Category: other

One night, Erich Honnecker was in the bedchamber having some pillow talk with
his mistress. He was in a magnanimous mood and offered her a present of her
choice. She thought about his offer for a moment and then replied, “Oh, Erich,
if there is one thing I would like you to do for me, it is this: open the
borders just for one day.” Honnecker said, “Of course, my dear,” but was a bit
puzzled by her request. He asked, “But why would you have me do such a thing?”
The mistress replied, “I want to be alone with you.”

Why are harps like elderly parents?

Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot.

They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since
it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the
water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying
their “freedom.” As they were crossing an open area, who should come along
but a group of ladies from town.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered
their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the
minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than
his privates. The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in MY
congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”

why is mummies interesting?
because you get so wrapped up in them

what sport do mummies like best?
casketball

En una iglesia llega una monja corriendo y gritando, y se encuentra con la madre superiora, que est� toda despeinada y con el h�bito roto, y le dice:

“Madre superiora, me pas� algo terrible, �mire como me dej� una avispa!”

“Eso no es nada”, le dice la madre superiora, “�mira como me dejo el obispo!”

This blonde woman went to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack. She met
a foreman of a logging organization who offered to give her a job.
“Now I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day,”
the foreman told her. The blonde woman didn’t see this as a problem, so she went
out with the Chainsaw and did her best.
She came back sweating like a pig. ”Christ, how many trees did you cut
down?” asked the foreman.
”6” she replied.
”What!? You have to do better than that. Get up earlier tomorrow.” The
foreman said. So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw; she came back that
night exhausted.
‘How many this time?” asked the foreman.
”12” she said.
The foreman says, ”That does it. I’m coming out there with you tomorrow
morning.”
The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says,
”This is how to cut down trees really quickly.” He pulls the rope on the
chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUM. He notices the blonde is looking at
him frantically. So he asks her what’s wrong. She replies, ”What the hell is
that?”’

Q: Why do they say ‘Amen’ at the end of a prayer instead of ‘Awomen’? A: The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers! Q: Why didn’t Noah go fishing? A: He only had two worms! Q: When was the longest day in the Bible? A: The day Adam was created because there was no Eve. Q: Why did God create man before woman? A: He didn’t want any advice. Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A: A roamin’ Catholic! Doctor: ‘Your recovery was a miracle!’ Patient: ‘PRAISE GOD. Now I don’t have to pay you!’ Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years? A: Even then men wouldn’t ask for directions!

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven.

They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”

The first guy says,”I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”

The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say … LOOK, HE’S MOVING !!”

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk they think you need. BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need. FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you. ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Entra un tipo a una farmacia y dice:

“Deme una caja de Tampax, por favor”.

El de la farmacia se le queda viendo extra�ado y le pregunta:

“Mire, �y para qu� quiere Ud. una caja de Tampax”.

“Es que eso fue lo que me recet� el doctor para el resfriado este que tengo”.

“Oiga se�or. El Tampax no es para el resfriado. El Tampax es para otra cosa…”.

Y le explica. Entonces le dice el de la farmacia al final:

“Ud. lo que busca es CONTAX”.

“�Efectivamente! �Con raz�n me costaba tanto trabajo trag�rmelos!”

On their way home from attending an Ash Wednesday service, little Johnny asked his mother, “Is it true, Mommy, that we are made of dust like the minister said tonight?””Yes, darling,” his mother answered.”And is it true that we go back to dust again when we die?””Yes, dear,” his mother replied.”Well, Mommy, when I said my prayers last night and looked under the bed, I saw someone who is either coming or going?”

Malo: Encuentras una pel�cula porno en el cuarto de tu hijo.
Peor: Tu eres el protagonista.

Malo: Tus hijos son sexualmente activos.
Peor: Entre ellos.

Malo: Tu esposo se viste de mujer.
Peor: Se ve mejor que tu.

Malo: Tu esposa quiere el divorcio.
Peor: Es abogada.

Malo: Tu esposa te dej�.
Peor: Por otra mujer.

Malo: No encuentras tu vibrador.
Peor: Tu hija lo tom�.

Malo: Tu esposa est� enferma.
Peor: De ti.

Malo: Tu “unidad” solo mide 5 cm.
Peor: �Erecto!

Bueno: Ardiente sexo al aire libre.
Malo: Tu esposo es un playboy.
Peor: Centerfold.

Malo: Est�s arrestada.
Peor: Por tu esposo.

Bueno: Al maestro le agrada tu hijo.
Malo: Sexualmente.

Bueno: Fuiste a un strip show.
Malo: Tu hija lo encabeza.

Bueno: Tu novio est� a dieta.
Malo: Le va a quedar tu ropa.

Bueno: Tu hija practica sexo seguro.
Malo: Tiene 11 a�os.

Bueno: Tu vecina se ejercita desnuda.
Malo: Pesa 135 Kg.

Bueno: A tu esposa le gusta el sexo al aire libre.
Malo: Viven en un multifamiliar.

Bueno: Tu esposa acaba de experimentar su primer orgasmo.
Malo: Con el cartero.

Bueno: Tu esposa tiene el est�mago plano.
Malo: �Y el pecho tambien!

Bueno: Tu novia tiene cabello rubio, suave y largo.
Malo: Bajo el brazo.