Est�n dos enamorados bailando bien pegados. El novio le dice a la novia:
“Mar�a, cada vez que bailo contigo bien pegado siento que el coraz�n se me sale”.
Y le contesta la novia:
“�Ay, Pedro, t� si que tienes el coraz�n bien abajo!”
Category: other
OJs Clock
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It’s a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, “I’m not very busy today, why don’t you let me show you around?”The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a huge room full of clocks.The guy asks, “What’s up with these clocks?”St. Peter explains, “Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged.”The guy thinks that this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is?St. Peter explains, “Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock.”This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, “What’s the story with that clock?””Oh, that,” St. Peter replies, “That’s OJ Simpson’s clock. We decided to use it as a fan.”
Polak Lunch
There are three construction workers on top of a building having lunch. One Italian, one Polak, and one Oriental.
The Italian has a meatball hero, the Oriental has noodles, and the Polak has knockwurst. The Italian and the Oriental are tired of having the same lunches everyday. The Italian says that if he gets a meatball hero the next day that he will throw it off the building. The Oriental says that if he gets noodles tommorow he will also throw it off the building. The Polak says that if he gets knockwurst tommorow he will throw it off the building.
Sure enough the Italian and Oriental workers open their lunch-boxes and they find that they have a meatball hero and noodles respectively. They both throw their lunches off the building. The Polak then throws his sandwich off the building.
The other guys ask him how he knew that it was knockwurst again without even looking.
He responded by saying, “Because I pack my own lunch.”
Una pareja est� en el
Una pareja est� en el campo y empiezan con el calent�n, entonces �l se pone a comerle el co�o.
“�Pepe, Pepe, qu�tate las gafas que me haces da�o!”
El tipo se quita las gafas y sigue con la tarea. Al momento ella insiste:
“�Anda, Pepe, ponte de nuevo las gafas que est�s mordiendo el c�sped!”
Is Sex Work or Play?
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible,” My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays.”
The man thinks: “What does a priest know of sex?”
He goes to minister… a married man, experienced.. for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply.. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge…A Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question and states, “My son, sex is definitely play.”
The man replies, “Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!”
The Rabbi softly speaks, “If sex were work…my wife would have the maid do it.”
Answer me this!!!!!
1 out of four people have mental illness right? well if all of your friends have a mental illness, you included then who?
answer me!!!!!!!!!
Respuesta (cuando se quedaba callada)
Respuesta (cuando se quedaba callada)
Querid�simo esposo:
Me parece que has mal interpretado las cosas. Aqu� van las razones por las que no conseguiste m�s de lo que tuviste.
Volver borracho: 14 veces
No volver a casa: 30 veces
No volver temprano: 18 veces
Volver demasiado temprano: 29 veces
Se te puso floja antes de tiempo: 16 veces
Calambres en las piernas: 11 veces
No se te par�: 34 veces
Medio se te par�: 25 veces
Te la machucaste con el cierre: 13 veces
Ten�as resfriado y te goteaba la nariz: 17 veces
El caf� estaba muy caliente y te quem� la lengua: 09 veces
Me lo quisiste hacer por atr�s pensando que era por delante: 12 veces
Se te pasaron las ganas despu�s de pensar en ello demasiado: 36 veces
Te viniste en la pijama despu�s de leer un libro porno: 15 veces
Por cierto, las veces que permanec� ah� acostada simplemente, fue debido a que te saliste y te dedicaste a hacerlo con las s�banas. Parec�as tan entusiasmado, que no quise moverme y arruinarte el placer. Y la vez que me levant� y me puse a respirar agitadamente, fue porque en tus movimientos pasionales se te sali�… �un pedo!
Atentamente
Tu esposa.
The dinner guests!
A Jewish family invited their Redneck neighbors over for holiday dinner.
The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced, “This is soup made with matzoh balls.”
On seeing the 2 large matzoh balls in the soup, the redneck man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently, the Jewish couple urged him to, “Just have a taste. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to finish it.”
Finally he agrees. He digs his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of matzoh ball with some soup in the spoon, and tasting it gingerly. The usual mmmm sound can be heard coming from somewhere deep in his chest, and he quickly finished the soup.
“That was delicious,” he said, but I was wondering…
“Can you eat any other parts of the matzoh?”
Parade
What’s long, brown and has a cumulative IQ of 80?
A Cinco De Mayo parade.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Una mujer va de compras,
Una mujer va de compras, y en una tienda ve un armario desmontable maj�simo y decide comprarlo. Llega a su casa y lo monta ella sola toda contenta.
De pronto pasa el autob�s por la calle y el armario se desmonta solo. La mujer sorprendida vuelve a montar el armario, pero vuelve a pasar el autobus y �plum! el armario se desmonta y se cae al suelo otra vez. Entonces decide llamar a su vecino para que le ayude dici�ndole que cada vez que pasa el autob�s el armario se desmonta solo.
El vecino lo monta apretando bien todas las tuercas y tornillos y luego deciden esperar que pase el autob�s a ver qu� pasa. Esperan unos minutos y al pasar el veh�culo el armario se vuelve a desmontar.
Increible, exclaman los dos. Mire, le dice el vecino, a la mujer voy a meterme en el armario y cuando pase el autobus voy a saber porque se cae. El hombre se introduce en el armario y espera.
En esto llega el marido de la mujer y abre el armario para dejar su chaqueta y ve al vecino.
“Pero �qu� significa esto?”
“No me va usted a creer pero estaba esperando el autob�s…”
Custer’s last stand
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, “I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer’s mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed.”
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this there were hundreds of Indians in various stages and different positions of making love.
Furious, he called the artist in. “What the hell is this?!” screamed the billionaire.
“Why, that’s exactly what you asked for,” said the artist smugly.
“No! I didn’t ask for a mural of pornographic filth, I asked for a mural of the interpretation of Custer’s last thoughts!”
“And there you have it,” said the artist, “I call it ‘Holy cow – look at all those fucking Indians!'”
Back up boys!
Once there was a sperm named Bob.
When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights.
One day, all the other sperms asked him, “Why don’t you just swim around like us?”
Bob replied, with a smirk, “Well, when the time comes, I’m gonna be the first one there.”
The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn’t.
So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when Bob pulled ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back.
The others asked him why he turned around and he said, “Back up boys, it’s a BLOW JOB!”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman and Tantilazing