Category: other

En su primer viaje como piloto de avi�n, Venancio presencia la muerte de su capit�n de vuelo a consecuencia de un paro cardiaco.

Una vez cerciorado de que el capit�n est� bien muerto, Venancio se comunica con la torre de control:

“�Jolines, ac� Venancio pidiendo contacto con alguna torre de control!”

“Aca torre de control, d�ganos que sucede.”

“�Pues naa que mi capit�n se ha muerto y necesito indicaciones para aterrizar esta nave!”

“Ok, primero d�ganos su altura y posici�n para proceder al aterrizaje.”

Despu�s de unos segundos de silencio Venancio contesta, “Bueno, mi altura es de 1.68 mts y mi posici�n es ac� a un ladito del muertito!!!”

Este era un hombre que fue a la iglesia a confesarse:

“Padre, perd�neme.”

“�Qu� te pasa hijo m�o?”

“Ver� padre, es que… a m� me gustan los hombres, padre…”

“�Qu� dices, hijo m�o?”

“S�, padre… y eso no es nada… a mi padre tambi�n le gustan los hombres…”

“Por el amor de nuestro Se�or, hijo…”

“Y eso no es todo padre… a mis hermanos tambi�n le gustan los hombres…”

“Hijo m�o…” interrumpi� el padre “�es que en tu familia no hay nadie a quien le gusten las mujeres?”

“S� padre…” contesta el hombre, “a mi madre…”

How do Chinese people name their children?

– They throw silverware down the steps, and whatever noise it makes…

La prostituta novata acaba de terminar su primer trabajo. Cuando baj� a la calle, las dem�s veteranas se juntaron a su alrededor para o�r los detalles.

“Era un marinero musculoso y muy guapo”, cuenta la chica.

“�Y qu� servicio quer�a?”, corean las otras.

“Bueno, le dije que una acostada le sal�a en 500 pesos, pero dijo que no tra�a tanto dinero, as� que le dije que una mamada le costar�a 200 pesos, pero me contest� que tampoco tra�a esa cantidad. Finalmente le pregunt� que cuanto tra�a, y me dijo que s�lo tra�a 100 pesos, de modo que le dije que por ese dinero todo lo que le pod�a hacer era un trabajo manual. �l estuvo de acuerdo y despu�s de que me dio el dinero, puse manos a la obra: �l se sac� el pito y le puse la mano derecha encima. Entonces, le puse la izquierda encima de la otra… �Oh, Dios m�o!”, suspir� la novata. Hizo una pausa y entornando los ojitos continu�: “Entonces puse la derecha encima de la izquierda…”

“�Jes�s!”, exclamaron todas. “�Y luego qu� hiciste?”

“�Le prest� 400 pesos!”

A feeble old man is in his doctor’s office having a check-up. The doctor finishes the check-up says to the man, “So, you seem in fine health. Any problems?”

“Yes, Doc,” the old man slowly responded. “My sex drive is too high and I need it lowered.”

This took the doctor quite by surprise. “You’re 84 years old, and you’re in fine health for a man of your age, and I know men half your age who would kill for a problem like that. So, why are you complaining?

“Well,” the old man said, “I see all these sexy nurses at the home, and when I go for a walk, I see all these cute honeys all around, so that’s why I’m here, Doc. I want my sex drive lowered.”

Still confused, the doctor said, “I would think that at your age, you wouldn’t complain about a high sex drive.”

“Doc,” the old man said, “You don’t understand. I need my sex drive lowered from here,” pointing to his head, “to here,” pointing to between his legs.

El esposo llega a la casa con un morado en el cuello que le dej� su amante. Trata de taparse pero la marca es tan grande que su esposa seguramente va a descubrirla. Entonces, va a la cuna del ni�o, lo alza y lo pone cerca de su cuello. En ese momento grita con fuerza:

“�Ni�o malcriado, c�mo me mordi�, mira c�mo me dej� el cuello!”

La esposa le contesta:

“S�, al ni�o le ha dado por morder �ltimamente, mira a m� c�mo me tiene el pecho…”

01. I can see your point, but you’re still full of crap.
02. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronouce.
03. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
04. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
05. Ahh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
06. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
07. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
08. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
09. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
11. This isn’t and office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
12. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
14. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
15. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

And here’s a bonus funny from: Siglets.com

Sometimes … when you cry … no one sees your tears …
Sometimes…when you are worried….no one sees your pain…
Sometimes … when you are happy … no one sees your smile …
But fart just one time…

A pastor is ending up his sermon one Sunday morning when he says, “Ok, now next week I am going to preach a sermon on lying. I want you all to read Mark chapter 17.”

The next Sunday the pastor begins his sermon:
“Ok I hope we all had a good weekend. Now, let me see. Who all read Mark chapter 17?”

He waited a few minuets as he watched the entire congregation raise their hands.

“Well, since Mark only has 16 chapters, let me begin my sermon on lying!”

Yo Mama is so fat, that her first word was oink.

one day there was a cat,it was a dumb cat.why is this cat dumb
you ask?well lets get this shitty joke out of here!this cat was
so dumb that when he saw 2 guyz making out it jumped on them and
said,”Hey dudes”and he started to lick their faces.I dont know
who made this joke up but it sure is a load of
crap!OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YA a blond made this one up!!!that stupid
ass blondie!

What’s green with 20,000 a*******?
a st.patrick’s day parade!

A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, “Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog, and it has eliminated virtually all our visibility.”

The passengers were numb with fear, except for one… a semi-retired minister…

“Now, now, keep calm, folks” he said. “Let’s all bow our heads and pray.”

Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray… except fellow near the back.

“Why aren’t you bowing your head to pray?” the minister asked.

“Well, I don’t know how to pray,” replied the passenger.

“Well, just do something religious!” piped up another well meaning passenger.

So the man got up and started down the aisle passing his hat…