Category: other

Tres negros en la c�rcel de Sud�frica (antes de Mandela). Uno le comenta a otro:

“�Cuantos a�os te han echado?”

“7 a�os”.

“�Por qu�?”

“Iba andando por la calle, cuando decid� cruzar al otro lado, me atropell� un coche de un blanco, y le atraves� la luna delantera”.

“�De qu� te acusaron?”

“Allanamiento de morada. �Y a ti?”

“Me han echado 15 a�os por una cosa parecida a la tuya”.

“�Cu�l?”

“Iba caminando por una calle; cuando decid� cruzarla, me atropell� un coche de un blanco, le atraves� la luna delantera y la trasera”.

“�Y de que te acusaron?”

“Allanamiento de morada e intento de fuga”.

El tercer negro interviene: “Pues a m� me han echado 25 a�os tambi�n por una cosa parecida”.

“�Cu�l?”

“Iba por la calle; cuando decid� cruzarla, me atropell� el coche de un blanco, entr� por la luna delantera, sal� por la trasera y despu�s el blanco se baj� del coche y me clav� un hacha en el pecho”.

“�Y de qu� te acusaron?”

“Allanamiento de morada, intento de fuga y tenencia il�cita de armas”.

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Hab�a un hombre tirado en el piso durmiendo a ra�z de tremenda borrachera. De repente pasa un vago de aquellos y, aprovech�ndose de su condici�n, se lo coge, pero como recompensa le deja un billete. Al d�a siguiente, el borracho se despierta y �milagro! ve el billete tirado a su lado. Lo toma sin explicarse de donde sali� y se va al bar. Cuando llega al bar dice: “deme 5 vasos de vino blanco.”

Tras otra borrachera se queda otra vez dormido en la calle, vuelve a pasar por ah� el vago y se lo vuelve a coger. El borracho despierta, ve otro billete, va al bar y pide nuevamente 5 vasos de vino blanco. Como era de esperarse, se repite otra vez la historia, y el borrach�n amanece por tercera vez con un billete a su lado.

Se dirige al bar y el cantinero en cuanto lo ve llegar le dice: “S�, ya s�, 5 vasos de vino blanco.” El borracho le responde: “�No, esta vez que sea tinto porque el blanco rompe mucho el culo!

You have “mint” breath.
Mint to brush your teeth and forgot!

Why did the [ethnic], want to trade his wife for an outhouse?

– The hole was smaller and it didn’t stink as bad!

One day there was a knock on the Pope’s office door.

When he answered it, the salesman said, “Hello, my management team would like to discuss a proposal with you.” After taking a seat in his office, the salesman said, “I am with Kentucky Fried Chicken. We would like to offer you a contract to the church if you can change the Lord’s blessing from ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘daily chicken’.”

The Pope said, “I’m sorry we just cannot do that.” The salesman went back to his office where he discussed the outcome of the meeting.

He returned to the Pope’s office a week later with the same proposal, only he had upped the bid to 4 million. The Pope gently declined, again.

The next week he came again and offered the Pope an offering of 10 million.

The Pope said, “Let me think it over.”

The Pope then called a meeting with the elders of the church and said, “Well gentlemen, I have good news and bad news. Kentucky Fried Chicken has generously offered us 10 million dollars to change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘daily bread’ to ‘daily chicken’. The bad new is that we will lose the Wonder Bread Contract.

There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population and young George was pretty excited.”Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?” asked George.”George, relax. Here is how it works. We’ll wait until they’re lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion.” said Sam.”Okay, I can do that.” George answered.Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there but Sam had a few more instructions.”Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I’ll start at one end and you can start at the other. We’ll meet in the middle” said Sam.”OK, OK, let’s go!” said George.”Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?” said Sam.”Sure” says George. Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up.George starts at one end and Sam at the other.George is pretty excited, but he remembers Sam’s instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to say- “Thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am, Oops! Sorry Sam, thank you ma’am.”

“�Ma�ana los quiero a todos aqu� a las 6:00 A.M. sin pretextos!” les decia el general del 4o regimiento de caballer�a a sus soldados.

Al d�a siguiente, a la hora se�alada, �no hab�a llegado nadie! El general estaba furioso, cuando ve que viene uno de sus soldados a pie.

“�Qu� le paso?, �les dije que a las 6:00!”

“S�, mi general, pero ven�a en mi caballo y que mete la pata en un pozo y se le quebr� la pata, y no me qued� m�s remedio que matarlo y dejarlo en el camino y venirme a pie.”

“�Ah, caray! No, pos p�sele.”

Otro soldado que ven�a atr�s escuch� el pretexto del caballo y cuando llega con el general:

“F�jese mi general que yo ven�a en mi caballo, pero lo mordi� una v�bora y se me muri� en el camino y yo me vine a pie.”

Otro soldado: “Fijese mi general que ven�a en mi yegua y se puso a dar a luz y la dej� en el camino y me tuve que venir caminando.”

Y todos los soldados que llegaban daban el pretexto del caballo, y el general m�s se iba encabronando.

“�A ver usted!, �por qu� lleg� tarde?”

“F�jese mi general, que ven�a en mi caballo, y que le da la encefalitis equina, y se me muere en el camino y me tuve que venir a pie.”

“�Me lleva la chingada! �Pr�ximo cabr�n que me salga conque le pas� algo a su caballo, lo mando fusilar!”

En eso llega el soldado Pepito.

“�Usted!, soldado Pepito, �por qu� llega tarde? �No vaya a salir con el pretexto del caballo!”

“No, mi general, yo ven�a a toda a madre en mi camioneta, pero el camino estaba hasta la chingada de caballos muertos, y no pude pasar, as� que dej� la camioneta y me vine a pie!”

Un caballo entra a una cantina y pide un tequila doble; se lo toma y se va. Del otro lado de la cantina est�n dos borrachos. Asombrado, uno de ellos le pregunta al otro:

“�Notaste algo raro?”

“Creo que s�”, contesta confundido el compa�ero.

“�Y qu� fue?”

“No pago”.

No hay placer m�s singular
que el de despu�s de cagar:
con un cigarrillo encendido
el culo queda agradecido
y la mierda en su lugar.

En este mundo matraca
caga el rey, caga el Papa;
y de cagar nadie se escapa
pues hasta la mujer m�s guapa
tira bolas de caca.

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy
trying to press the doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is
very small, and the doorbell is placed at normal adult height, and the little
fellow just can’t reach. After watching the boy’s sorry efforts for some time as
he moves closer to the boy’s position, the priest steps smartly across the
street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing one hand kindly on the
child’s shoulder, leans over the boy and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks,
“And now what, my little man?”

To which the urchin replies, “Now we run like Hell!”

Forget the meaning of life…we’re stuck on these questions!:

Do pediatricians play minature golf on Wednesdays?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If all the world’s a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one syncronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?