Category: other

A lady went into a store and told the clerk that she wanted to
return a blender for refund because it didn’t work. The clerk
told her that he couldn’t give her a refund because she bought
it on special. All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and
yelled, “Grab my tits! Grab my tits!”

The clerk didn’t know what to do, so he called the store manager
who asked her if he can help. She explained that she wanted to
return the broken blender for refund. He told her that he would
not give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special.
Once again she screams: “Grab my tits! Ohhh, grab my tits!”

The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling
that particular phrase. She replied, “Because I like my tits
grabbed when I’m getting screwed up the ass!”

1. Understand that we don’t give a shit about clothes. Yours or
ours. All we need is one pair of work shoes and one pair of
church shoes.

2. Don’t talk to us when the television is on. Very simple.
Television off, we talk. Television on, we don’t talk.

3. Ditto that for the computer.

4. If you can’t be bothered to take an interest in what we like
to do, don’t expect us to give a rat’s ass about what you want
to do.

5. Don’t ask us how many other women we’ve slept with. You don’t
want to know.

6. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking. Men can think about nothing
for hours.

7. Don’t tell us how many other men you have slept with.

8. Don’t try and be subtle, just say what’s on your mind and be
honest.

9. Stop bitching about us leaving the seat up, ok? Is ANYTHING
involving the bathroom important enough to argue over? No.

10. Men are stupid. We do stupid things. This will never change,
so don’t try to force it, just learn to live with it.

11. Not all men like sports and cars.

12. A lot more men than you might believe think that Pamela
Anderson is a nasty ho.

13. There is nothing wrong with your breasts. We love ALL
breasts, including yours.

14. Don’t ask a guy to go down on you unless you would do the
same for him.

15. Slap your husband/boyfriend if he keeps bugging you about
having a threesome with a friend of yours. Shitbags like that
give the rest of us a bad name.

16. Don’t ask us what we think about other women unless you
REALLY want to know.

17. Don’t try to get us to set our best friends up with your
overweight girlfriend. He wouldn’t do it to me, and I won’t do
it to him.

18. Don’t try and find answers to what men want in magazines
like Cosmo, just ask us.

19. Don’t be surprised if we don’t know what we want.

20. Don’t try and tell us what we want.

21. If you wouldn’t watch the action movie with us, then don’t
ask us to go to the chick flick with you.

There was once an old man and a parrot living all alone together for like 40 years. One day, the parrot came to the old man and said,” ya know, I’ve never had a woman in my life.” So the old man, as a favour to his best friend, went to the pet store and talked the owner into letting him use a female parrot for one night for the fee of 40 dollars. He took the female home, put it into the cage with his parrot, covered the cage and went to bed. He was awoken in the middle of the night to the female parrot screaming she was being killed. He ran out and pulled the cover off the cage. There he saw his male parrot ripping all the feathers off of the female. “What are you doing?” the old man screamed. The parrot replied, “Are you kidding, for 40 dollars, I at least want the bitch naked!!”

It’s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo.

She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes crazy.

He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand.

He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.

The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.

She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. “Now try lifting your dress up your thighs.”

This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, “Now, tell HIM you have a headache.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening as they have done for the past 35 years. Max, the older, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife. At the end of the card game Ed said to Max, “You did very good tonight. You didn’t need any help at all. Why is that?”

Max replied, “Why ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven’t had any problems at all.”

“Memory school? What memory school?”

Max thought for a moment, “Oh, what’s that flower that’s red with thorns? A really pretty flower…?”

“A rose?”

“Yeah…that’s it!”

Max turned to his wife and mumbled, “Hey, Rose! What’s the name of that memory school you sent me to?”

god exist

(this joke may take a while, but trust me it’s really funny)

Cows *say cow befor every word
About *say cow after every word
Talking *say cow befor and after every
word
every
Idiot
This *now read from the bottom up^
Got
I
Long
How
Look

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead.”

Waiter to customer: “Our specialty is snails.”

“I know. One of them served me the last time I was here!”

Esta era una vez una fiesta de puntos, y �stos estaban bien entrados bailando y chupando. En eso, tocan a la puerta. El punto due�o de la casa corre a abrir y cu�l fue su sorpresa al ver que qui�n llamaba era un asterisco. Sorprendido, el punto le pregunta:

“�Qu� haces aqu�? ��sta es una fiesta de puntos!”

“Soy un punto, nada m�s que en el camino me despeine”, responde el asterisco.

There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population and young George was pretty excited.”Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?” asked George.”George, relax. Here is how it works. We’ll wait until they’re lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion.” said Sam.”Okay, I can do that.” George answered.Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there but Sam had a few more instructions.”Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I’ll start at one end and you can start at the other. We’ll meet in the middle” said Sam.”OK, OK, let’s go!” said George.”Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?” said Sam.”Sure” says George. Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up.George starts at one end and Sam at the other.George is pretty excited, but he remembers Sam’s instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to say- “Thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am, Oops! Sorry Sam, thank you ma’am.”

“�Ma�ana los quiero a todos aqu� a las 6:00 A.M. sin pretextos!” les decia el general del 4o regimiento de caballer�a a sus soldados.

Al d�a siguiente, a la hora se�alada, �no hab�a llegado nadie! El general estaba furioso, cuando ve que viene uno de sus soldados a pie.

“�Qu� le paso?, �les dije que a las 6:00!”

“S�, mi general, pero ven�a en mi caballo y que mete la pata en un pozo y se le quebr� la pata, y no me qued� m�s remedio que matarlo y dejarlo en el camino y venirme a pie.”

“�Ah, caray! No, pos p�sele.”

Otro soldado que ven�a atr�s escuch� el pretexto del caballo y cuando llega con el general:

“F�jese mi general que yo ven�a en mi caballo, pero lo mordi� una v�bora y se me muri� en el camino y yo me vine a pie.”

Otro soldado: “Fijese mi general que ven�a en mi yegua y se puso a dar a luz y la dej� en el camino y me tuve que venir caminando.”

Y todos los soldados que llegaban daban el pretexto del caballo, y el general m�s se iba encabronando.

“�A ver usted!, �por qu� lleg� tarde?”

“F�jese mi general, que ven�a en mi caballo, y que le da la encefalitis equina, y se me muere en el camino y me tuve que venir a pie.”

“�Me lleva la chingada! �Pr�ximo cabr�n que me salga conque le pas� algo a su caballo, lo mando fusilar!”

En eso llega el soldado Pepito.

“�Usted!, soldado Pepito, �por qu� llega tarde? �No vaya a salir con el pretexto del caballo!”

“No, mi general, yo ven�a a toda a madre en mi camioneta, pero el camino estaba hasta la chingada de caballos muertos, y no pude pasar, as� que dej� la camioneta y me vine a pie!”