Category: other

Un f�sico, un ingeniero y un matem�tico viajan en tren por Escocia. Al observar por la ventana ven una oveja negra.

“Aj�, veo que las ovejas escocesas son negras”, observa el f�sico.

“Humm, querr�s decir que algunas ovejas escocesas son negras”, aclara el ingeniero.

“No, todo lo que sabemos es que existe al menos una oveja en Escocia, y que por lo menos uno de sus lados es negro”, objeta el matem�tico.

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, �You’re beautiful!� and then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.

A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said �You’re cute!�

Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of �beautiful� it was �cute.� She said �What happened to �beautiful�?

His reply was �The drugs are wearing off!�

“What would you say if I asked you out on Friday?”
“Nothing. I can’t laugh and gag at the same time.”

“I’d have to be desperate and insane to go out with you.”
“So when should I pick you up?”

“I have a big date tonight.”
“How big is she?”

“What’s he got that I haven’t?”
“Do you want it alphebetically?”

“Have we met?”
“In your dreams and in your nightmares.”

My neighbor is a BLONDE! HEr name is Ashley Fuller! well my little sister was saying right before Christmas “Ashley, Do you belive in Santa Claus?” Ashley (14) said “Of course Megan, I do!” Then my little sister came home and told me what she found out… I then walked over to Ashley’s house and go “GIRL u r 14 how can u STILL belive in Santa????” she siad “well unlike your house Santa comes to my house every night.. I dont leave him MILk .. we crate white stuff!

Little Johnny went to school one day and was sitting in class when the
teacher asked, “Who can use the word contagious in a sentence?”

So little Johnny’s arm shot up and he wanted to answer the question
really badly but the teacher, unsure of the response, asked little Maggie.
Little Maggie quickly stood up and said “My sister has a cold and it’s
contagious” to which the teacher responded “Good answer!”

Then the teacher asked again “Can anyone use the word contagious in a
sentence?” Again little Johnny’s arm shot up and again the teacher
overlooked Johnny and opted for another student, Mark.

Mark quickly stood up and said “If you have the measles you are
contagious” “Very good!” was the response from the teacher.

So the teacher feeling bad for overlooking little Johnny said “Go ahead
little Johnny if you can use the word contagious in a sentence we would
all like to hear it.”

So little Johnny stood up and said “Well me and my dad were out on the
porch one day and my mom was mowing the lawn. After 5 minutes of mowing
the lawn my mom came and sat down and had a beer, and my dad said “Go mow
the lawn!” So my mom she went and mowed the lawn. After another 5
minutes of mowing the lawn my mom came back and sat down and had another
beer, so my dad said “Go mow the lawn!” So my mom she went to mow the
lawn again. My dad turned to me and said “Son it’s going to take that
cunt ages to mow the lawn!”

The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They
were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by
themselves.The lad asked, “What is this, father?”The father
(having never seen an elevator) responded, “I have no idea what
it is.”While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an
old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and
pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between
them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his
father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.The walls
opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman
stepped out.The father looked at his son anxiously and said, “Go
get your mother.”

A Polak wanted to join an amateur baseball team. The coach looked him over and decided to give him a chance.

“I will give you three questions,” said the coach. “If you come back in a week and answer them all correctly, you’re on the team.”

“Fair enough!” said the Polak eagerly.

The coach proceeded, “Here are your questions. First, how many days are there in a week that start with the letter ‘T’? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? And third, how many d’s are there in ‘Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?'”

Next week, the Polak came back, feeling all confident that he knew the right answers. So again the coach said, “So how many days in the week that start with ‘T’?”

The Polak said, “Two!”
“Very good!” said the coach. And what are they?”
“Today and Tomorrow!”
“Hmm… OK,” said the coach.

“How many seconds are there in a year?”
“Twelve!”
“Twelve? How did you come up with twelve?” The coach was perplexed.
“Well,” said the Polak, “there’s the second of January, the second of February, the second of…”
“Um.. OK,” broke in the coach.

“How many d’s in ‘Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?'”
“Oh, that is easy!” laughed the Polak. “Three hundred and sixty-five!”
“WHAT?” cried the coach. “How did you get that figure?”
To which the Polak sang, “dee dee dee-dee-dee dee-dee….”

Never hold in farts.

They travel up your spine to your brain.

And that’s where shitty ideas come from!

Submitted by BreeBrown
Edited by Calamjo

Three gays were discussing what they thought their favorite sport would be. The first guy sighs, “Football, because of all those gorgeous guys bending over in their tight pants.” The second guy sighs, “Wrestling, because of those skimpy little costumes.” The third guy sighs, “Baseball, because I’d be pitching with the bases loaded.” “And…” asked the other two. The third guy continues, “The batter would hit a ground ball right to me, I’d catch it, and I’d just stand there while the other guys rounded the bases. Meanwhile, the crowd would be going crazy, and screaming, ‘Throw the ball, you cocksucker!’ And, that’s what I like — the recognition.”

1. �Crees en el amor a primera vista o tengo que volver a pasar delante de ti?
2. Puede que no sea el tipo m�s guapo del local, pero soy el �nico que te est� hablando.
3. Qu� bonitas piernas… �A qu� hora abren?
4. Realmente estoy luchando contra la necesidad de hacerte esta noche la mujer m�s feliz del mundo.
5. �Bailas? -No. -Entonces… de ‘tirar’ ni hablar, �no?
6. Si est�s buscando el tocador de damas, no busques m�s: soy yo.
7. M�tame si no te sirvo, pero primero pru�bame.
8. Estoy buscando el 1/2 para llevarte a mi 1/4.
9. Estoy buscando diosas para una nueva religi�n… y acabo de elegirte.
10. Perd�n, �no est�s algo cansada? -No, �por? -Porque estuviste dando vueltas en mi cabeza todo el d�a.
11. Ma�ana me meto en un convento para ser cura… �Me ayudas a disfrutar la �ltima noche?
12. �Uy, qu� perro m�s encantador! �Tiene n�mero de tel�fono?
13. Ma�ana… �Te despierto con el codo o con el tel�fono?
14. �Te estudio o te trabajo?
15. Bonitos pantalones, quedar�an muy bien en el suelo de mi dormitorio.
16. Disc�lpame… �Tienes hora?… es que se me par� cuando te vi.
17. El m�dico me prohibi� levantar cosas pesadas… �Me ayudas a hacer pip�?
18. Hola, soy nuevo ac�, �me puedes decir d�nde queda tu apartamento?
19. �Te importa si compartimos el taxi hacia mi casa?
20. Tengo bonitos relojes, �quieres ver mi mesita de noche?
21. Hola, estoy realizando un estudio para ver cu�ntas mujeres tienen aretes en los pechos, �me dejas ver?
22. Podr�a sacarte de mi sucia lista de fantas�as si quieres.
23. Bonita blusa, �puedo hablarte sin ella?
24. Tengo sed, nena, y t� hueles a Gatorade.
25. A la chica de la fotocopiadora: -Reproduciendo �eh?… �Puedo ayudar?
26. Perd� mi n�mero de tel�fono, �me das el tuyo?
27. Jugar al doctor es para ni�os, ven y juguemos al ginec�logo.
28. �Mamograf�as gratis, aqu� sus mamograf�as gratis!
29. Se�orita, si ya perdi� su virginidad, �me podr�a regalar la cajita en que ven�a?

Un se�or iba manejando por un desierto y ya le andaba por hacer del 2 y a medio camino se encuentra una gasolinera y dice de aqu� soy, se mete al ba�o y se pone a cagar. Cuando termina se da cuenta que no hay papel para limpiarse y en la pared estaba un letrero que decia:

“En este escusado no hay papel, si quiere l�mpiese con dos dedos de su mano y m�talos por este hoyo y le aseguramos que una boca humana se los chupara hasta dejarlos limpios.”

El se�or dice: “Ni madres, c�mo voy a hacer eso, se me hace muy cruel y cochino para la persona que est� del otro lado de la pared, mejor espero que llegue alguien para pedirle papel.”

Se esper� media hora y nadie, una hora y nadie y dice: “chingado, ya hubiera llegado a mi destino, pues no me queda de otra m�s que limpiarme as�.”

Se limpia con dos dedos y dice “ni pedo, pobre wey el que va a limpiarme los dedos por el hoyo.”

Y del otro lado de la pared ya estaba una persona esper�ndolo con un ladrillo en cada mano y �madres! le machuca los dos dedos al se�or. Este grita �haaaaa! y en chinga se mete los dedos a la boca y se los chupa el solito hasta dejarlos bien limpios.

Un marinero y un pirata se encuentran en un bar y se empiezan a contar sus aventuras en los mares. El marinero nota que el pirata tiene una pierna de palo, un gancho en la mano y un parche en el ojo y le pregunta al pirata: “�Y c�mo terminaste con esa pierna de palo?”

El pirata le responde: “Estabamos en medio de una tormenta y una ola me tir� al mar, ca� entre un mont�n de tiburones. Mientras mis amigos me sub�an un tibur�n me arranc� la pierna de un mordisco.”

“!Guau!”, replic� el marinero. “�Y qu� te pas� en la mano, por qu� tienes ese gancho?” “Bien….” respondi� el pirata, “estabamos abordando un barco enemigo y mientras luch�bamos con nuestras espadas contra los otros marineros, un enemigo me cort� la mano.”

“�Incre�ble!”, dijo el marinero, “�Y qu� te paso en el ojo?”

“Una paloma que iba pasando y me cay� excremento en el ojo.”

“�Perdiste el ojo por un excremento de paloma?”, replic� el marinero incr�dulamente.

“Bueno…”, dijo el pirata, “era mi primer d�a con el gancho.”