Category: other

Llega un se�or a un edificio m�dico y se dirige al despacho del oculista. Al entrar saca de una bolsa un frasco conteniendo un sorprendente pedazo de mierda.

La recepcionista al ver todo esto se dirige al se�or:

“Se�or, se ha equivocado. El laboratorio est� en el tercer piso, aqu� es la �ptica.”

“No se�orita, estoy en el lugar correcto.”

“Le aseguro se�or, le ayudar�n en el tercer piso.”

“Entonces, �ah� me podr�n decir porque cada vez que hago uno de estos me salen l�grimas en los ojos?”

What do you call an [ethnic] man and six monkeys?

– A Branch Manager.

One day an employee came into work with both of his ears
bandaged. His boss asked him what happened to his ears.
“Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I
accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!”
“Well,” the boss said, “that explains one ear, but what
about the other?”

“They called back!”

Ceremonioso, un agente del servicio secreto estadounidense se dirige al Presidente Bush:

“Se�or Presidente: �Las gemelas, las gemelas!”

“��Qu�?! �Otra vez tomando esas desgraciadas!”

One day a guy walked into a pet store to buy a parrot. He found one that he liked and went up to the counter to buy it. The store clerk saw which parrot he had picked out and said, ”That parrot repeats everything he hears.” ”That’s alright,” the man replied. So the man bought the parrot and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he saw a cop chasing a robber. The cop hollered to his partner, ”Shoot him down, shoot him down!” Then the parrot said, ”Shoot him down, shoot him down!” They kept walking and found a man who was trying to pry his car off the ground with a crowbar because his wheels had been stolen. The man said, ”Pop it up, pop it up!” The parrot said, ”Pop it up, pop it up!” They kept on walking to a carnival. A guy at a gamestand yelled, ”Hit a big one, win a prize!” The parrot said, ”Hit a big one, win a prize!” Then they walked into a church and sat down. The minister was in the middle of the sermon. He said, ”The Lord is above us.” The parrot said, ”Shoot him down,shoot him down!” The minister said, ”The devil is below us.” The parrot said, ”Pop it up, pop it up.” Then the minister got angry and threw a bible at the parrot. The parrot ducked and the bible hit a fat lady behind him. The parrot said,” Hit a big one, win a prize!”

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.

After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

“It’s o.k.,” he replied, “it’s written in the Bible.”

So after a wild night of sex the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it’s okay.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil – “The hat check girl puts out!”

The guest preacher began his remarks with: ” As I understand it, my job is to preach and yours is to listen.”

“If you finish before I do, please let me know.”

If a dog were your teacher, you would learn valuable lessons, like:

1. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

2. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a car ride.

3. The experience of fresh air and the wind in your face would be pure ecstasy.

4. As you enjoy the wind in your face, do not restrict your capacity to drool.

5. When it’s in your best interest – practice obedience.

6. Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.

7. Take naps and stretch before rising.

8. Run, romp, and play daily, if not by the minute.

9. Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

10. Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.

11. On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the cool grass.

12. On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a tree.

13. When you take a drink of water, find a human to drip on.

14. When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

15. No matter how often or severely you’re scolded, don’t feel guilty and pout… run right back and make friends.

16. Delight in the simple joys of a long walk.

17. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Don’t stop when you’ve had enough.

18. Be loyal.

19. Tolerate cats – humans love that.

20. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it, where ever that leads you.

21. When a person is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.

A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.

“Sorry, we don’t need anyone…” they replied.
“You can’t afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!”

“Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can
sell just one, then you have a job.”

He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for
$25,000 and another for $50,000.

“How in the world did you do that?” they asked.
“I told you I’m the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anything,
anytime!”

“Did you get a urine sample?” they asked him.
“What’s that?” he asked.
“Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample.
Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples.”

He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks
in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and
reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on
the desk and says, “Here’s Mr. Jone’s and this one is Mrs. Johnson’s.”

“That’s good,” they said, “but what’s in those two buckets?”

“Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers
convention –
so I stopped and sold them a group policy!”

Una se�ora se est� divirtiendo con su amante mulato cuando llega su marido. Entonces, raudo y veloz, el moreno se esconde en el cl�set pero se le quedan los test�culos de fuera. El marido los mira y entre extra�ado y molesto pregunta:

“�Qu� es esto?”

“Son son uuunas campanitas de Sud�frica que envi� mi pap�”, responde nerviosa la mujer.

“Ah s�, pues veamos que tal suenan”.

Enfurecido, el tipo los golpea al mismo tiempo que grita:

“�Por qu� no suenan?”

�Ya chico, til�n, til�n!”, sale llorando y gritando el moreno.

A man goes to the confessional and begins “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.”

“What is your sin, my son?” the priest asks back.”Well,” the man starts, “I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible.” “When did you use this awful language?” asks the priest.

“I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”

“Is that when you swore?” “No, Father,” says the man.

“After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asks the Father again. “Well, no,” says the man.

“You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asks the amazed Priest. “No, not yet,” the man replies.

“As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green. As it passed over a a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.”

“Did you swear THEN?” asks the now impatient Priest.

“No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.”

The Priest sighs, “You missed the putt, didn’t you?!?”

Did you hear about the African missionary that gave some cannibals
their first taste of religion?