Category: other

A man and a woman are having sex, the man on bottom the woman on top.

My question to you: Is this the one time the woman does not mind the man fucking-up?

Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope,placing the receptor on the dog’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, but your dog has passed away.” “What?” screamed the man.”How can you tell? You haven’t done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!” With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly with his nose. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, “Bark” (meaning “dead as a doornail”). The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also carefully sniffed out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, “Meow” (meaning “he’s history”). He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room. The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog’s owner went berserk.”$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!” The vet shook his head sadly and explained.”If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan…”

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my
three-year-old
came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower.
She said, Mommy, you are getting fat!” I replied, “Yes, honey,
remember
Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.”

“I know,” she replied, “but what is growing in your butt?”

THE CHEMIST’S SONGSung to the tune of Monty Python’s “I’m a Lumberjack and I’m Okay.” CHEMIST CHORUSI’m in chemistry and I’m okay, He’s in chemistry and he’s okay, I sleep al night and I work all day. He sleeps all night and he works all day. I clean my flasks, I read my JACS, He cleans his flasks, he reads his JACS, I do reactions well. He does reactions well. Someday I’ll be unlucky Some day we’ll all be lucky And blow my self to Hell. And watch him blown to Hell.I’m in chemistry and I’m okay, He’s in chemistry and he’s okay, I prowl the library all day. He prowls the library all day. The articles that I could use The articles that he could use Are gone when they’re in need. Are gone when they’re in need. If I were a bookbinder, If he were a bookbinder, I’d have them all to read! He’d have to learn to read.I’m in chemistry and I’m okay, He’s in chemistry and he’s okay, I sleep all night and I sleep all day. He sleeps all night and he sleeps all day. I like my work, I like my profs, He hates his work, he hates his profs, I go to seminars. He sleeps through seminars. When I do any research The Boss can take his research I just wind up with tars. And shove it up his arse.I’m in chemistry and I’m okay, He’s in chemistry and he’s okay, I work all night and I work all day. He works all night and he works all day. I rotovap, distill it off, He rotovaps, distills it off, Do chromatography. Does chromatography. I think that by tomorrow We think that by tomorrow I’ll have some THC. He’ll have some LSD.I’m in chemistry and I’m okay, He’s in chemistry and he’s okay, I work all night and I sleep all day. He works all night and he sleeps all day. I do my work, I teach a class, He does his work, he teaches class, I earn another buck. He earns another buck. There’s one girl in my section There’s one girl in his section I’d surely like to fail. He’s never gonna fail.I’m in chemistry and I’m okay, He’s in chemistry and he’s okay, I sleep all night and I work all day. He sleeps all night and he works all day. I used up all the ethanol, He used up all the ethanol, I don’t know where it went. He don’t know where it went. Now I can’t work for six weeks, Now he can’t work for six weeks, The stockroom’s closed for Lent. He’s drying out in Trent.I’m in chemistry and I’m okay, He’s in chemistry and he’s okay, I work all night and I sleep all day. He works all night and he sleeps all day. I make bad smells, I produce tar, He makes bad smells, produces tar, I spend the bosses grant. And spends the boss’s grant. I tell him I’ll make progress He tells him he’ll make progress And work so hard I’ll pant. Although he really can’t.I’m in chemistry and I’m okay, He’s in chemistry and he’s okay, I sleep all night and I sleep all day. He sleeps all night and he sleeps al day. I work with nasty chemicals, He works with nasty chemicals They really make a stink. That really make a stink. I use the waste containers To clear a room is easy, And never use the sink. He pours them down a sink.I’m in chemistry and I’m okay, He’s in chemistry and he’s okay, I phone all night and I phone all day. He phones all night and he phones all day. I buy up stocks, invest in bonds, He buys up stocks, invests in bonds, And sell commodities. And sells commodities. And when the Market’s slumping, And when the Market’s slumping, I live in poverty! He does his chemistry!

Man says to woman “all i want 4 christmas is u!!” woman says 2 man “Its easter and ur brother already asked me 2 lay some eggs!” BY OLI MANOOCHEHRI

One Day I Was Walking Down The Isle At The Grocery Store And I Tripped And Fell And Said “Damn”…hahahahahhaha

How was copper wire invented? 2 Jews fighting over a penny!

1. You never need to worry about finding a quiet place to read.

2. Yes, people may be shouting insults at you behind your back,
but who cares?

3. You can communicate efficiently with Italians.

Brother John entered the ‘Monastery of Silence’ and the chief monk said, “Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.”

Brother John lived in the monastery for 5 years before the chief monk said to him: “Brother John, you have been here 5 years now, you may speak two words.”

Brother John said, “Hard Bed.”

“I’m sorry to hear that” the chief monk said. “We will get you a better bed.”

After another 5 years, Brother John was called by the chief monk.

“You may say another two words Brother John.”

“Cold Food,” said Brother John, and the chief monk assured him that the food would be better in the future.

On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the chief monk again called Brother John into his office.

“What are your two words you want to say today.”

“I Quit.” said Brother John.

“I’m not surprised,” said the chief monk. “You’ve done nothing but whine and complain since you got here.”

Dos mujeres, de esas que los esposos no las sacan nunca, se pusieron de acuerdo para salir una noche a echar broma. Total que se fueron a un bar, se tomaron como diez cervezas cada una, y como a las 12 de la noche se regresaron.

En el camino una dice: “Cono, me estoy orinando. P�rate por aqu�, por favor.”

La tipa se para, con tan mala suerte que estan al lado de un cementerio. La que se estaba orinando se baja y se pone a orinar en una tumba, pero le da tanto miedo que en lo que termina sale apurada y deja las pantaletas.

Cuando llega, la otra le dice: “Ahora tengo que ir yo a orinar, porque de esperarte me dieron ganas a mi tambien.”

La tipa se baja, se sienta a orinar en otra tumba, y del miedo cuando termina se pone r�pido todo y deja tambien las pantaletas.

Las tipas llegan a la casa y se acuestan. Al otro d�a, se encuentran los esposos de las mujeres, y uno le dice: “No s� tu mujer, pero imaginate la parranda que se echaron, que mi mujer lleg� anoche sin pantaletas a la casa.”

Y el otro dice:

“No joda, chico, eso no es nada. La m�a lleg� anoche sin pantaletas y con una cinta morada en el culo que dec�a: Recuerdo de todos tus amigos…”

Fred was saying his prayers as his father passed by his bedroom door. “God
bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and please make Calais the capital of France.”
“Fred,” said his father, “why do you want Calais to be the capital of France?”
“Because that’s what I wrote in my geography test!”

Subject: Going Toastal — a tale for the dilbert age Day 1: My boss, an engineer from the pre-CAD days, has successfully brought a generation of products from Acme Toaster Corp’s engineering labs to market. Bob is a wonder of mechanical ingenuity. All of us in the design department have the utmost respect for him, so I was honored when he appointed me the lead designer on the new Acme 2000 Toaster.Day 6: We met with the president, head of sales, and the marketing vice president today to hammer out the project’s requirements and specifications. Here at Acme, our market share is eroding to low-cost imports. We agreed to meet a cost of goods of $9.50 (100,000). I’ve identified the critical issue in the new design: a replacement for the timing spring we’ve used since the original 1922 model. Research with the focus groups shows that consumers set high expectations for their breakfast foods. Cafe latte from Starbuck’s goes best with a precise level of toastal browning. The Acme 2000 will give our customers the breakfast experience they desire. I estimated a design budget of $21,590 for this project and final delivery in seven weeks. I’ll need one assistant designer to help with the drawing packages. This is my first chance to supervise!Day 23: We’ve found the ideal spring material. Best of all, it’s a well-proven technology. Our projected cost of goods is almost $1.50 lower than our goal. Our rough prototype, which was completed just 12 days after we started, has been servicing the employee cafeteria for a week without a single hiccup. Toastal quality exceeds projections.Day 24: A major aerospace company that had run out of defense contractors to acquire has just snapped up that block of Acme stock sold to the Mac-kenzie family in the ’50s. At a companywide meeting, corporate assured us that this sale was only an investment and that nothing will change.Day 30: I showed the Acme 2000’s exquisitely crafted toastal-timing mechanism to Ms Primrose, the new engineering auditor. The single spring and four interlocking lever arms are things of beauty to me.Day 36: The design is complete. We’re starting a prototype run of 500 toasters tomorrow. I’m starting to wrap up the engineering effort. My new assistant did a wonderful job.Day 38: Suddenly, a major snag happened. Bob called me into his office. He seemed very uneasy as he informed me that those on high feel that the Acme 2000 is obsolete–something about using springs in the silicon age. I reminded Bob that the consultants had looked at using a microprocessor but figured that an electronic design would exceed our cost target by almost 50% with no real benefit in terms of toastal quality. ‘With a computer, our customers can load the bread the night before, program a finish time, and get a perfect slice of toast when they awaken,’ Bob intoned, as if reading from a script.Day 48: Chuck Compguy, the new microprocessor whiz, scrapped my idea of using a dedicated 4-bit CPU. ‘We need some horsepower if we’re gonna program this puppy in C,’ he said, while I stared fascinated at the old crumbs stuck in his wild beard. ‘Time-to-market, you know. Delivery is due in three months. We’ll just pop this cool new 8-bitter I found into it, whip up some code, and ship to the end user.’Day 120: The good news is that I’m getting to stretch my mechanical-design abilities. Chuck convinced management that the old spring-loaded, press-down lever control is obsolete. I’ve designed a ‘motorized insertion port,’ stealing ideas from a CD-ROM drive. Three cross-coupled, safety-interlock microswitches ensure that the heaters won’t come on unless users properly insert the toast. We’re seeing some reliability problems due to the temperature extremes, but I’m sure we can work those out.Day 132: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months. We’ve replaced the 8-bitter with a Harvard- architecture, 16-bit, 3-MIPS CPU.Day 172: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months.Day 194: The auditors convinced management we really need a graphical user interface with a full-screen LCD. ‘You’re gonna need some horsepower to drive that,’ Chuck warned us. ‘I recommend a 386 with a half-meg of RAM.’ He went back to design Revision J of the pc board.Day 268: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months. We’ve cured most of the electronics’ temperature problems with a pair of fans, though management is complaining about the noise. Bob sits in his office all day, door locked, drinking Jack Daniels. Like clockwork, his wife calls every night around midnight, sobbing. I’m worried about him and mentioned my concern to Chuck. ‘Wife?’ he asked. ‘Wife? Yeah, I think I’ve got one of those and two or three kids, too. Now, let’s just stick another meg of RAM in here, OK?’Day 290: We gave up on the custom GUI and are now installing Windows CE. The auditors applauded Chuck’s plan to upgrade to a Pentium with 32 Mbytes of RAM. There’s still no functioning code, but the toaster is genuinely impressive. Four circuit boards, bundles of cables, and a gigabit of hard-disk space. ‘This sucker has more computer power than the entire world did 20 years ago,’ Chuck boasted proudly.Day 384: Toastal quality is sub-par. The addition of two more cooling fans keeps the electronics to a reasonable temperature but removes too much heat from the toast. I’m struggling with baffles to vector the air, but the thrust of all these fans spins the toaster around.