Category: other

What’s a “feel-up”?

It’s what you get at a Mexican gas station.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Viajaban tres monjas en un avi�n y una dice: “En mi pueblo tenemos unas naranjas as� de grandes.” Y acompa�a sus palabras con un gesto de las manos.

La otra dice: “Pues en mi pueblo tenemos unos pl�tanos as� de largos.” Y hace el gesto con las manos.

La otra monjita, que era sorda, dice: “�Ya s� de que hablais! �De los cojones del padre Camilo!”

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered
hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started
advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

“It’s O.K.,” he replied, “it’s written in the Bible.”

So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl asked to see where
in the Bible it says it’s okay.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where
someone wrote in pencil – “The hat check girl puts out!”

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer. Unfortunately, he mistyped the address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the widow of a recently deceased minister.

The preacher’s wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.

When her family finally revived her and asked her what had happened, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: “Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here.”

A little girl and mother walk into the house to catch the girl’s older brother having sex on the couch with his girl. The girl looks in amazement and asks her mother what her brother was doing. The mother replied “He baking a cake honey.” And sends her upstairs while she talks to the brother about his actions. While in her room, the girl turns on the tv. She flips through the channels to discover on National Geographic two lions having sex. She call to her mother from her room yelling “Mommy come quick, i need to show you something.” The mother rushes upstairs not knowing what to expect.”Yes dear,” the mother replies. “Mommy are the lions baking a cake too?” the little girl amazed at what she had learned. The mother with a sigh agreed,”yes dear, they are baking a cake too.” That morning the little girl came down stairs for breakfast and to ask a question.”Mommy can i ask you a question?” “Yes dear,” the mother replied. “Okay, did you and daddy bake a cake last night?” the girl asked with little to no hesitation. “Yes honey, Why?” the mother replied worried that her little girl had seen something. “Okay good cause I lick the icing off the sheets.”

What did the black kid say as he slid down the zebra’s leg?

Now you see me now you dont! Now you see me now you don’t!

A couple went golfing one day at a very, very exclusive course lined with million-dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned,
‘Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows it’ll cost us a fortune to repair.’

Of course, she teed off and promptly shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed.
‘I warned you to watch out. Now we’ll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost.’

They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said,
‘Come on in.’

When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch said,
‘Are you the people that broke the window?’

‘Uh yeah, we’re sure sorry about that,’ the husband replied.

‘0H!, no apology is necessary.

Actually I want to thank you. You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.

‘Now that you’ve released me I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.’

‘Wow, that’s great!’ the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, ‘I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.’

‘No problem, it’s the least I can do. And you, young lady, what do you want?’ the genie said looking at the wife.

‘I’d like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world,’ she said.

‘Consider it done,’ the genie said.

‘And what’s your wish, genie?’ they asked in unison.

‘Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t had sex with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife.’

The husband looked at his wife and said,
‘Gee, honey, you know we now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?’

She mulled it over for a few moments and said,
‘Considering all that, I guess I wouldn’t mind.’

The genie took the woman upstairs and ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both had been satisfied repeatedly, and as the genie rolled over he looked at the wife and asked,
‘How old is your husband?’

‘He’s 35,’ she responded breathlessly.

‘No shit! Thirty-five years old and that idiot still believes in genies?’

Dos barcos estaban atracados en un puerto. Una embarcaci�n era de Tontilandia y la otra inglesa. Todas las noches desde el barco brit�nico se escuchaba un llamado:

“�Manolo, Manolo, Manolo!”

Y un tontiland�s respond�a:

“�Qu� pasa?”

“�La concha de tu hermana!”, replicaban desde el otro barco.

“�Co�o, no puede ser! �Put�sima madre!”

El hombre del barco ingl�s continu� con sus llamados y Manolo respondi�ndole. Dos semanas despu�s, Manolo harto de esa situaci�n le comenta el hecho al capit�n, y �ste le aconseja:

“Mira, cuando veas gente en el otro barco grita: Smith, Smith, y luego le dices lo que quieras”.

“Gracias, capit�n”, agradece Manolo entusiasmado.

Entonces sale a cubierta y grita a todo pulm�n:

“�Smith, Smith!”

“�Qui�n lo llama?”, preguntan desde la otra nave.

“Manolo”.

“�La concha de tu hermana!”

Q. What does a retard do when he has to piss?
A. Well you should know!

How come Texas A&M couldn’t put on a nativity scene? Because they couldnt find three wise men or a virgin!

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice.

He had always hated Math, so, he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.

He asked her, “If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

She replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we all have nicknames for it.

So I named my private part pride……it’s not much but at least I have my pride.

-Jay London