Category: other

Una se�ora se est� divirtiendo con su amante mulato cuando llega su marido. Entonces, raudo y veloz, el moreno se esconde en el cl�set pero se le quedan los test�culos de fuera. El marido los mira y entre extra�ado y molesto pregunta:

“�Qu� es esto?”

“Son son uuunas campanitas de Sud�frica que envi� mi pap�”, responde nerviosa la mujer.

“Ah s�, pues veamos que tal suenan”.

Enfurecido, el tipo los golpea al mismo tiempo que grita:

“�Por qu� no suenan?”

�Ya chico, til�n, til�n!”, sale llorando y gritando el moreno.

A man goes to the confessional and begins “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.”

“What is your sin, my son?” the priest asks back.”Well,” the man starts, “I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible.” “When did you use this awful language?” asks the priest.

“I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”

“Is that when you swore?” “No, Father,” says the man.

“After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asks the Father again. “Well, no,” says the man.

“You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asks the amazed Priest. “No, not yet,” the man replies.

“As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green. As it passed over a a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.”

“Did you swear THEN?” asks the now impatient Priest.

“No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.”

The Priest sighs, “You missed the putt, didn’t you?!?”

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

–One is a Goodyear and one is a great year

Did you hear about the African missionary that gave some cannibals
their first taste of religion?

One day a boy came walking home from school. On the way home he saw a creek. He quickly jumped in, clothes and all. When he arrived home completely soaked his dad asked, “Son what happened?”

“I jumped in that creek down the road.”
“Why did you do that?”
“I dunno.”

His dad was very angry and said, “If you jump in that creek again, just because, I’m gonna tan that hide – just because! Is that clear?”
“Yes dad.” replies his son.

The next day, the boy came home walking from school, and sure enough when he saw that creek, he jumped right on in.

When he went home, his dad knew what had happened and asked, “Didn’t I tell you not to jump in that creek again?”
“Yes dad, but Satan told me to do it!”

His dad, being somewhat religous, decided to give his son the benefit of the doubt and tells him – “Next time Satan tells you to do something like that, say ‘Satan get thee behind me in the name of Jesus’.”
“Ok dad.” replied the son.

Well the next day after school, the boy was walking across the bridge, and well you know the rest. He came home again soaked.

His dad said, “I thought I told you what to say when you came to that creek!”

“I said what you told me dad, and when I did, Satan pushed me in!”

I always love the “Doc Smith” approach to mathematics, where Our Hero glances at an equation (sorry, “formula”), and instantly says “of course…!”My experience is usually more like “I don’t know what on earth that means” … scribble, scribble, scribble …”Oh, yes, but what a weird way of writing it” … scribble, scribble, scribble …”now *this* should be a much clearer way” … scribble, scribble, scribble …”oh, it’s identical to what I started with. But *now* I understand it.” I can’t *read* maths, I can only write it :-)A colleague of mine put it better: “mathematics is not a spectator sport”.

En un d�a de verano, un tipo estaba frustrado porque no pod�a tener una erecci�n, por lo que decide tomarse dos pastillas de Viagra. �stas comienzan a surtir efecto:

“Mi amor, vamos a hacer el amor”.

Empiezan, y el hombre m�s efectivo que nunca, echa uno y dos y tres y cuatro y cinco… La esposa ya no puede m�s.

El marido, con su erecci�n a mil por hora, decide buscar a la mujer de servicio de la casa:

“Mire, vamos para el cuarto que tengo algo que decirle”.

La mujer, extra�ada, se dirige al cuarto y pregunta:

“�Qu� quiere, jefe?”

“Nada, hacer el amor”.

Y se le monta a la mujer. Empieza y echa uno y dos y tres y cuatro y cinco y seis y siete y la mujer demanda:

“Yaaaaaaaaaaaa, no puedo m�s jefe”.

El hombre, con su erecci�n a mil por hora, busca entonces a la maestra de su hijo y empieza tambi�n y echa uno y dos y tres y cuatro y cinco y seis y siete y la mujer se desmaya en la cama.

El tipo, desesperado con la erecci�n que no terminaba, decide llamar a un m�dico amigo suyo:

“�Al�, doctor?”

“S�, d�game �qu� desea?”

“Doctor, sabe que comet� un error porque estaba desesperado y me tom� dos pastillas de Viagra y la erecci�n es muy fuerte y he hecho el amor unas 35 veces y no se baja, �qu� puedo hacer? �Por favor, doctor, ay�deme!”

“Bueno, mire, va a tomarse dos litros de leche de un solo trago; esto anula el efecto del Viagra, �me entendi�?

“S�, doctor, dos litros de leche y se anula el efecto. Much�simas gracias, doctor. Chao, nos vemos”.

“Chao, suerte”.

El se�or, muy respetuosamente, sigue las instrucciones y va hacia la nevera de su casa y saca el pote de dos litros de leche; se la empieza a tomar del pico de la botella y en eso, la esposa y la se�ora de servicio pasan por la cocina y, de lejos, ven al hombre tom�ndose la jarra de leche del pico de botella. La sirvienta le sugiere a su jefa:

“Se�ora, corra, corra, corra que el se�or se est� recargando”.

A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if
he would change “The Lord’s Prayer” from “give us this day our daily bread” to
“give us this day our daily chicken.” The Pope refused his offer.
Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from
“give us this day our daily bread” to “give us this day our daily chicken” and
again the Pope refused the man’s generous offer. Another week later, the man
offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted. The following
day, the Pope said to all his officials, “I have some good news and some bad
news.�the good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million
dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!”‘

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One old lady turns to the other and asks, “Do you still get horny?”

The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”

The first old lady asks, “What do you do about It?”

The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”

Where does one legged people eat at?

IHOP.

“�Qu� har�as si sorprendes a tu mujer con otro hombre en tu cama?”

“�Lo primero que har�a es tirar al perro por la ventana y meterle el bast�n al tipo por el culo!”

“�Pero cu�l perro y cu�l bast�n?”

“Es que el que se quiera acostar con mi mujer…�tiene que estar ciego!”

I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to
me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead
in the sand. “Mommy, what happened to him?” the little boy asked. “He
died and went to Heaven,” I replied. My son thought a moment and then
said, “And God threw him back down?”