There were 3 bees, a squirrel and a man in a car.They were driving along a country lane and the car broke down. The first bee said , ” dont worry ill give us a few extra miles by peeing in the tank”,it worked , for a couple of miles that is until they broke down again. And so the second bee decided to do the same as the first bee, but this lasted another couple of miles until they broke down again, so the third bee did exactly the same.Then finally the car broke down. The squirrel said ” I’ll pee in the tank” The man replied, sorry mate, this car only runs on BP.–Editor’s note: Sound it out if you don’t get it. If you still don’t get it, I wouldn’t bother trying…
Category: other
En un d�a de verano,
En un d�a de verano, un tipo estaba frustrado porque no pod�a tener una erecci�n, por lo que decide tomarse dos pastillas de Viagra. �stas comienzan a surtir efecto:
“Mi amor, vamos a hacer el amor”.
Empiezan, y el hombre m�s efectivo que nunca, echa uno y dos y tres y cuatro y cinco… La esposa ya no puede m�s.
El marido, con su erecci�n a mil por hora, decide buscar a la mujer de servicio de la casa:
“Mire, vamos para el cuarto que tengo algo que decirle”.
La mujer, extra�ada, se dirige al cuarto y pregunta:
“�Qu� quiere, jefe?”
“Nada, hacer el amor”.
Y se le monta a la mujer. Empieza y echa uno y dos y tres y cuatro y cinco y seis y siete y la mujer demanda:
“Yaaaaaaaaaaaa, no puedo m�s jefe”.
El hombre, con su erecci�n a mil por hora, busca entonces a la maestra de su hijo y empieza tambi�n y echa uno y dos y tres y cuatro y cinco y seis y siete y la mujer se desmaya en la cama.
El tipo, desesperado con la erecci�n que no terminaba, decide llamar a un m�dico amigo suyo:
“�Al�, doctor?”
“S�, d�game �qu� desea?”
“Doctor, sabe que comet� un error porque estaba desesperado y me tom� dos pastillas de Viagra y la erecci�n es muy fuerte y he hecho el amor unas 35 veces y no se baja, �qu� puedo hacer? �Por favor, doctor, ay�deme!”
“Bueno, mire, va a tomarse dos litros de leche de un solo trago; esto anula el efecto del Viagra, �me entendi�?
“S�, doctor, dos litros de leche y se anula el efecto. Much�simas gracias, doctor. Chao, nos vemos”.
“Chao, suerte”.
El se�or, muy respetuosamente, sigue las instrucciones y va hacia la nevera de su casa y saca el pote de dos litros de leche; se la empieza a tomar del pico de la botella y en eso, la esposa y la se�ora de servicio pasan por la cocina y, de lejos, ven al hombre tom�ndose la jarra de leche del pico de botella. La sirvienta le sugiere a su jefa:
“Se�ora, corra, corra, corra que el se�or se est� recargando”.
KFC: Our Daily Chicken
A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if
he would change “The Lord’s Prayer” from “give us this day our daily bread” to
“give us this day our daily chicken.” The Pope refused his offer.
Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from
“give us this day our daily bread” to “give us this day our daily chicken” and
again the Pope refused the man’s generous offer. Another week later, the man
offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted. The following
day, the Pope said to all his officials, “I have some good news and some bad
news.�the good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million
dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!”‘
Who drives you?
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks, “Do you still get horny?”
The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”
The first old lady asks, “What do you do about It?”
The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”
One Legged
Where does one legged people eat at?
IHOP.
“�Pienso hablar seriamente con mi
“�Pienso hablar seriamente con mi mujer y le dir� que a partir de ma�ana compartiremos los deberes de la casa!”
“�Vaya! eres un marido considerado.”
“�No, lo que pasa es que yo no puedo con todo!”
Christian Bear
It seems a pastor from Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided. The pastor stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the pastor crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle in one direction and breaking both legs.
As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out in desperation, “Lord, I’m sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me Lord, please make that bear a Christian.”
Suddenly the bear skidded to a halt at the pastor’s feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, “God, bless this food which I am about to receive.”
Va un avi�n pasando por
Va un avi�n pasando por la Amazonica cuando le ocurre un desperfecto t�cnico y tiene que hacer un aterrizaje de emergencia del cu�l s�lo sobrevive uno.
El sobreviviente recoge lo que le pueda servir para poder pasar la selva y empieza a caminar cuando de pronto se encuentra a una tribu de ind�genas. El hombre ve a un indio grande con muchas plumas en la cabeza y se le acerca y empieza a decirle:
“Yo venir en pajaro de hierro, hombre blanco venir en son de paz, yo traer cosas extra�as para la tribu, yo ser bueno, �t� entender?”
El jefe de la tribu se le acerca, lo mira extra�ado y le dice:
“Chico, yo te entiendo, lo que no comprendo es por qu� me hablas as� como Tarz�n.”
Saint Peter in the Gates of Heaven. (Not recomended for the very religious)
Saint Peter, was sitting behind a desk on front of the gates of heaven, getting ready to start his day.
“May the first person come.” He said
“Hello, Saint Peter.” said the first person.
“State you name and tell me how you spent your life.” he said.
“Oh Saint Peter, I am a nun, who spent her life helping those in need, and serving the Lord.”
“Here is a golden key, it will open the Gates of Heaven.”
And off the nun went.
“Next.” said Saint Peter. “How did you spend your life.”
“I spent my life like a normal human being.” another woman said. “I told some lies, white lies here and there. But nothing serious.”
“Here I give you a Silver Key. It is for the Pulgatory. You may go now.” he said. “Next. Tell me, how did you lived your life?”
“Oh Saint Peter, my life was spent on parties, with a different man every day. I loved a good dance, drinking, and having a different man every night. You might call me a creature of the night.” said a beautiful Girl.
“Here is a key made of Copper.” he said.
“Is that the key to Hell?!”
“No, thst is the key, for my apartment.”
Un f�sico, un ingeniero y
Un f�sico, un ingeniero y un matem�tico viajan en tren por Escocia. Al observar por la ventana ven una oveja negra.
“Aj�, veo que las ovejas escocesas son negras”, observa el f�sico.
“Humm, querr�s decir que algunas ovejas escocesas son negras”, aclara el ingeniero.
“No, todo lo que sabemos es que existe al menos una oveja en Escocia, y que por lo menos uno de sus lados es negro”, objeta el matem�tico.
You’re Beautiful
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, �You’re beautiful!� and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said �You’re cute!�
Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of �beautiful� it was �cute.� She said �What happened to �beautiful�?
His reply was �The drugs are wearing off!�
The Sermon!
A minister gave a talk to the Lion’s Club on sex.
When he got home he couldn’t tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he
said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they
complimented her on the speech her husband had made.
She said, “Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he’s
only tried it twice.
The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he
fell off!”