Really Stupid People A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film’s depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
Category: other
En una base militar de
En una base militar de Tontilandia est�n planeando una invasi�n y el capit�n informa:
“1. Volamos a 500 metros de altura sobre territorio enemigo. 2. En el punto se�alado nos tiramos del avi�n, contamos hasta tres y abrimos el paraca�das. 3. Una vez abajo, detr�s de los juncos se encuentran motocicletas listas para partir al punto X de encuentro”.
“�Comprendido? �Comprendido?”, grita el capit�n.
“�Comprendido!”, le responden sus soldados.
Ya en vuelo, se tira el primer tontiland�s, cuenta hasta tres, abre el paraca�das y, una vez en el piso, busca la moto, la enciende y sale. Se tira el segundo tontiland�s y lo mismo; se tira el tercero, y no se abre el paraca�das. Enojado maldice:
“�Puta, qu� suerte la m�a, lo �nico que falta es que cuando llegue abajo, la moto no arranque!”
Crap
What is really crap and really pisses right you off? All of the jokes on this web site coz hardly any of them are at all funny!
Florist Mix-up
A florist received an outraged telephone call from a man who had moved his
restaurant to a new spot in town. The restaurant owner had been sent a funeral
wreath along with a card that read:
SINCEREST SYMPATHIES.
The florist realized that he must have mixed up two orders and shuddered to
think of the flowers that should have gone to the restaurant man. He had sent to
the funeral a clover design of red roses across which was a bright green ribbon
bearing the inscription: =20
BEST OF LUCK IN YOUR NEW LOCATION.
Yo mama’s So Fat
Yo’ mama so fat, I take a lap around her for exercise!
6 Legged Turkey
An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together.”Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!”They all asked the farmer how it tasted.”Don’t know” said the farmer.”Never could catch the son of a bitch!!!”
Top 20 Things To Do When Your Bored
1. Piss on a tree.
2. Light yourself on fire, then run down a beach, screaming for
water.
3. Run into a firehouse, on fire.
4. Goto the nearest bakery 99 times, buying a donut each time.
Don’t eat them, then ask for a refund. See what happens if
they’re wet.
5. Goto 7-11 and ask the cash register guy for a cart, say it in
German then in Spanish, each time cursing him out in English for
not understanding his native language.
6. Light a torch and run down your street singing, “Goodness
Gracious Great Balls Of Fire” while dumping the liquid contents
of a can labeled “Gas” on the street.
7. Get a big crowd of people and say you are gonna do something
really cool. Tell them to shut up, and let the tension build.
Break the silence by farting, saying “TA DA” and bowing. Walk
away… you may have to run.
8. Run into a GAY bar and sing the Mr. Roboto song loudly. Act
drunk and willing.
9. Go fuck a chicken… no i dont know how…
10. Call mrs. Cleo and ask for a blowjob. Even females.
11. Play with matches in a shed full of Roman Candles.
12. Run into a bank with a water gun and say this is a stickup!
13. Drink the chunky milk in the back of the fridge.
14. Sniff air fresheners, with a friend.
15. If your a girl, act really seductively in a bar one night.
When a man comes up to you say, “NO I WILL NOT GO HOME WITH YOU!”
16. Steal a docters uniform, then go into surgery and act like a
retart… wait until they give you the cutting knife.
17. When getting pulled over by the police, ask for the magic
ticket for a ride in the pretty car.
18. When he starts writeing the ticket, use your writing hand to
wipe your ass. You have to use his pen.
19. Go trick or treating… not on Halloween. Act offended when
you are told it isnt Halloween. Tell them Saten sent you.
20. Smile at your hottest teacher all throughout the lesson, not
doing any work at all. At the end of the lesson tell her, “I
have new socks on.”
President’s Surprise
The President was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out “The President Sucks.”
Infuriated, he called on the secret service to figure out who had done it.
In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.
“The bad news is that the urine is from the Vice President.”
“Al? How could you do this to me? What could be worse than this?”
“The handwriting’s the first lady’s.”
Polak Lunch
There are three construction workers on top of a building having lunch. One Italian, one Polak, and one Oriental.
The Italian has a meatball hero, the Oriental has noodles, and the Polak has knockwurst. The Italian and the Oriental are tired of having the same lunches everyday. The Italian says that if he gets a meatball hero the next day that he will throw it off the building. The Oriental says that if he gets noodles tommorow he will also throw it off the building. The Polak says that if he gets knockwurst tommorow he will throw it off the building.
Sure enough the Italian and Oriental workers open their lunch-boxes and they find that they have a meatball hero and noodles respectively. They both throw their lunches off the building. The Polak then throws his sandwich off the building.
The other guys ask him how he knew that it was knockwurst again without even looking.
He responded by saying, “Because I pack my own lunch.”
Una pareja est� en el
Una pareja est� en el campo y empiezan con el calent�n, entonces �l se pone a comerle el co�o.
“�Pepe, Pepe, qu�tate las gafas que me haces da�o!”
El tipo se quita las gafas y sigue con la tarea. Al momento ella insiste:
“�Anda, Pepe, ponte de nuevo las gafas que est�s mordiendo el c�sped!”
Is Sex Work or Play?
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible,” My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays.”
The man thinks: “What does a priest know of sex?”
He goes to minister… a married man, experienced.. for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply.. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge…A Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question and states, “My son, sex is definitely play.”
The man replies, “Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!”
The Rabbi softly speaks, “If sex were work…my wife would have the maid do it.”
Respuesta (cuando se quedaba callada)
Respuesta (cuando se quedaba callada)
Querid�simo esposo:
Me parece que has mal interpretado las cosas. Aqu� van las razones por las que no conseguiste m�s de lo que tuviste.
Volver borracho: 14 veces
No volver a casa: 30 veces
No volver temprano: 18 veces
Volver demasiado temprano: 29 veces
Se te puso floja antes de tiempo: 16 veces
Calambres en las piernas: 11 veces
No se te par�: 34 veces
Medio se te par�: 25 veces
Te la machucaste con el cierre: 13 veces
Ten�as resfriado y te goteaba la nariz: 17 veces
El caf� estaba muy caliente y te quem� la lengua: 09 veces
Me lo quisiste hacer por atr�s pensando que era por delante: 12 veces
Se te pasaron las ganas despu�s de pensar en ello demasiado: 36 veces
Te viniste en la pijama despu�s de leer un libro porno: 15 veces
Por cierto, las veces que permanec� ah� acostada simplemente, fue debido a que te saliste y te dedicaste a hacerlo con las s�banas. Parec�as tan entusiasmado, que no quise moverme y arruinarte el placer. Y la vez que me levant� y me puse a respirar agitadamente, fue porque en tus movimientos pasionales se te sali�… �un pedo!
Atentamente
Tu esposa.