Category: other

Estaba el expresidente de M�xico Salinas de Gortari con su chofer paseando en su auto a toda velocidad, cruzando el campo, cuando de pronto �zas!, atropellan a un puerquito:

“�Qu� hacemos?”, pregunt� el chofer.

“Anda, busca al due�o del cerdo, expl�cale el accidente y dale un dinero a cambio”, respondi� el expresidente.

As�, pasaron una, dos, tres horas… Al cabo de 6 horas, se aparece el chofer, totalmente despeinado, con la camisa fuera:

“�Que pas�?”, pregunta Salinas.

“Me demor� porque el due�o del cerdo me invit� a comer, despu�s la mujer me regal� estos puros, y un rico vino, y adem�s hice apasionadamente el amor con su hermosa hija de 17 a�os.”

“Increible, �c�mo hiciste?”

“Fue f�cil”, responde el chofer, “lo �nico que dije fue: Hola, soy el chofer de Salinas de Gortari y acabo de matar al cerdo.”

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a blood thirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, “Oh God, I’m doomed!”

There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: “No my son, you are NOT doomed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.”

So the explorer picks up the stone and attacks the chief, feverishly bashing at his head with all his strength. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again: “Okay . . . . NOW you’re doomed.”

The curator of a Western art museum commissioned a local artist to paint a mural-sized painting of Custer’s Last Thought. The artist was told to make it highly symbolic of Custer’s mindset during the debacle at Little Big Horn. Deep in thought, the artist went to her studio. After many false starts, she proceeded to paint an enormous oil painting.

Finally, after many months of work, the painting was unveiled for the curator. In the foreground, a beautiful crystalline blue lake with a single fish leaping. Around the fish’s head is a halo. In the background, the hills and meadows are covered with naked Native American couples copulating.

The curator is both disgusted and baffled by what he sees. In a rage he turns to the artist and asks, “What the hell has this got to do with Custer’s Last Thought?”

The artist replied, “Custer’s Last Thought had to have been: ‘Holy Mackerel! Where did all these fucking Indians come from?'”

As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realised that one of his recruits had gone AWOL, so a search party was dispatched immediately.After a few hours, the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes nearby. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor’s office.The instructor asked the young recruit, “Why did you go AWOL?”The recruit replied, “On my first day here, you issued me a comb and then proceeded to cut my hair off. On the second day, you issued me a toothbrush and then sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull out some of my teeth. Finally, on the third day, you issued me a jock strap… and I wasn’t about to wait around to find out what would follow that, Sir.”

A group of Italians and a group of Poles heard that the telephone company was looking for people so they applied. The telephone company decided to give them a test before hiring Anyone so they sent the teams out to install telphone poles. At the end of the day they reported back on how they had done.

The Italian team had installed 10 telephone poles and the Polish team one. The Italians were hired.

The Polish team protested that the Italians had cheated because the Italians left most of the poles sticking out of the ground.

Pepito iba por la calle arrastrando con una cuerda a una rana aplastada. Lleg� hasta uno de esos locales de mala reputaci�n que tienen una luz roja en la entrada y llam� a la puerta. La Madame abri� la puerta y al ver al peque�o le pregunt� que quer�a. Pepito respondi� que quer�a hacerlo con una de las chicas del local y que ten�a suficiente dinero para pagar y que no se iba a ir hasta conseguirlo.

La Madame se lo pens� y decidi� que �por qu� no? y le dijo que pasase. Una vez dentro le invit� a elegir entre las chicas la que m�s le gustase. �l pregunt� si alguna de las chicas ten�a alguna enfermedad y, por supuesto, la Madame respondi� que no. Pero Pepito hab�a o�do a los hombres del pueblo decir que hab�an tenido que ir al hospital a recibir tratamiento despu�s de haberlo hecho con Marlene y ESA era la chica que quer�a.

Como el ni�o estaba tan empe�ado y ten�a dinero, la mujer le dijo que Marlene estaba subiendo la escalera en la primera habitaci�n a la derecha. Siguiendo las instrucciones, Pepito subi� por las escaleras arrastrando la rana aplastada. A los diez minutos baja por las escaleras, sigue arrastrando la rana, paga a la due�a del burdel y se dirige hacia la salida. Intrigada, la due�a le pregunta:

“�Por qu� has elegido a la �nica chica que ten�a en el local con una enfermedad, en vez de cualquiera de las otras?”

“Bueno, esta noche cuando llegue a casa, mis padres van a salir a cenar y me van a dejar con la ni�era. Cuando se hayan ido lo voy a hacer con la ni�era, a la que le gustan mucho los jovencitos; ella se contagiar� con la enfermedad que yo acabo de agarrar. Cuando vuelvan mis padres, pap� llevar� a la ni�era a su casa y en el camino se la cepillar� y pillar� la enfermedad. Cuando pap� vuelva de llevar a la ni�era, �l y mam� se acostar�n; lo har�n y ella se contagiar�. Por la ma�ana, cuando pap� se vaya al trabajo, el cartero traer� el correo y se echar� un rapid�n con mam� y tambi�n lo contagiar�… �Y ESE es el HIJO DE PUTA que atropell� a mi RANA, y me lo quiero CHINGAR!”

Tres octogenarios se ponen a comentar todo lo que hacen para tratar de dormir de noche, ya que cada vez les cuesta m�s trabajo hacerlo.

El primero declara que se queda escuchando radio toda la noche porque no puede agarrar el sue�o.

El segundo tampoco puede dormir, por lo que toda la noche la pasa leyendo.

El tercero dice que �l no tiene problemas y que duerme toda la noche.

Intrigados, los otros dos le preguntan que c�mo le hace.

El vetusto les responde que todas las noches se masturba.

“�Y acabas?”, le cuestionan asombrados.

“No, pero me canso y me duermo”.

A commercial traveler was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down.

There was a cottage nearby so he went up to it and knocked on the door.

The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander. “My car has conked out,” said the traveler, “Where can I spend the night?”

“Why, right here of course!” said the Scot, “Come in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality.”

The traveler duly entered the humble but cozy residence.

“Jeannie,” shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared. “Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality.”

The traveler was soon tucking into an appetizing meal, and he saw that the girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the guest.

“And now,” said the Highlander, “I’m afraid I must go out and milk the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world famous Highland hospitality.”

No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveler set about seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he had her on floor and was on the job. Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander.

He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage. He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to his wrath.

“After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality,” he roared, “Arch your back, woman, and take the poor man’s balls off the cold floor.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

a robber whas running from the cops so he ran into a church and he seen a preist and he shot
the preist moments later the cops shot the robber but ther whas a mix up the preist went to hell and the robber went to heaven then the mistack was cleard and when they swiched the preist said to the robber i can’t wate to meet the vigin mary then the robber replide
she’s not a virgin any more.

I know I haven’t known you for a very long time and I shouldn’t be asking you for this so soon, but I need it very badly.

I haven’t had it for a long time and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.

If you would do this for me, no one would ever know.

I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I’d be very grateful if you would.

I am very desperate and I need your help. You must think I have a lot of nerve, but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juice until it’s very dry.

It has been on my mind all day and I’m not going to beat around the bush anymore…

Do you have a piece of gum?

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by BreeBrown

Boss: I notice you go out and get your hair cut during business hours.Employee: My hair grows during business hours.Boss: But it doesn’t all grow during business hours.Employee: I didn’t get it all cut.

A polish guy wins a brand new sports car in a contest. He drives around all the time waving at the rednecks.

One day the rednecks stop him, they draw a circle in the dirt and say “If you step out of that circle, we will kick your ass.” They pick up hammers and start busting up his new car. They look back and the is smiling. They hit the car some more, and he is laughing.

They walk over to him and ask “Why are you laughing, we just busted up your car.”

He says “I know, but I stepped out of the circle 9 times.”