Category: other

En la escuela la profesora le pregunta a Jaimito:

“Jaimito, dime una palabra que tenga muchas o.”

Y Jaimito dice:

“Goloso.”

Luego la maestra le pregunta a Pepito:

“Dime una palabra que tenga muchas o.”

Y pepito dice:

“�Goooooooool!”

Ole was on his death bed. But before he died, he wanted to have one last taste
of lefse (potato crepe). Even as weak as he was, he was able to crawl out of bed
and go down the stairs to the kitchen. After about 20 minutes of agonizing pain
he reached the kitchen. Opening the refrigerator door he slowly reached for the
lefse. He was just about to grab it when suddenly a hand came out from nowhere,
slapped his hand, and a voice boomed out, �Ole, that’s for the Funeral!�

Have you driven a Ford lately?

Yeh, that’s why I drive a Chevy!

A lady went into a store and told the clerk that she wanted to
return a blender for refund because it didn’t work. The clerk
told her that he couldn’t give her a refund because she bought
it on special. All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and
yelled, “Grab my tits! Grab my tits!”

The clerk didn’t know what to do, so he called the store manager
who asked her if he can help. She explained that she wanted to
return the broken blender for refund. He told her that he would
not give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special.
Once again she screams: “Grab my tits! Ohhh, grab my tits!”

The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling
that particular phrase. She replied, “Because I like my tits
grabbed when I’m getting screwed up the ass!”

1. Understand that we don’t give a shit about clothes. Yours or
ours. All we need is one pair of work shoes and one pair of
church shoes.

2. Don’t talk to us when the television is on. Very simple.
Television off, we talk. Television on, we don’t talk.

3. Ditto that for the computer.

4. If you can’t be bothered to take an interest in what we like
to do, don’t expect us to give a rat’s ass about what you want
to do.

5. Don’t ask us how many other women we’ve slept with. You don’t
want to know.

6. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking. Men can think about nothing
for hours.

7. Don’t tell us how many other men you have slept with.

8. Don’t try and be subtle, just say what’s on your mind and be
honest.

9. Stop bitching about us leaving the seat up, ok? Is ANYTHING
involving the bathroom important enough to argue over? No.

10. Men are stupid. We do stupid things. This will never change,
so don’t try to force it, just learn to live with it.

11. Not all men like sports and cars.

12. A lot more men than you might believe think that Pamela
Anderson is a nasty ho.

13. There is nothing wrong with your breasts. We love ALL
breasts, including yours.

14. Don’t ask a guy to go down on you unless you would do the
same for him.

15. Slap your husband/boyfriend if he keeps bugging you about
having a threesome with a friend of yours. Shitbags like that
give the rest of us a bad name.

16. Don’t ask us what we think about other women unless you
REALLY want to know.

17. Don’t try to get us to set our best friends up with your
overweight girlfriend. He wouldn’t do it to me, and I won’t do
it to him.

18. Don’t try and find answers to what men want in magazines
like Cosmo, just ask us.

19. Don’t be surprised if we don’t know what we want.

20. Don’t try and tell us what we want.

21. If you wouldn’t watch the action movie with us, then don’t
ask us to go to the chick flick with you.

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!”The policeman said, “What’s he like?”Little Johnny replied, “Beer and women!”

New Words for the 90s

Blamestorming – Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Chainsaw Consultant – An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Percussive Maintenance – The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Uninstalled – Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: “You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance.” See also Decruitment.

SITCOMs – What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Starter Marriage – A short-lived first marriage that ends in a divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Tourists – People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. “We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.”

Alpha Geek – The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. “Ask Larry, he’s the alpha geek around here.”

Dancing Baloney – Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. “This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help.”

Flight Risk – Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

Generica – Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. “We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in.”

Nyetscape – Nickname for AOL’s less-than-full-featured Web browser.

PEBCAK – Tech support shorthand for “Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard.” (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They’ve submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another variation on the above is ID10T: “This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system.”)

Square-headed Girlfriend – Another word for a computer. The victim of a square-headed girlfriend is a “computer widow.”

A guy is tending bar at a sophisticated NY party when two nose-in-the-air women approach.

“So, where y’all from?” he asks.

“We are from,” one of them answers, “somewhere where people don’t end their sentences with prepositions.”

“Oh,” says the bartender. “So, where y’all from, bitch?”

Submitted by Clark Kent
Edited by Calamjo

There was a guy in the middle of the desert and his car broke down. He started walking and he came to a monastery, where he asked them if he could borrow a mule. The monks lent him one, and they explained that you had to say “Thank the Lord!” to make it go and “Amen!” to make it stop. So the man said, “Thank the Lord, thank the Lord and thank the Lord!” and the mule took off! He was coming to the edge of a cliff and he forgot how to make it stop. Finally, at the very edge he remembered, “Amen!” The guy was so relieved he shouted, “Thank the Lord!”

u smell u smell u smell u smell

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.”We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.””Well, tell me!” the man said.The policeman said, “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, “Give me the bad news first.”So the policeman said, “I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in San Francisco Bay.””Oh my god!,” said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, “What’s the good news?””Well,” said the policeman, “When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her.””If that’s the good news than what’s the great news?!”, Mr. Wilkens demanded.The policeman said, “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.”

A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals.

The chief of the cannibals comes to them and says “Guys, I have good news and bad news.”

“The bad news is that now that we’ve caught you, we’re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe.”

“The good news is that you get to choose how you die.”

The Frenchman says, in a very heavy french accent, “I take ze sword.”

When the chief gives him a sword the Frenchman takes it, exclaims “Vive la France,” and runs himself through.

The Englishman is next. He looks the chief in the eye and says “A pistol for me, please.”

The chief gives him the pistol. The Englishman cocks the gun, points it at his head, yells “God save the queen!” and blows his brains out.

The chief turns to the New Yorker. “Gimme a fork,” the man says, with complete disdain.

The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives the man a fork.

The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over his body – the stomach, the sides, the chest, his arms, his legs, everywhere.

Blood is gushing out of what seems like every inch of his body. It is horrible.

The chief is appalled, and asks “My God, what are you doing?”

The New Yorker looks up at him from the ever expanding pool of blood and says “So much for your canoe, you stupid bastard!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman