my teeth from
then on till now!” Ms. Tea them suddenly changed her
expression, and said, ” oh i really feel soooo bad for you,
heres another A+ and a lollipop! Good job!” That night, Ms.
Tea phoned Sarah’s mother and said ” Hello, this is Ms. Tea,
sarah’s teacher.” Sarah’s mother said ” oh what has she done
now?” Ms tea said, ” oh nothing, nothing at all, its just that i
think you should watch over henry, sometimes henry does things
to get Sarah into trouble, and… ” Wait, hold on,” said Sarah’s
mother, ” Who’s Henry??