Yours Fun Portal !
“�Doctor, doctor! �Por qu� cada vez que me miro en el espejo se me empalma?”
“No me extra�a nada”, responde el facultativo.
Sorprendido, el paciente inquiere:
“�Oiga, no me asuste y d�gamelo ya de una maldita vez!”
“No me extra�a, con la cara de co�o que tiene usted…”
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks’ trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar’ pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow ‘remove’ all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon’ iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater (airplane).
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak’ to man guy lay’ shun) n. Manhandling the “open here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the ‘illegal’ side.
7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay’) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee’ zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup’kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.
A college professor’s going to bed with his wife. He’s not that tired, so he’s gonna stay awake and read while she goes to sleep. So he’s reading, and every once in a while he reaches over and tickles her on the fun spot… “Kitza kitza…”
She says, “Will you stop that! Will you stop reaching over here and teasing me like that?”
He says, “I’m not teasing you. I’m wetting my fingers so I can turn the page.”
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a priest. I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.”
The priest replies, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.”
The rabbi continues, “And look at this. Here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then he hands the bottle to the priest.
The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The rabbi replies, “No…I think I’ll wait for the police.”
Pedro est� de noche en el cementerio. De pronto se le aparece un vampiro, y le dice: “Te agachas o te mueres”
Pedro se agacha, y al estar en posici�n, el vampiro se lo empieza a fornicar.
En eso se inicia un di�logo.
“C�mo te llamas?” pregunta el vampiro.
“Pedro.”
“�Eres casado?”
“S�, tengo tres hijos.”
“�Trabajas?”
“S�, de noche.”
“�Cuantos a�os tienes?”
“45.”
“�Ay, Pedro, est�s muy viejo para creer en vampiros!”
Why does the University of Tennesse football team
wear orange to all their Saturday games?
So that they can wear the same outfit to go hunting on Sunday,
and to work on Monday.
Osama Bin Laden has appeared on TV this morning to quell rumours of his death in an explosion yesterday.
To prove that the appearance was not pre-recorded, Osama stated that he: “watched the rugby on Saturday and The Blues were shit.”
UK and US government officials have dismissed the report saying it could have happened any time over the last 2 years.
Una hermosa noche de diciembre, en una de las bellas playas de Puerto Rico, estaba una pareja de novios, muy acaramelados, mirando el mar cuando, en eso, �l le dice a ella:
“Chica, d�jame tocarte el wiwichu”.
“�Est�s loco, mi negro! �C�mo crees?”
“Anda, chica, qu� no ves que es el tiempo perfecto. �D�jame tocarte el wiwichu!”
“�No, no te lo permitir�!”
“Anda, chica, es ahora o nunca, deja que te toque el wiwichu…”
“Bueno, mi amor, t�calo porque te quiero mucho”.
Entonces el muchacho agarra su guitarra y prosigue:
“�Wiwichu a merry Christmas, wiwichu a merry Christmas, wiwichu a merry Christmas and a japy niu yir!
Rules for Stray Cats1. Stray cats will not be fed.2. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food.3. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.4. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with, picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.8. Stray cats with or without a name, will not be allowed inside the house at any time.9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house, except at certain times.10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house, except on days ending in “y”.11. Stray cats allowed inside, will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.12. Stray cats will not be permitted to, jump up on or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture, but must sharpen claws on new .99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh’n’Sweet kitty litter.16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan, with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.17. Stray cats will sleep outside.18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lambs wool pillow.22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers, except at the foot.26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.27. Stray cats will not play on the desk, near the computer.28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk, when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier’puyykmm4hb USING IT.
“Knock Knock”
“who’s there?”
“I dunno..go to the door and see.”
Why do white people go to black people’s yard sales?
To get their stuff back.
Three doctors died and went to the Pearly Gates to be interviewed to see where they would end up. St. Peter asked the first one what he did on earth, and he said he was an obstetrician. St. Peter asked what an obstetrician did and the doc told him. “Sounds pretty good; okay you can go in to Heaven.”
The second doc said he was a pediatrician and had to explain what that involved. St. Peter said, “Sounds very useful, very good–you can go in too.”
The third doc said he was the chief man in charge of a whole HMO conglomerate.
“Well, what’s that?” asked St. Peter.
So the doc told him exactly what that involved.
“Sounds very important, very useful. You can go in too.”
So the third doc goes in the Gates and starts to walk up the stairs. St. Peter turns and calls after him, “Oh, by the way, you can only stay three days.”