Category: other

Forget the meaning of life…we’re stuck on these questions!:

Do pediatricians play minature golf on Wednesdays?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If all the world’s a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one syncronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

What is very very flat?

A white womans ass.

What goes in hard and dry and comes out wet and soft? Chewing gum

Element name: Woman.

Symbol: W0.

Atomic Weight: Don’t even go there.

Physical Properties: Generally round in form, boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income-reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element Name: Man.

Symbol: XY.

Atomic Weight: 150 kg plus or minus 50 kg.

Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find pure sample. Due to rust, ageing samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of W0, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.

As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man’s cane slips on the floor and he falls down.

As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, “If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn’t slip.”

The old man snaps back, “Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today!”

Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb? A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

The Shortest Books Ever Written.

1000 Years of German Humor

Everything Men Know About Women

The Code of Ethics for Lawyers

Italian War Heroes

Who’s who in Puerto Rico

Americans’ Guide to Etiquette

Royal Family’s Guide to Good Marriages

Safe Places to Travel in the USA

Jerry Garcia’s Guide to Beating Drug Addiction

Contraception by Pope John Paul II

Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors

Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu

Gun Control for The New Millenium: NRA Handbook

Submitted by Tbone
Edited by Curtis

Always on the lookout for a bargain, I was dining out and came across a menu
entree “T-Bone* $4.25”. I inquired of the waiter how they could sell a dinner at
that price. He advised me to check the bottom of the menu. Next to the “*” was
“with meat, $14.95”

This Jewish father wants to send his kid to school, but is not sure where to send him to. Finally he just looks at the brochure from Catholic school and thinks that since it’s priced reasonable and sounds like a nice place all together, he’ll try him over there. His kid goes to school the first semester and comes home with a report card. His father takes a look, turns to his son and says: -“A plus in math??? How in the hell did you pull that off since that’s your worse subject?”” Well father, the first day I walked into my math class and saw a guy hanging on a wall nailed to the plus sign – I knew they weren’t mucking around!”

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics.Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. He said, “I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing ‘Shell’ sign. And somebody was standing in front of the ‘S.'”

Estaban tres borrachos conversando y uno le dice al otro:

“Oye.. �para ti qu� es m�s r�pido?

Uno de los otros dos borrachos le contesta: “Para m� lo m�s r�pido es el rayo porque medio cae y ya est� el rayo”

El otro borracho dice: “Para m� la luz porque medio prendes el foco y ya est� la luz”

Entonces los dos borrachos le preguntan al primero: “�Y para ti?” “�Para m� lo m�s r�pido es la diarrea, por que el otro dia me levante como un rayo, prend� el foco y ya estaba cagado…”

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”

Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. “

“Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government.

We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people.”

“The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future.

Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now.”

The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”

The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing, hottrouble1 and curtis