Category: other

Under most circumstances, I would just ignore this. However, since I’ve been doing some

very important work with this charitable organization, I would hate to see all the good work spoiled. I agree that there may be a few trying to take advantage, but the majority of us are trying to help others. So, if I show up at your door, please ignore the message below and cooperate fully!

Subject: FW: Scam Warning You might want to pass this on to your girlfriends, sisters, Mom, etc….

Warning!!

I don’t normally forward these, but this one looks important…

WARNING … WARNING !!!!!

If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your tits… DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR TITS!

This is a scam and he is only trying to SEE YOUR TITS.

The Centers for Disease Control stated that being overweight actually gives you a lower risk of death than being thin.

It was big news in Hollywood.

The next day, Michael Moore’s personal physician diagnosed his condition as immortal.

-Argus Hamilton

An Asian man walks into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and
walks out with $72. Next week he walks in with 2000 yen, gets $66. He asks
the lady why he gets less money this week than last week.

The lady says “Fluctuations”.

The Asian man storms out, and just before slamming the door turns around
and says “Fluc you clazy Amelicans too!”

A screenwriter comes home to a burned-down house. His sobbing wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” he asks.

“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking when the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove had caught on fire. It went up in seconds. Everything is gone. I barely made it out of the house alive…”

“Wait! Back up a minute,” the man says. “My agent called?”

Earthly Drug Problems

Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the earth.
After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed. It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs.

The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple:

”Who is it?”
”It’s Paul”
Jesus opens the door.
”What did you bring Paul?”
”Hashish from Morocco”
”Very well son, come in.”

”Who is it?”
It’s Mark”
Jesus opens the door.
”What did you bring Mark?”
”Marijuana from Colombia”
”Very well son, come in.”

”Who is it?”
”It’s Matthew”
Jesus opens the door.
”What did you bring Matthew?”
”Cocaine from Bolivia”
”Very well son, come in.”

”Who is it?”
”It’s John”
Jesus opens the door.
”What did you bring John?”
”Crack from New York”
”Very well son, come in.”

”Who is it?”
”It’s Luke”
Jesus opens the door.
”What did you bring Luke?”
”Speed from Amsterdam”
”Very well son, come in.”

”Who is it?”
”It’s Judas”
Jesus opens the door.
”What did you bring Judas?”
”The FBI! EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL!”

Seventy-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.
Doctor Smith said,
‘George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself and do you have a good relationship with your God?’

George replied,
‘God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the toilet, poof, the light goes on when I pee and then, poof, the light goes off when I’m done.’

‘Wow,’ commented Doctor
Smith, ‘that’s incredible!’

A little later in the day Doctor Smith called George’s wife. ‘Thelma,’ he said, ‘George is just fine. Physically he’s great.

But I had to call because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and, poof, the light goes on in the toilet and then, poof, the light goes off?’

Thelma exclaimed, ‘That old fool. He’s been peeing in the refrigerator again!’

Q: What is the difference between the Dresden bombing and Germany’s best
comedian?

A: Only the first one can make you smile.

A plumber was called to woman’s apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked dish and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.

About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans.

“That was my husband,” she said, putting down the phone. “He’s on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off.”

The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. “What? On my own time?”

Two men were down at the pub talking.

The first man said, “My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won’t let me do any work around the house. It’s incredible !”

The second man says, “That’s nothing. My wife thinks I’m God!”

“She thinks you’re God? What makes you say that?”

“Easy, every night she places a burnt offering before me!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching you.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you.”

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” He hissed at the parrot.

“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”

The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?”

“Moses,” replied the bird.

“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?”

The bird promptly answered, “Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller “Jesus”!

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Q: Who wears a forest ranger’s hat and carries a can of kerosene?

A: Stanislaus the Fire Prevention Bear of the Polish National Forest Service.

Kerido Santa:
Me gustaria un gujete del espazio para Nabidad. E zido muy vuen ni�o este a�o.
Tu amijo, Claudio

—

Querido Claudio:
Buena ortograf�a, campe�n. Definitivamente tendr�s una brillante carrera… como jardinero. �Qu� te parece si mejor te regalo un libro de ortograf�a? Le voy a mandar el juguete del espacio a tu hermano… por lo menos �l si sabe escribir.
Santa

* * * * *

Querido Santa:
He sido una muy buena ni�a todo el a�o. Lo �nico que te pido es paz y amor para todo el mundo.
Con amor, Sara

—

Querida Sara:
Tus papas fuman yerba �verdad?
Santa

* * * * *

Querido Santa:
Llevo tres a�os pidi�ndote un cami�n de bomberos. Por favor, este a�o tr�eme un cami�n de bomberos.
Gracias, Luis

—

Querido Luis:
Disc�lpame, por favor. Pero, �por qu� no incendias tu casa, amigo? As� podr�s tener todos los camiones de bomberos que quieras.
Santa

* * * * *

Querido Santa:
No s� si puedas, pero este a�o me gustar�a que juntaras a mis pap�s otra vez, la verdad a veces extra�o mucho a papi.
Con amor, Juan

—

Querido Juan:
�Y qu� quieres, que arruine la relaci�n entre tu pap� y su secretaria?
Si se est� divirtiendo como enano. Mejor te regalo unos Legos.
Santa

* * * * *

Querido Santa:
Quiero una bici, un Nintendo, un tren, unos mu�ecos, un perro, un pony y una guitarra el�ctrica.
Con amor, Tiburcio

—

Querido Tiburcio:
�Qui�n chingados le pone a su hijo Tiburcio?
Santa

* * * * *

Querido Santa:
Te dej� unas galletas con leche abajo del �rbol y unas zanahorias para tus renos.
Con amor, Susana

—

Querida Susana:
La leche me da diarrea y las zanahorias hacen que los renos se pedorreen en mi cara. Si quieres andar de lambiscona, mejor reg�lame una botella de Chivas Regal y unos Hershey’s.
Santa

* * * * *

Querido Santa,
Por fas, por fas, por fas, por fas. Este a�o quiero un perrito. �Me lo traes? �POR FAS, POR FAS, POR FAS!
Paquito

—

Paquito:
Esos berrinches con tanta intensidad a lo mejor funcionan con tus pap�s, �pero aqu� esa mierda no la toleramos! Te voy a mandar un pijama otra vez.
Santa

* * * * *

Querido Santa:
No tenemos chimenea en la casa, �c�mo vas a entrar?
Con amor, Juanito

—

Estimado Juanito:
En primer lugar, deja de decirte ‘Juanito’, por eso te parten la madre todos los d�as en la escuela. Dos, no vives en una casa, es un departamento de inter�s social. Tres, me meto a tu casa como todos los ladrones lo hacen: por la ventana de tu cuarto.
Santa