Category: other

There Were Three Men who wanted to prove that their god was real.So they had to test their god by jumping off a cliff. There was an arabian who believed in ALLAH, a chinese who believed in BUDDAH, and an american who believed in JESUS. First the arabian jumps callin his gods name out loud ALLAH, ALLAH, ALLAH…… SLAP! the arabian dies. Then the chinese man jumps, BUDDAH, BUDDAH,BUDDAH… and floats back up into air proving his god was real. Then now it was the americans turn. He jumps, JESUS, JESUS, JESUS,…. Just before hittin he yells BUDDAH, BUDAH, BUDDAH and floats back up…

Est�n varios ancianos en una celebraci�n. Un tipo se para y empieza a anunciar:

“Cuando me muera quiero donar mis ojos”.

Otro se para y dice:

“Cuando me muera quiero donar mi h�gado”.

Todo el mundo empieza a decir lo que van a donar cuando mueran, pero falta un septuagenario. Cuando llega su turno declara:

“Cuando yo me muera voy a donar mi pene.

Y todos los presentes exclaman:

“�Avemar�a, nadie nunca dijo eso! �Viva el se�or que va a donar su pene!”

Con el fin de felicitarlo, la concurrencia empieza a gritar:

“�Que se pare, que se pare!”

El viejito, con una sonrisa, asegura:

“Si se para yo no lo dono”.

Did you know that mayonnaise is one ingredient away from being
poison?

What is the ingredient, you may ask?

Poison.

Q: How do you drown a hillbilly??

A: You stick a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.

Every time a new Pope is elected, there are many rituals and ceremonies to perform, in accordance with tradition.

But there’s one tradition that very few people know about…
Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope’s presence, whereupon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected.

John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.

“My brother,” the Holy Father whispered, “I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?”

The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: “But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the mists of ancient history.”

The Pope said: “Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret.” The Chief Rabbi agreed.

Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both gasped with shock.

It was the check for the Last Supper.

Un recomendado de Valladolid se incorpora a una factor�a sevillana.

El jefe de personal que le recibe, no est� de muy buen humor, -pues pretend�a enchufar a su sobrino en ese puesto-, pero acata la decisi�n del gerente; y tras un frio saludo, le dice:

“A v�, vamoz a reshen� er ezpediente. �Zu nombre…?”

“Vicente” responde, un poco intimidado por el tono rudo del andal�.

“�Ed�…?”

“Veintiuno.”

“�De onde � uzt�…?, pregunta el entrevistador.

Y el nuevo fichaje hincha pecho y exclama orgulloso:

“�Pucelano!”

El jefe de personal le mira de reojo y replica:

“Le he preguntao de onde � uzte… no le ped�o que me ezplique como conzigui� er trabaho.”

Two Southern belles are sitting on the porch of this lovely
plantation. The first woman turns to the second and says, “For
my wedding day, my husband bought me this lovely plantation.”

And the second woman say, “How nice.”

Then the first woman asks, “Well, what did your husband get you
for your wedding day?”

And second replies, “Etiquette lessons, so I can learn how to
say, ‘How nice’ instead of ‘Fuck you.'”

Husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading
the ads in the paper. He looked up and said, “Here is a great sale on tires!”
His wife replied, “What do you want tires for? You don’t have a car.”

He says, “I don’t complain when you go out and buy a new bra, do I?”

A blonde buys two horses and she can’t tell them apart. So she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off. So she does. But then the other horse’s tail gets caught in a bush and rips off. So she can’t tell them apart again. She asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horses ears. So she does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence. She is still confused. She asks the farmer what to do. He tells her to measure them. She comes back and says, “The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!”

what is a stripers favorite race? the ididarod!!!!!

It’s Friday, and four nuns ask the priest at the local Catholic church for the
weekend off. After some argument he finally agrees to let them leave the
convent, provided they confess to him when they get back Monday morning whatever
sins they have committed over the weekend.

On Monday the nuns return and the first one goes to the priest and says,
“forgive me Father, for I have sinned.” The priest asks, “what sin did you
commit, Sister?” She replies, “I watched an X-rated movie.” The priest looks up
at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, “you are forgiven. Go drink the holy
water.” She goes away laughing.

The second nun goes to the priest and confesses. “I was driving my brother’s
car down the street in front of his house and I hit a neighbor’s dog and killed
it.” The priest looks to heaven for a half minute, then tells her she is
forgiven and to go drink the holy water. She goes off laughing harder.

When the third nun goes up the priest, he says, “out with it. What did you
do?” She says, “last night I ran naked up and down Main Street.” This time the
priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, “God
forgive you. Go and drink the holy water.” She leaves laughing even harder.

The fourth nun goes up to the priest. She is laughing so hard the tears run
down her cheeks. She falls on the floor with laughter. The priest asks her,
“Okay. What did you do that was so funny?”

What’s the difference between a Jew and a canoe?

A canoe tips.