A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a priest. I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.”The priest replies, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.”The rabbi continues, “And look at this. Here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, “Aren’t you having any?” The rabbi replies, “No…I think I’ll wait for the police.”
Category: other
Heaven or Hell
A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside. She says to St. Peter, “What’s going on?”
He says, “That’s the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small hole drilled into their heads for their halos.”
She says, “Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I’d rather go to Hell.”
St. Peter says, “In Hell, you’ll be constantly raped and sodomized.”
She says, “That’s okay. I’ve already got holes for that.”
Christmas Present
Q. What does a black boy get for Christmas? A. Your Bike.
Trees
Person 1: Ask me if im a tree.
Person 2: Ok, are you a tree?
Person 1: No!
A Pirate
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says “Mr.Pirate did
you know that you have a steering wheel hanging from your
zipper?” Then the pirate says “Yeah……….It’s driving me
nuts”
The Pope and his chauffeur
The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a
limousine to the airport.
Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a
while.
Well, the chauffeur didn’t have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back
of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds onto HWY 95,
and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90
mph, and suddenly he sees the blue lights of
the State Police in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his
window.
The trooper, seeing who it was, says, “Just a moment please, I need to
call in.
” The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that
he’s got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how he should
handle it.
“It’s not Ted Kennedy again is it?” replies the chief.
“No Sir!” replied the trooper, “This guy’s more important.”
“Is it the Governor?” replied the chief.
“No! Even more important!” replies the trooper.
“Is it the PRESIDENT??? replied the chief.
“No! Even more important!” replies the trooper.
“Well WHO is it?” screams the chief.
“I don’t know Sir.” replies the trooper, but he’s got the Pope as his
chauffeur
Elmo Factory Worker
A woman desperately looking for work goes to the Tickle Me Elmo Factory. The
Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets that
he has no jobs worthy of her skills. The woman answers that she really needs
work and will take almost anything.
The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill
job on the “Tickle Me Elmo” assembly line. The woman happily accepts. He takes
her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in at 8:00
AM the next day. The next day at 8:45 there’s a knock at the Personnel Manager’s
door. The “Tickle Me Elmo” Assembly Line manager comes in and starts ranting
about the woman just hired. After listening to his screaming for 15 minutes
about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested
he show him the problem. Together they head down to the line and sure enough
Elmos are backed up from here to Kingdom Come. Right at the end of the line is
the woman he had hired. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and
has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric
and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo’s legs.
The Personnel Manager starts laughing hysterically and finally after several
minutes of rolling laughter he pulls himself together and walks over to the new
employee and says: “I’m sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I
wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles.”
Pope in the Limousine
The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn’t have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.The Pope proceeds to hop on Route 95 and starts accelerating to see what the limo could go. Well, he gets to about 90 miles per hour and,WHAM! There are the blue lights of our friendly State Police in his mirror.He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well, the trooper, seeing who it was, says “just a moment please I need to call in.”The trooper radio’s in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief “I’ve got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do.”The chief replies “Who is it, not Ted again ?”The trooper says, “No, even more important.”The chief replies, “It’s the Governor, isn’t it ?”The trooper replies “No, even more important.””It isn’t the President is it?””No, more important,” replies the trooper.”Well, WHO the HECK is it!”, screams the chief.”I don’t know” says the trooper. “But he’s got the Pope as a chauffeur!”
man and a boy
one day his boy came up to his man and took his dog the man
said why did u take my dog the boy said my daddy needs a bitch
Darkness robes
What do u call it when your tv is floting at night?
Uve bin robed by a black man.
Un d�a la maestra le
Un d�a la maestra le dice a los estudiantes: “Para ma�ana tienen que decirme cuales son sus dos colores favoritos”.
Entonces pepito piensa en el rojo y violeta y va por todo el camino a su casa: “rojo, violeta, rojo, violeta”. Se acuesta a dormir, “rojo y violeta”…
Al otro dia va camino a la escuela repitiendo “rojo y violeta”, finalmente llega al sal�n y la maestra pregunta: “Rosita, �cu�les son tus dos colores?”
Rosita contesta: “Amarillo y verde.”
La maestra pregunta: “Eliezer, �cu�les son tus dos colores?”
Eliezer contesta: “Anaranjado y verde.”
La maestra pregunta: “Juan, �cu�les son tus dos colores?”
juan, el negrito de la clase, contesta: “Rojo y violeta.”
Por fin la maestra le pregunta a Pepito: “�Y tus colores cu�les son?”
Y pepito furioso contesta: “Negro carb�n.”
Poodle meets Great D
Poodle meets greatdane at the vets. Great dane asks poodle what he was doing there. Poodle replies, I just can’t understand my master, for years I obeyed all his commands and even won blue ribbons at shows, I accidentally soiled the carpets and he sent me here to get the needle. Great dane replies, I’m here for almost simular reason. One evening I was laying on my masters bed and when she came out of the shower and bent over to dry herself I saw my chance and I wrapped my paws around her waist and just gave it to her. Poodle replies back, holy cow your going to get that needle before me! Great dane replied, your full of shit, she sent me here for a manicure.