Category: other

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that the preacher ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races.

To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the headlines read: “PREACHERS ASS SHOWS” The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again.

This time he won! The news read: “PREACHERS ASS OUT IN FRONT”

The bishop of the church saw the headline and was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.

The headlines read: “BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHERS ASS”

This was too much for the Bishop to take, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The headlines read: “NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN”

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey – so she found a farmer who was willing to buy the animal for $10.00.

The headlines read: “NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS”

They had to bury the Bishop the next day. The headlines read … “NUN’S ASS KILLS BISHOP”

Un ni�o le pregunta a su padre acerca de cu�ntos tipos de tetas hay. El padre, sorprendido, le responde:

“Mira, hijo, las mujeres durante su vida tienen tres tipos de tetas: antes de los 20 las tienen como limones, duras y puntiagudas. Hasta los 40 las tienen como peras, bonitas pero un poco ca�das. Y a partir de los 40 las tienen como las cebollas, que las ves y lloras”.

Un italiano est� en el hospital esperando a que su mujer d� a luz. Un rato despu�s sale el doctor del quir�fano y le informa:

“�Han sido quintillizos!”

“�Lo sab�a, es que tengo un ca��n!”, responde orgulloso el hombre.

“Pues a ver si lo limpia un poquito porque han salido todo negros”.

From the Washington Post Invitational contest, which calls them Merge-Matic Books: Readers were asked to combine the works of two authors, and to provide a suitable blurb.Second Runner-Up: Machiavelli’s The Little Prince. Antoine de Saint-Exupery’s classic children’s tale as presented by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human nature is embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters, all of whom are executed.First Runner-Up: Green Eggs and Hamlet Would you kill him in his bed? Thrust a dagger through his head? I would not, could not, kill the King. I could not do that evil thing. I would not wed this girl, you see. Now get her to a nunnery.And the Winner: Fahrenheit 451 of the Vanities. An ’80s yuppie is denied books. He does not object, or even notice.Honorable Mentions:Where’s Walden? Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in each richly-detailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear that he is always in the woods.Catch-22 in the Rye Holden learns that if you’re insane, you’ll probably flunk out of prep school, but if you’re flunking out of prep school, you’re probably not insane.2001: A Space Iliad The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane 10-year war against the Greeks after falling victim to the Y2K bug.Rikki-Kon-Tiki-Tavi Thor Heyerdahl recounts his attempt to prove Rudyard Kipling’s theory that the mongoose first came to India on a raft from Polynesia.The Maltese Faulkner Is the black bird a tortured symbol of Sam’s struggles with race and family? Does it signify his decay of soul along with the soul of the Old South? Is it merely a crow, mocking his attempts to understand? Or is it worth a cool mil?Jane Eyre Jordan Plucky English orphan girl survives hardships to lead the Chicago Bulls to the NBA championship.Looking for Mr. Godot. A young woman waits for Mr. Right to enter her life. She has a loooong wait.The Scarlet Pimpernel Letter An 18th-century English nobleman leads a double life, freeing comely young adulteresses from the prisons of post-Revolution France.Lorna Dune An English farmer, Paul Atreides, falls for the daughter of a notorious rival clan, the Harkonnens, and pursues a career as a giant worm jockey in order to impress her.The Remains of the Day of the Jackal A formal English butler puts his loyalty to his employer above all else, until he is persuaded to join a plot to assassinate Charles deGaulle.The Invisible Man of La Mancha Don Quixote discovers a mysterious elixir which renders him invisible. He proceeds to go on a mad rampage of corruption and terror, attacking innocent people in the streets and all the while singing “To fight the Invisible Man!” until he is finally stopped by a windmill.Singing in the Black Rain A gang of vicious Japanese drug lords beat the crap out of Gene Kelly.Of Three Blind Mice and Men Burgess Meredith has his limbs hacked off by a psychopathic farmer’s wife. Did you ever see such a sight in your life?Planet of the Grapes of Wrath Astronaut lands on mysterious planet, only to discover that it is his very own home planet of Earth, which has been taken over by the Joads, a race of dirt-poor corn farmers who miraculously developed rudimentary technology and evolved the ability to speak after exposure to nuclear radiation.Paradise Lost in Space Satan, Moloch, and Belial are sentenced to spend eternity in a flying saucer with a goofy robot, an evil scientist and two annoying children.The Exorstentialist Camus psychological thriller about a priest who casts out a demon by convincing it that there’s really no purpose to what it’s doing.

Un tipo libertino le pregunta a otro:

“Oye, �no sabes de alguna chica, que est� bien buena y que yo no conozca? Lo que pasa es que ya me cog� a todas las chavas de este pueblo”.

Su amigo le comenta acerca de una joven apodada ‘La Profunda’, a la que nadie hab�a podido hacerla gozar.

El tipo, presumiendo ser experto en cuestiones sexuales, se va muy confiado a la casa de la chica. Al llegar, el sujeto le ofrece a ‘La Profunda’ que si tienen sexo, �l la har�a gozar por primera vez. La mujer, no muy convencida, acepta el trato.

El tipo se baja el pantal�n y, sin m�s, la empieza a penetrar. El hombre comienza a gemir, mientras la muchacha est� como si nada. De repente, el tipo comienza a sentir que se hunde dentro de la chica, y en el forcejeo para evitar ser tragado por ella se le va el zapato adentro de su hoyo. Entonces, para recuperar su zapato se adentra en la chica y empieza a buscarlo. Repentinamente, ve a un �rabe que estaba sentado, y le pregunta:

“�T� tambi�n intentaste acostarte con ‘La Profunda’, verdad?”

“S�, hasta mi camello se la quiso coger y no pudo”.

“Oye, �me ayudar�as a encontrar mi zapato?”

“Claro, pero primero busquemos a mi camello”.

There was a man that was born with a golden screw in his navel. Everyone told him just leave it alone, but as he grew older, his curiousity was getting the best of him, so he went to several doctors to find out what it was for. None could give him answer and said it must be there for a reason, so leave it alone. One night, watching TV, he noticed a screwdriver on the table beside him, so he grabbed it and started screwing. Finally it came out! Nothing! So he stood up, and his butt fell off.

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.”

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

The old man replied, “No problem at all, Pastor.”

“Congratulations! Welcome to the church!” said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

The man replied, “The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.”

“Congratulations! Welcome to the church!” said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?”

“No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man replied sadly.

“What Happened?” inquired the pastor.

“My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.”

“You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,” stated the pastor.

“We know.” said the young man, “We’re not welcome at the grocery store anymore either.”

Marcia Clark has signed with NBC to become a legal affairs commentator. In the job, she’ll discuss ongoing court cases and then describe what she would do to lose them.

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam Hussein’s challenge to a
televised debate, Tim Dowling exclusively reveals what could have happened had
they met Tuesday February 25, 2003

Tony Blair, moderator: Welcome to the first televised debate between George W.
Bush and Saddam Hussein, live from United Nations headquarters in New York. We
will begin with a brief opening statement from each of you.

Bush: First of all I would just like to welcome my evil friend to the UN, one
of the great American institutions for the propulsion of freedom throughout the
world.

Saddam: Thank you, Great Satan. I hope that in today’s debate we may find some
common ground between the Iraqi people’s commitment to peace and human progress
and America’s desire to destroy the Middle East.

Bush: Do I answer that?

Blair: No. The first question is quite simply this: do you have any links with
al-Qaida?

Bush: I do not.

Blair: The question is for Saddam.

Saddam: As I told Mr. Tony Benn clearly and simply, if I had links with
al-Qaida and I enjoyed those links then I would not be ashamed to tell the
world, but since I am ashamed to tell the world of this, it follows that I have
no such links.

Bush: Neither do I.

Blair: The second question is for President Bush. President Bush, if America
and Iraq were to go to war tomorrow, who would win?

Bush: That’s easy. America, right?

Saddam: Even I knew that one.

Bush: That’s because the great United American States of America are on the
side of rightliness and Americanity, against an evil Axis of Evil made up of
Iraq, North Korea and… how many are in an axis? Three?

Blair: I think you’re allowed as many as you like.

Bush: OK, Iraq, North Korea and France.!

Saddam: I will tell you frankly and directly that Iraq is not part of any Axis
of Evil.

Bush: Who am I thinking of then? Irania?

Blair: Let’s move on. Saddam, are you willing to destroy your stockpile of
Samoud 2 missiles in accordance with UN weapons inspectors’ orders?

Saddam: I explain to you now that if Iraq possessed these so-called weapons,
we would never destroy them, but since we do not have any such weapons, we are
happy to comply, even though these non-existent weapons certainly do not exceed
the proscribed range of 150 kms. I’ve tested them myself, and we don’t have any.

Blair: The final question is for George Bush. Mr President, is there any way
that Saddam Hussein can avoid war, and what steps must he now take in order to
reach a negotiated solution?

Bush: Listen to me. It’s very simple. First Saddam must compile 200% with the
UN inspectorers, and I mean activated compilation, not passivist compilation.
Second, he must disarm fully, in keeping with UN revelation 1441 and the next
one coming, 1441B, which will require him to disarm even more fully than that.
Then he must destroy all Samoud missiles and any other weapons of mass
destruction he is found, or not found, to be possessive of, without being asked.
Finally, there is one more task he must perform, which I am not at liberty to
revulge. And even that will not be enough.

Blair: The translator would like to take your answer home with him and work on
it over the weekend.

Bush: Fine, but we require nothing less than total disarmature.

Saddam: OK.

Blair: Sorry, but I’m not sure that “disarmature” is a word. I defer to the UN
Keeper of the Dictionary, Mr Richard Stilgoe.

Stilgoe: Yes, you can have disarmature. It means, “the action of disarming”
according to the OED.

Bush: Exactly. He must cut his own arms off.

Saddam: If it means peace, I will do it.

Bush: Too late.

Stilgoe: Did you know that Saddam Hussein is an anagram of ‘Demands a Sushi’?

Saddam: Yes, I’ve heard them all.

Bush: I don’t eat sushi. Is there a fish option?

Blair: I’d like to remind everyone at home that the Monica Lewinsky-Tonya
Harding fight follows after the break.

En la escuela, en la clase de Matem�ticas, el profesor le pregunta a Pepito:

“Si una mujer limpia una casa en una hora, �qu� tiempo durar�n dos mujeres para limpiar la misma casa?”

“Tres horas”, dice Pepito, muy seguro de su respuesta.

“�Pero c�mo va a ser!, la respuesta es media hora” dice el maestro. �De d�nde sacas tres horas?

Pepito le dice: “Ud. puede saber mucho de Matem�ticas, pero no sabe lo que hablan dos mujeres cuando se juntan.”

10. Sometimes stays in bed til after 6am.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full “Kiss” makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, “Thou suck!”

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by “Jeb Daddy.”

5. Defiantly says, “If I had a radio, I’d listen to rap.”

4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.

3. Uses slang expression: “Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain’t listening.”

2. Was recently pulled over for “trotting under the influence of cottage cheese.”

1. He’s wearing his big black hat backwards.

God drives a Plymouth.

Read Genesis: “…and He drove them out in his Fury.”