Category: other

A man exploring the ancient Pyramids of Egypt while on vacation stumbled across a secret room. He sneaked away from the tour group and explored the room. He found a dusty lamp and picked it up. While he wiped the dust off the lamp a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.”For freeing me from my prison, I will grant you a wish, what will it be sire?”The man thought for a moment, then said, “I want a spectacular job, a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do.””Allah Ka Zam!” said the genie.”You’re a housewife!”

An old man goes into the confessional and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them twice.”
The priest said: “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”

“Never Father, I’m Jewish.”

“So then, why are you telling me?”

“I’m telling everybody.”

How does an [ethnic] take a shower?

He pisses into the wind!

A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch. Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.

Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins.

His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked, “What’d you do that fer?””

“That’s fer fifty years of bad sex,” she said.

He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins.

As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked, “What was that fer?”

That,” said her husband as he began to rock again, “is fer knowin’ the difference!”

Q:what is the difference between Bill Gates and a vibrator?
A:a vibrator is an artificial dick!

One night the Norse God, Thor was feeling a bit horny, so he decided to come down to earth to satisfy his needs.

He picked up a good looking woman with a great body and they went to her apartment.

The girl’s only defect was that she had a speech impediment, but the sex was good, nonetheless.

They went at it hot and heavy all night long.

In the morning, Thor had to leave so he decided he should at least tell her his name, so he said to her, “I’m Mighty Thor and I have to leave now.”

She looked at him and said, “You’re thore? I’m tho thore I can hardly pith.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

there was a family of 3 hookers a daughter a mum and a grandmother,
the daughter charged �30 for a blowjob,
the mother charged �60 for a blowjob,
but the grandmother was just glad of a warm drink

Why didnt the skeleton go to the party?

cos he had no body to go with.

El abuelo llama al nieto a escondidas y le dice:

�En la mesita de noche de tu pap� hay un frasquito peque�o con unas pastillitas azules que dice Viagra. Si t� me traes una pastillita de �sas, sin decirle nada a tu pap�, ma�ana temprano te doy 100 pesos.

��100 pesos, abuelo? �Eso es mucho dinero! Est� bien, esp�rame aqu�.

El ni�ito llega a la rec�mara del pap� y agarra el frasquito y lee:

�Via…gra, �stas son” y le lleva la pastilla al abuelo.

Al siguiente d�a, el chiquillo se levanta muy temprano y va a saludar al viejo.

�Buenos d�as, abuelo. �C�mo dormiste?�

�Muy bien, hijo (con una sonrisa de oreja a oreja)�.

Y le entrega 2 mil pesos.

El chico, extra�ado, alega:

�Abuelo, t� me ofreciste s�lo 100 pesos�.

��S�, 100 que te doy yo y 1900 que te manda tu abuela!�

In a commercial flight, the captain announces that there is
turbulence and that the passengers should buckle their
seatbelts. After the announcement, he turns to his co-pilot and
says, “I sure could use a nice cup of coffee and a blow-job
right about now,” not realizing that the intercom is still on.

A stewardess dashes up the aisle to tell him that the intercom
was on. Just before she reaches the doorway, a guy in back
yells, “Hey babe, don’t forget the coffee!”

1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honey-moon, you both keep doing it until you’re blue in the face.

2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you’ll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You’ve calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, “Fuck you!”

5) The fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.