Category: other

What’s long, brown and has a cumulative IQ of 80?

A Cinco De Mayo parade.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

Una mujer va de compras, y en una tienda ve un armario desmontable maj�simo y decide comprarlo. Llega a su casa y lo monta ella sola toda contenta.

De pronto pasa el autob�s por la calle y el armario se desmonta solo. La mujer sorprendida vuelve a montar el armario, pero vuelve a pasar el autobus y �plum! el armario se desmonta y se cae al suelo otra vez. Entonces decide llamar a su vecino para que le ayude dici�ndole que cada vez que pasa el autob�s el armario se desmonta solo.

El vecino lo monta apretando bien todas las tuercas y tornillos y luego deciden esperar que pase el autob�s a ver qu� pasa. Esperan unos minutos y al pasar el veh�culo el armario se vuelve a desmontar.

Increible, exclaman los dos. Mire, le dice el vecino, a la mujer voy a meterme en el armario y cuando pase el autobus voy a saber porque se cae. El hombre se introduce en el armario y espera.

En esto llega el marido de la mujer y abre el armario para dejar su chaqueta y ve al vecino.

“Pero �qu� significa esto?”

“No me va usted a creer pero estaba esperando el autob�s…”

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, “I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer’s mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed.”

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this there were hundreds of Indians in various stages and different positions of making love.

Furious, he called the artist in. “What the hell is this?!” screamed the billionaire.

“Why, that’s exactly what you asked for,” said the artist smugly.

“No! I didn’t ask for a mural of pornographic filth, I asked for a mural of the interpretation of Custer’s last thoughts!”

“And there you have it,” said the artist, “I call it ‘Holy cow – look at all those fucking Indians!'”

Once there was a sperm named Bob.

When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights.

One day, all the other sperms asked him, “Why don’t you just swim around like us?”

Bob replied, with a smirk, “Well, when the time comes, I’m gonna be the first one there.”

The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn’t.

So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when Bob pulled ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back.

The others asked him why he turned around and he said, “Back up boys, it’s a BLOW JOB!”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman and Tantilazing

Two nuns were driving home one dark stormy night when suddenly, WHAM! A vampire lands right on the hood of their car. His eyes are gleaming yellow and his razor-sharp fangs dripping with blood.

The nun who is driving screams to the other nun, “SHOW HIM YOUR CROSS!”

So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, “GET THE HELL OFF THE HOOD OF THIS CAR!”

Two nude statues (one male and one female) had been standing in a beautiful park for 99 years. On their 100th anniversary in the park an angel came down from heaven to talk to the statues.He said to them, ‘God has been watching you for the past 100 years and has been very pleased with the two of you. So pleased in fact that he has decided to make you human for a short time.’The angel then went on to say that they would be human for 15 minutes and would finally be able to pleasure themselves in a manner in which they have only fantasized about for the last 100 years.The statues were so excited they could hardly believe it. The second they became human they ran off together behind the bushes. The angel heard the rustling of the bushes and shouts of joy and laughter.After 10 minutes the statues returned from behind the bushes sweating and laughing. The angel told the statues that they still had five more minutes.The male statue quickly turned to the female statue and said: `Cool, this time, you hold down the pigeon and I’ll shit on its head.’

Una mujer estaba conversando con su vecina: “Hoy me siento realmente bien. Comenc� el d�a con un acto de generosidad. Le d� un billete de 100 a un vago.”

“�Le diste un billete de 100 a un vago? Eso es mucho dinero para regalarlo. �Qu� dijo tu esposo al respecto?”

“Oh, �l estaba encantado. Lo �nico que dijo fue Gracias.”

Un alto funcionario del Fondo Monetario Internacional est� por llegar a un pa�s latinoamericano a revisar cuentas fiscales. Era un d�a lluvioso, y el Presidente y su Ministro de Econom�a estaban en el aeropuerto a su espera. Ambos decidieron subirse las botamangas de sus pantalones para evitar moj�rselos. El avi�n desciende y ambos emprenden su marcha hacia el pie de la escalerilla para saludar al visitante. En ese momento el Ministro de Econom�a nota que el Presidente no volvi� a su lugar las botamangas de su pantanl�n:

“Se�or Presidente, ya viene el funcionario. B�jase los pantalones.”

“�Tanto le debemos?”

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. “Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ’95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before in your case; I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.”

Bill replied, “well, what’s the difference between the two?” St. Peter said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.”

“Fine, but where should I go first?”

“I’ll leave that up to you.”

“Okay then,” said Bill, Let’s try Hell first.”

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. “This is great!” he told St. Peter. “If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!”

“Fine,” said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. “Hmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told St. Peter.

“Fine,” retorted St. Peter, “as you desire.”

So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. “How’s everything going?” he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?”

“That was a demo,” replied St. Peter.

13. The Plague of the Hickeys

12. The Parting of Don King’s Hair

11. And in these gospels did many sentences begin with the word “And,” yet the Net-Grammarians remained silent.

10. The Near-Perfect Slicing of the Pringles

9. Awkward teenage Jesus swinging a date with Nazareth High’s head cheerleader.

8. “Moses then parted the red cheeks and let forth a blast which halted the Egyptians in their path.”

7. First Try: Jesus turns water into Earl Grey tea.

6. “Water into Wine” and “Loaves and Fishes” were pretty good, but “Oregano into Primo Mexican Weed” was *truly* impressive.

5. The Supersizing of the Multitude under the Golden Arches

4. Moses’ mother letting him wander around the desert for forty years without calling or visiting her in Miami Beach even once.

3. Methuselah wedding Anna Nicole Smith at the age of 893.

2. Apprentice Savior Marvin helping a blind man to hear.

1. Jesus becoming a brown-haired, blue-eyed Caucasian, despite having been born a Middle Eastern Jew.

[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]

Una muchacha estaba a pocos d�as de casarse solo que el vestido le quedaba muy largo, as� que le pidi� a su mam� que se lo recortara, pero la mam� no pod�a debido a que se encontraba ocupada.

Entonces decidi� preguntarle a su abuela para ver si le recortaba el vestido, pero la abuela tambi�n se encontraba ocupada leyendo. Decidi� preguntarle a su hermana, pero la hermana estaba estudiando y tampoco pod�a.

En eso la muchacha se fue porque ten�a que hacer una diligencia, entonces su mam� entr� a su cuarto y le recort� el vestido, luego entr� la abuela y le recort� el vestido y luego entr� la hermana y le recort� el vestido.

Al fin llego el d�a de la boda y el novio y la novia se ten�an que vestir. El novio le dice a ella: “Tu te vistes aqu� y yo me visto por all�, pero no vayas a mirar hacia all�.”

En eso la novia alz� su vestido y mirando sorprendida dijo: “�Tan chiquito y tan arrugadito!”

Y el novio le grit�: “�Te dije que no miraras hacia ac�!”

It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.”What are my choices?” he asked.She replied, “Yes or No.”