Category: other

The Relationship with your Wife/Girlfriend Is Over When … – The milkman is wearing your bathrobe. – You get a ticket for the Jerry Springer Show. – She starts every sentence with the words … “To whom it may concern.” – Your mail comes addressed to “Current Resident.” – The local mortician starts measuring you for a new suit. – Her mother looks at you and starts laughing. – You are urged to stir your coffee “very well,” before drinking it. – Your favourite easy chair is plugged into the wall outlet. – People are already referring to her as the “widow.” – Your name is Fred and a new tattoo just below her navel reads … “Joe’s Place.”

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn’t have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.The Pope proceeds to hop on Route 95 and starts accelerating to see what the limo could go. Well, he gets to about 90 miles per hour and,WHAM! There are the blue lights of our friendly State Police in his mirror.He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well, the trooper, seeing who it was, says “just a moment please I need to call in.”The trooper radio’s in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief “I’ve got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do.”The chief replies “Who is it, not Ted again ?”The trooper says, “No, even more important.”The chief replies, “It’s the Governor, isn’t it ?”The trooper replies “No, even more important.””It isn’t the President is it?””No, more important,” replies the trooper.”Well, WHO the HECK is it!”, screams the chief.”I don’t know” says the trooper. “But he’s got the Pope as a chauffeur!”

one day his boy came up to his man and took his dog the man
said why did u take my dog the boy said my daddy needs a bitch

A woman desperately looking for work goes to the Tickle Me Elmo Factory. The
Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets that
he has no jobs worthy of her skills. The woman answers that she really needs
work and will take almost anything.
The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill
job on the “Tickle Me Elmo” assembly line. The woman happily accepts. He takes
her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in at 8:00
AM the next day. The next day at 8:45 there’s a knock at the Personnel Manager’s
door. The “Tickle Me Elmo” Assembly Line manager comes in and starts ranting
about the woman just hired. After listening to his screaming for 15 minutes
about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested
he show him the problem. Together they head down to the line and sure enough
Elmos are backed up from here to Kingdom Come. Right at the end of the line is
the woman he had hired. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and
has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric
and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo’s legs.
The Personnel Manager starts laughing hysterically and finally after several
minutes of rolling laughter he pulls himself together and walks over to the new
employee and says: “I’m sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I
wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles.”

What do u call it when your tv is floting at night?

Uve bin robed by a black man.

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.”Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?” he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.”I was a good father,” he answers.”Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance.”St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, “Come on, Penny, let�s get out of here.”

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home
to Pittsburg. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass.
Well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. “Young lady,” he began, “I would like three pickets to titsburg…” Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached. “Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg,” he began, “and I would like the change in nipples and dimes.” So of course he also fled.

Then came the third. “Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say,” he continued, “if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger’s going to shake his peter at you!”

theres there hikers that go out in the woods then they run into some canables.”were scrued “. says the first guy “SLINCE” roors the king canable i will let you pass if you coplete this test
first you have to go out and find ten of the same fruit the first guy brings back ten apples now you have to shove them up your ass without any exprshen on your face
so he starts 12… on the 3rd one he wienced out in pain
so they killed him and ate him
then the second guy came with ten blueberrys and started 12345678.. on the 9th one he cracked up the two guys meet up in heaven “why did you start laghing you almost got away with it” “haha i saw bill coming with pinneapples!”

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, “You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you’d like to talk about or ask me?” “Well,” he said, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.” “That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?” “Yeah, and they’re in favour 17 to 2.”

One day a man walked into a church and began to pray. He asked GOD, “GOD, how what’s a million years to you?” GOD replies, “A second.” Then the man askes GOD another question, “GOD, what’s a million dollars to you?” GOD replies, “A penny.” Then the man asks another question. “GOD, can I have a penny?” GOD replies, “In a second!”

(If you can imagine a real mean cowboy accent, the effect of
this joke will be much better!)

A cowboy is traveling on his horse when he sees a bar. He
decides to stop for a few drinks, so he ties his horse outside
the bar, walks into the bar, sits right up at the counter and
orders a few beers. This cowboy is new in town, so he notices
some of the other bar patrons giving him funny looks, and he
suspects that they’ll try something funny, but he continues to
drink. When he’s satisfied, he pays for the beers and walks out
of the bar only to find his horse missing.

However, he keeps his cool, struts back into the bar, puts on a
really mean look and says, “Look, I don’t know what you asses
did to my horse out there…but I’m planning to make a move on
within the next FIVE minutes, and if my horse isn’t back where
it’s supposed to be by then, well…I’m gonna have to do here
what I did in Texas!” The cowboy sneers. “And I DON’T wanna do
what I did in Texas!”

The cowboy glares at everyone before returning to the counter
and ordering another couple of beers. The other customers seem a
bit shaken, and sure enough after 5 minutes, the cowboy walks
out and finds his horse tied where it was supposed to be.

Just as he’s about to leave, the bartender approaches him and
asks, “Just out of curiosity, partner. What was it you did in
Texas that you didn’t want to do here?” The cowboy turns to the
bartender, gives a lopsided grin and replies, “I had to walk
home!”

When I die I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather;
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I always try to count my blessings, but I am no good at fractions.

War decides not who is right, but who is left.