Category: other

A group of Italians and a group of Poles heard that the telephone company was looking for people so they applied. The telephone company decided to give them a test before hiring Anyone so they sent the teams out to install telphone poles. At the end of the day they reported back on how they had done.

The Italian team had installed 10 telephone poles and the Polish team one. The Italians were hired.

The Polish team protested that the Italians had cheated because the Italians left most of the poles sticking out of the ground.

Pepito iba por la calle arrastrando con una cuerda a una rana aplastada. Lleg� hasta uno de esos locales de mala reputaci�n que tienen una luz roja en la entrada y llam� a la puerta. La Madame abri� la puerta y al ver al peque�o le pregunt� que quer�a. Pepito respondi� que quer�a hacerlo con una de las chicas del local y que ten�a suficiente dinero para pagar y que no se iba a ir hasta conseguirlo.

La Madame se lo pens� y decidi� que �por qu� no? y le dijo que pasase. Una vez dentro le invit� a elegir entre las chicas la que m�s le gustase. �l pregunt� si alguna de las chicas ten�a alguna enfermedad y, por supuesto, la Madame respondi� que no. Pero Pepito hab�a o�do a los hombres del pueblo decir que hab�an tenido que ir al hospital a recibir tratamiento despu�s de haberlo hecho con Marlene y ESA era la chica que quer�a.

Como el ni�o estaba tan empe�ado y ten�a dinero, la mujer le dijo que Marlene estaba subiendo la escalera en la primera habitaci�n a la derecha. Siguiendo las instrucciones, Pepito subi� por las escaleras arrastrando la rana aplastada. A los diez minutos baja por las escaleras, sigue arrastrando la rana, paga a la due�a del burdel y se dirige hacia la salida. Intrigada, la due�a le pregunta:

“�Por qu� has elegido a la �nica chica que ten�a en el local con una enfermedad, en vez de cualquiera de las otras?”

“Bueno, esta noche cuando llegue a casa, mis padres van a salir a cenar y me van a dejar con la ni�era. Cuando se hayan ido lo voy a hacer con la ni�era, a la que le gustan mucho los jovencitos; ella se contagiar� con la enfermedad que yo acabo de agarrar. Cuando vuelvan mis padres, pap� llevar� a la ni�era a su casa y en el camino se la cepillar� y pillar� la enfermedad. Cuando pap� vuelva de llevar a la ni�era, �l y mam� se acostar�n; lo har�n y ella se contagiar�. Por la ma�ana, cuando pap� se vaya al trabajo, el cartero traer� el correo y se echar� un rapid�n con mam� y tambi�n lo contagiar�… �Y ESE es el HIJO DE PUTA que atropell� a mi RANA, y me lo quiero CHINGAR!”

Michael Jackson, late for court again today, you know, because of his bad back.

Well, you’d have a bad back too if every conversation you had in your life involved having to bend over and ask, “What’s your name?” –Jay Leno

Una vez estaba Pepito con su pap� en la sala y le dice:

“Oye pap�, tengo una duda.”

“�Cu�l es tu duda hijo?, cu�ntame.”

“Yo estaba leyendo una revista de las que tienes bajo tu cama y no entend� una palabra.”

“�Qu� palabra era, hijo?

“Cl�toris, �qu� es eso pap�?”

“Pues la verdad, hijo, que no me recuerdo, pero anoche la ten�a en la punta de la lengua.”

In World War II, an English reporter who had heard so much about the
bravery and elan of the Gurkhas visited a camp just in front of the
enemy lines (Germans). During the course of his reporting, he had
occasion to observe a mission being conducted.

The mission was to airdrop a bunch of soldiers behind enemy lines to
conduct some relatively light action. He watched the commander of the
Gurkhas (a British soldier) pitch the mission and then ask for
volunteers. To his surprise, only about half the Gurkhas volunteered
and were sent off.

Throughly disillusioned with the legends of Gurkha bravery, the
reporter went back home. After the war, he happened to run into a
Gurkha who had been there, and asked him why half the troops had failed
to volunteer. It turned out that none of the squad, both those who
volunteered and those who did not, were aware that they would get a
parachute for the drop. Hence the low turnout.

Una chava lleva a su casa a un chavo; se meten a su rec�mara e inmediatamente ella le sugiere que hagan el 69.

“�Qu� diablos es eso?”, le pregunta el chavo.

La chava, al darse cuenta de que �l no tiene experiencia le explica:

“Yo pongo mi cabeza entre tus piernas y t� pones la tuya entre las m�as”.

Y sin saber a�n de qu� estaba hablando ella, pero por no querer arruinar el momento, el chavo dice que s�. En el preciso instante en que los dos realizaban la posici�n, la chava se avent� un demoledor y apestoso pedo.

El chavo, tosiendo y arrastr�ndose como puede, se tira a un lado de la cama. La chava, apenada, le dice que la disculpe, que no volvera a pasar y nuevamente retoman la posici�n de ataque y cuando apenas iban a comenzar, otro pedo nauseabundo se le escapa a la chava.

El chavo se levanta sin decir nada, a�n haciendo bizcos, y comienza a vestirse.

“�Qu� te pasa, por qu� te vas?”

“�Si t� piensas que me voy a fletar los otros 67 est�s bien loca!”

60% of all Orientals have cataracts; the other 40 percent drive Lincoln Continentals.

Confucius says…
Man who keep feet firmly on ground have
trouble putting on pants.

Confucius says…
If you want pretty nurse, you got to be
patient.

Confucius says…
Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to
undoing of fly.

Confucius says…
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Confucius says…
Couple on 7 day honeymoon make whole week.

Confucius says…
Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg not find
nuts.

Confucius says…
Rape impossible. Woman run faster with skirt
up, than Man with pants down.

Confucius says…
He who run behind bus get exhausted.

Confucius says…
Man with tight trousers is pressing his
luck.

Confucius says…
He who fishes in others’ holes often catches
crabs.

A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his guide dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light.

First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them.

After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the guide dog.

At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck.

The blind man responded: “I’m not rewarding him, I’m just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him in the ass.”

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, “I had an affair with a woman – almost.”

The priest says, “What do you mean, ‘almost’?”
The man says, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”

The priest replies, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”

The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”

The man replied, “Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!”

After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes and then the mechanics read and correct the problem. They then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as submitted by QANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.

S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.

S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.

S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. No’s 1, 3, and 4 propellers lack normal

seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That’s what they’re there for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside. She says to St. Peter, “What’s going on?”

He says, “That’s the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small hole drilled into their heads for their halos.”

She says, “Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I’d rather go to Hell.”

St. Peter says, “In Hell, you’ll be constantly raped and sodomized.”

She says, “That’s okay. I’ve already got holes for that.”