Q: How many archaeologists does does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is.
Category: other
Juan Domingo Per�n, ya viudo
Juan Domingo Per�n, ya viudo de Evita, le env�a al Papa P�o X un telegrama cifrado cuyo contenido era el siguiente:
P. P. R. C. E. E. P. P. P.
El Secretario de Estado del Vaticano intrigado lleva el extra�o mensaje al Sumo Pont�fice y le dice:
“Su Santidad, hemos recibido un telegrama oficial desde Argentina, pero la verdad es que no lo entiendo.”
“D�jeme ver de qu� se trata.”
Luego de leerlo, el Santo Padre le dice al Secretario; “Ah, ya s� qu� quiere decir el mensaje. Este mesnaje dice: PAPA PIO, RECUERDE CANONIZAR EXCELENCIA EVA PERON, y lo firma el PRESIDENTE PERON. Lamentablemente no vamos a poder complacer al gobierno de Argentina, y mire usted, para facilitarle las cosas, cont�stele con el mismo mensaje cifrado, que el Presidente Per�n entender�. !Claro que entender�!” Y diciendo esto se alej� a sus habitaciones.
Cuando el Canciller argentino vio la respuesta en los mismos t�rminos, no supo interpretarla y se fue directo donde su jefe, el Presidente Per�n para que descifrara la respuesta. Per�n tom� el mensaje y s�lo le bast� mirarlo y recordar el pasado para saber el sentido que le hab�a dado el sumo Pont�fice. La respuesta era la siguiente:
PRESIDENTE PERON, RECUERDE CUANDO EVITA ERA PUTA. Papa P�o
Soviet Union
What’s meant by an exchange opinions in the Communist party of the Soviet
Union?
It’s when I come to a party meeting with my own opinion, and I leave
with the party’s.
Late for the graveside service
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns.
Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: “I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain’t never seen anything like that.”
El due�o de una farmacia
El due�o de una farmacia aprovecha que un amigo lo visita:
“�Hola, compadre, lleg� justo a tiempo, qu�dese en mi farmacia unos minutos mientras voy al banco, todo est� a la vista: los precios, el tel�fono, la caja etc.!”
Media hora despu�s, el due�o regresa:
“�C�mo le fue, compadre?”
“Muy bien, vend� varias cosas, por ejemplo, lleg� un tipo con problemas de hemorroides, as� que le vend� el remedio”
“�Y qu� le vendi� compadre?”
“Esto”, y le muestra un frasco de Talvox.
“�Puta que es huev�n, compadre, esto es para exterminar ratones!”
“�Mierda! Es que yo le le� aqu� abajo: Espolvor�ese alrededor del agujero…”
4 Priests
Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference.
Shortly into the trip, one priest says “Well, we’ve all worked together for many years, but don’t really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins.”
They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first priest says “Since I suggested it, I’ll go first. With me it’s the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system.”
They all look each other again nervously, but the next priest slowly starts “Wellll……with me, it’s gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system.”
The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says “This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system.”
They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn’t say anything. Then one of the four speaks up “Come now, we’ve all told our innermost faults. It’s your turn.” He looks at the others and starts hesitantly “Welllllll….. I’m an inveterate gossip, and I can’t wait to get off this train!”
The first time
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!”.
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
“I had no idea you were this religious.” The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!”
Vacuum Salesman
A vaccumm salesman walks to a house and knocks on the door. As
soon as a lady answers the door, the man throws cow dung all
over the carpet. He then says, “If this vaccum does not clean it
completely and perform miracles, then I myself will eat the
patties.”
There is a long pause….
The lady half laughing asks, “Do you want a ketchup or mustard
on that?”
Puzzled the man asks, “What? Why?”
She says, laughing, “We just moved in and our electricity is not
turn on yet.”
black joke
Q. If the world turned into a jacket, where would the black people live?
A. In the hood.
Tres amigos est�n en el
Tres amigos est�n en el funeral de un compa�ero de trabajo. Uno de ellos, mirando al difunto, exclama:
“Yo quisiera que cuando muera, la gente me mire y me recuerde por algo grande que haya logrado en la vida”.
“Es verdad, yo tambi�n quisiera que la gente me mirara y dijera: Fue un gran hombre y mejor amigo”.
El tercero escuchaba atentamente a sus amigos sin hacer comentarios, lo que ocasion� la pregunta de �stos:
“�Y vos, qu� te gustar�a que dijeran?”
“�De m�? A m� me gustar�a que me miraran y dijeran: �Uy, mir�, parece que se est� moviendo!”
Dolly and the Queen in Heaven
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before the angel to find out if they’ll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in.
The angel asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she should go to heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and says, “Look at these. They’re the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”
The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. The angel says, “OK, Your Majesty, you may go in”.
Dolly is outraged. “What was that all about? I show you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turn me down. She performs a rude act of hygiene and she gets in. Can you explain that to me?”
“Sorry, Dolly,” says the angel, ” but even in heaven, a royal flush beats two of a kind.
En una fiesta de barrio,
En una fiesta de barrio, un grupito de �eros se enfrentan con un problema de conciencia.
“��ndale, an�mate y ve a sacar a bailar a la gorda para que nosotros saquemos a sus amigas!”, suplica uno de ellos.
“Ah, chinga, chinga! �Y yo por qu�? S�cala t�, o t�…”
“No, mejor que la saque �ste”.
En esas est�n, sin ponerse de acuerdo, cuando llega el que se las daba de m�s carita del grupo y les pregunta:
“�Qu� pasa? �Qu� andan haciendo?”
“Nada, pos aqu� que no nos ponemos de acuerdo para ver quien saca a la gorda…”
“S� quieren la saco yo”, dice con aire de suficiencia.
“�En serio, mi buen, �rale pues!”
El galancete cruza por en medio de la pista y llega hasta la mesa donde estaban la gorda y sus amigas. Sin contemplaciones se dirige a la gorda:
“��rale, pinche gorda, a la chingada! �Para afuera!”