Category: other

i pooped

En un pueblo se constru�a una carretera y uno de los lugare�os se sentaba largas horas para ver como se realizaba la obra cuando…

“Hola, soy George Frank Steven, el ingeniero que hizo los estudios y encargado de la obra y la maquinaria”.

“Hola, yo soy Federico D�az; soy del pueblo vecino”.

“Veo que nunca hab�as visto como se hace una carretera moderna, dime, �c�mo hacen las carreteras en tu pueblo?”

“Bueno, en mi pueblo cuando queremos hacer una carretera de un pueblo a otro, soltamos un burro viejo y el animal escoge el camino m�s corto y m�s seguro y por ese camino hacemos la carretera”.

“�Y qu� pasa si no tienen un burro?”

“�Llamamos a un ingeniero!”

Typical Mexican macho man married typical good-looking Mexican lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:

“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want – and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules! Any comments?”

His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there’ll be sex here at seven o’clock every night – whether you’re here or not.”

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just arse holes.

I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion – not proof – to destroy it. After that, you’d better have a big dick or huge tits.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more fed up than you think.

I’ve learned you should always leave loved ones with loving words. You may need to borrow money.

I’ve learned that you can keep puking long after you think you’re finished.

I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I’ve learned that either you control your attitude or you will he offered medication.

I’ve learned that money is a great substitute for character.

I’ve learned that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean you cant take advantage of them when they’re passed out and naked in your bed.

I�ve learned that maturity is a magazine for old farts.

I’ve learned that no matter how good a woman is she’ll only contribute to your alcoholism.

I’ve learned that no matter how badly your heart is broken, therapy is still expensive.

I’ve learned that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t have secret plans to move out.

I’ve learned that we don’t have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I’ve learned that two people can screw the exact same person and compare notes.

I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. And all the less important ones just never go away.

I’ve learned to say, ‘F*** them if they can’t take a joke’ in six languages.

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, “Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?”The little boy nodded in the affirmative.”Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?”The little boy nodded yes.”So,” the coach continued, “when a strike is called, or you’re out at first, you don’t argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?”Again the little boy nodded.”Good,” said the coach.”Now go over there and explain it to your mother.”

When I die I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather;
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I always try to count my blessings, but I am no good at fractions.

War decides not who is right, but who is left.

Tres viejos est�n sentados en un banco tomando sol.

“Si es que hay que ver lo que es la edad… tengo 70 a�os, y todos los d�as a las 7 en punto me despierto con unas ganas horribles de orinar, pero no hay forma, me paso el d�a entero intentando mear pero no puedo.”

“Eso no es nada. A mis 80 a�os, me despierto a las 8 y lo primero que hago es irme a cacar, pero nada, que no hay manera y as� me paso el d�a entero, sin poder cacar.”

“Ah pero eso no es nada. Con mis 90 a�os, yo orino todos los d�as a las 7 y caco a las 8; luego, a las 9, me despierto.”

Q: How many Vietnam Vets does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: You don’t know cuz you weren’t there man!

The curator of a Western art museum commissioned a local artist
to paint a mural-sized painting of Custer’s Last Thought. The
artist was told to make it highly symbolic of Custer’s mindset
during the debacle at Little Big Horn.

Deep in thought, the artist went to her studio. After many false
starts, she proceeded to paint an enormous oil painting.
Finally, after many months of work, the painting was unveiled
for the curator. In the foreground, a beautiful crystalline blue
lake with a single fish leaping. Around the fish’s head is a
halo. In the background, the hills and meadows are covered with
naked Native American couples copulating.

The curator is both disgusted and baffled by what he sees. In a
rage he turns to the artist and asks, “What the hell has this
got to do with Custer’s Last Thought?”

The artist replied, “Well, the way I see it, Custer’s Last
Thought had to have been: “Holy Mackerel! Where did all these
fucking Indians come from?'”

A salesman drops in to see a business customer.

Not a soul is in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets.

The salesman stares at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.

The dog looks up and says, “Don’t be surprised. This is just part of my job.”

“Incredible!” exclaims the man. “I can’t believe it. Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!”

“Please don’t tell him!” pleads the dog. “If that man finds out I can talk, he’ll make me answer the phone too.”

Submitted by ���rt��
Edited by calamjo

Estaba un hombre mayor dando de pastar a su reba�o de ovejas cuando, de repente, aparece por el inh�spito camino una 4×4 completamente equipada y nueva. Para frente al anciano y se baja un gal�n de no m�s de 30 a�os. Sobretodo negro, camisa blanca Hugo Boss y pantal�n YSL; se acerca al viejo y lo reta:

“Se�or, �si yo le adivino cu�ntas ovejas tiene Ud. en su reba�o, me regala una?”

El viejo responde con algo de asombro:

“S�, me gustar�a saber si adivina”.

Entonces, el joven vuelve a su 4×4 y saca una Toshiba Tecra 8000 con 128 MB de RAM; se conecta a la Red de Redes; baja una base de datos de 300 MB y entra a una p�gina de la NASA v�a sat�lite. Despu�s, identifica la zona exacta en donde est� el reba�o; calcula el promedio hist�rico del tama�o de una oveja tipo Merino mediante una tabla din�mica de Excel y, con la ejecuci�n de algunas macros personalizadas en Visual Basic, logra completar el diagrama de flujo del Microsoft Project. Luego de tres horas le responde al vetusto:

“Usted tiene 1347 ovejas y 4 pueden estar embarazadas”.

El viejo asinti�, y le dijo que efectivamente as� era y que se llevara su oveja. El joven tom� una oveja y la carg� en la camioneta. Cuando se estaba por ir, el anciano lo detuvo y le pregunt�:

“Disculpe, pero si yo llegase a adivinar cu�l es su profesi�n, �Ud. me devuelve mi oveja?”

“Seguro hombre”, le responde sonriente el joven, mientras abr�a la puerta de su 4×4 para marcharse.

“Usted es consultor”.

El joven, sorprendido completamente, coment�:

“�Exacto!”

Y mientras le devolv�a la oveja que hab�a tomado pregunt�:

“�C�mo se dio cuenta?”

“Primero: Ud. vino sin que yo lo llamara. Segundo: me cobr� una oveja por decirme algo que yo ya s�. Tercero: se nota que no conoce nada de mi negocio, porque se estaba llevando a mi perro…”

You’re so poor I went to your house and asked where the bathroom was and you said, �4th bottle to the left.�