Category: other

A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is renowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients. The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet. One of the psychiatrist asks, “What are you doing?” She replies, “I’m studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society.” “Wow, that’s wonderful.” The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, “What are you doing?” “I’m studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out” Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open. Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis. The reaction of the psychiatrist, “My God what are you doing?” The man replied: “I’m fucking nuts and I’m never getting out of here”

Estaban dos gallinas en un gallinero muy aburridas, pues no hab�a que hacer, entonces una le dice a la otra:

“Oye manis, qu� te parece si jugamos haber quien pone el huevo mas grande.”

Contesta la otra: “Claro comadre, �por qu� no?”

Y empiezan las dos a hacer ganas y fuerzas. Jum,jum, comienzan a pujar. Despues de 2 horas, dice una:

“Ya casi, ya casi sale, jum, sali�.”

Era un huevo del doble de tama�o que uno normal.

“A ver, g�name.”

Y sigue la otra pujando. Despu�s de dos horas:

“Jum, jum, lo logr�… sali�.”

El huevo era enorme, m�s grande que uno de avestruz. Ella contenta le dice a su amiga:

“Ya viste comadre, �c�mo te quedo el ojo?”

Y contesta la otra:

“Y a ti �c�mo te quedo el culo?”

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen
to you the rest of the day.

Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one
you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
about themselves.

If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool
about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss
asks for a ride home from the office.

Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be
so many.

Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back. This is what I’m doing wrong.

Everything can be filed under “miscellaneous.”

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to
be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for
everything that goes wrong – until the next person quits or is fired.

There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always
enough time to do it over.

The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For
instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law,
contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T …).

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good,
you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People are always available for work in the past tense.

If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of
pens that person is carrying.

When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”

The longer the title, the less important the job.

Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

An “acceptable” level of employment means that the government economist to
whom it is acceptable still has a job.

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one’s own.

Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

Algunos de los mejores (o peores) momentos de la vida son:

Enamorarse… y descubrir que el implicado(a) es homosexual.

Re�rse hasta que te duela la panza… y que se te salga una ruidosa flatulencia en medio de todos tus amigos.

Encontrar miles de correos electr�nicos cuando vuelves de las vacaciones… pero todos son cadenas aburridas y bobas (como �sta) o publicidad o peor a�n, virus del Sircam.

Manejar por alg�n lugar lindo… y chocar por andar baboseando.

Escuchar tu canci�n favorita en la radio… porque tu CD player se descompuso.

Acostarte en tu cama y escuchar como llueve afuera… para despu�s sentir las goteras del techo.

Salir de la ducha y encontrar que la toalla est� calientita… pero porque tu perro se durmi� sobre ella.

Aprobar tu �ltimo examen… pero teni�ndole que dar un buen billete al maestro.

Recibir una llamada de alguien que hace mucho no ves… para pedirte dinero prestado.

Una buena conversaci�n… con un agente del tr�nsito que te agarr� en la movida.

Re�rse de uno mismo… cuando te miras al espejo.

Escuchar accidentalmente que alguien dice que est�s guapo(a)… pero quien lo dice es tu mam�.

Escuchar la canci�n que te hacer recordar a ‘esa’ persona especial… cuando te acaba de cortar.

Ser parte de un equipo… de asalta microbuses.

El primer beso en los labios… a alguien de tu mismo sexo.

Hacer nuevos amigos… pero entre los amigos de lo ajeno.

Sentir cosquillitas en la panza cada vez que ves a ‘esa’ persona… cuando otro(a) se la est� agasajando sabroso.

Ver felices a las personas que quieres… pero felices porque te vas a mudar a Siberia.

Volver a ver a un viejo amigo y sentir que las cosas no cambiaron… porque los dos siguen igual de pobres.

Mirar un atardecer… s�, el atardecer de tu existencia.

Tener a una pareja que te diga que te quiere… que te quiere mandar al diablo.

Re�rse sin motivos… a causa de la esquizofrenia que te est� dando.

Este correo-e es para comprobar qu� tan supersticioso eres. Si se lo reenv�as a m�s de veinte personas en menos de cinco minutos, te garantizamos que te sacar�s la loter�a (�aunque no hayas comprado ning�n boleto!). Si no lo haces, alguno de tus hijos se volver� gay. El origen de este correo-e est� en indochina, en el siglo XVII y da suerte a quien lo obedece y hace desgraciado a quien lo borra (que no te enga�en, en Indochina ya tienen correo electr�nico desde ese entonces). �En serio, es infalible, le pas� a mi compadre que se encontr� un billete de loter�a en el piso… y era el premio gordo!

Va un tipo vendiendo tamales por la calle:

“�Tamales de pollo, carne y elote!”

En eso, una se�ora a la que le hab�an amputado una pierna lo escucha y sale corriendo a alcanzarlo:

“Se�or, se�or, esp�rese”.

El tamalero se detiene y le pregunta:

“�De qu� le doy?”

“�De qu� tiene?”

“De pollo, de elote y de carne, usted escoja”.

“�Pues yo soy coja, pero usted es un hijo de la chingada!”

What’s the difference between an [ethnic] man and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four.

An American, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze.

Then Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia.

For the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished.

The extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each with a whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: “It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”

The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: “Please tie a pillow to my back.”

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Dutchman in horror he said smugly: “Please fix two pillows to my back.”

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!”

“Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,” the American replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.”

“Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave.” The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face.

“If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?” the Sheikh asked.

The American replied: “Tie the Frenchman to my back.”

Submitted by Yisman
Edited by Curtis

Una pareja est� bailando.

“�C�mo te llamas?”, le pregunta el chico.

“Ema”, contesta ella con un desagradable aliento.

Preocupado por ella, el joven insiste:

“�No est�s mala de tu higadito?”

“No”, responde con un tufo terrible.

“�No tendr�s una muela picada?”

“Pues no, s�lo tengo un puente aqu�”, aclara mientras le se�ala el lugar.

“Pues alguien est� haciendo caca debajo del puente”.

There was a man that was born with a golden screw in his navel. Everyone told him just leave it alone, but as he grew older, his curiousity was getting the best of him, so he went to several doctors to find out what it was for. None could give him answer and said it must be there for a reason, so leave it alone. One night, watching TV, he noticed a screwdriver on the table beside him, so he grabbed it and started screwing. Finally it came out! Nothing! So he stood up, and his butt fell off.

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.”

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

The old man replied, “No problem at all, Pastor.”

“Congratulations! Welcome to the church!” said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

The man replied, “The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.”

“Congratulations! Welcome to the church!” said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?”

“No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man replied sadly.

“What Happened?” inquired the pastor.

“My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.”

“You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,” stated the pastor.

“We know.” said the young man, “We’re not welcome at the grocery store anymore either.”

Se encuentran dos amigos, Paco y Juan, que no se ve�an desde hace mucho tiempo.

“�Hombre, Paco, cu�nto tiempo! �A qu� te dedicas?”

“Ver�s, me dedico a predecir el futuro: soy adivino”.

” �No me jodas! �Es una broma?”

“No, mira voy a demostr�rtelo: �Ves a la anciana que se acerca por la derecha? Pues se le va a caer un macetero en la cabeza.

Todav�a no terminaba Paco de decirlo, cuando a la pobre mujer se le cae un macetero en toda la cabeza.

“Incre�ble, pero seguro que ha sido una casualidad”.

“�Todav�a no me crees? Observa: aquel hombre resbalar� con esa c�scara de pl�tano”.

Dicho y hecho, el hombre pisa la c�scara y cae como un tronco.

Visto lo sucedido e intrigado, Juan le pregunta a su amigo:

“�C�mo lo haces?, �Me lo podr�as ense�ar?”

“Esta tarde en mi casa”, accede Paco gustoso.

Llega la tarde y Juan est� ansioso por conocer el secreto de Paco. �ste le ordena subirse a la mesa del comedor, y Juan accede con ciertas dudas. Una vez arriba de la mesa, le pide que se quite la ropa, a lo que el aprendiz se niega.

“�Quieres aprender a ver el futuro o no?”

Pens�ndoselo dos veces, accede.

Ya desnudo y sobre la mesa, Paco le manda:

“Y ahora, ponte en cuatro patas”.

“�No me ir�s a dar por el culo?”, pregunta alarmado Juan.

“�Ves c�mo ya vas aprendiendo!”

Things not to say on your Valentine’s date…1. Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra? 2. I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired. 3. No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it’s not good to mix alcohol and penicillin. 4. I refuse to get cable. That’s how they keep tabs on you. 5. People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell. 6. I used to come here all the time with my ex. 7. I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn’t hurt to consider it. 8. I really feel that I’ve grown up in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn’t have given someone like you a second look. 9. And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest. 10. I know you said you don’t eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask. 11. It’s been tough, but I’ve come to accept that most people I date just won’t be as smart as I am.