Category: other

What do you call a nun that sleepwalks?
A Roman Catholic

Un matrimonio ingl�s. La mujer le pide al marido:

“James, nuestro hijo ha cumplido 16 a�os y creo que deber�as hablarle de hombre a hombre y contarle lo que hacen la vaquita y el toro, la abejita y el abejorro, el perrito y la perrita, etc.”

“De acuerdo, querida”.

A continuaci�n va a buscar a su hijo y le dice:

“John, si�ntate y s�rvete un whisky. T� y yo vamos a tener una conversaci�n de hombre a hombre. �T� te acuerdas, John, c�mo el a�o pasado, cuando estabamos cabalgando cerca del r�o, nos encontramos a dos chicas desnudas ba��ndose y acabamos tir�ndonoslas? Pues bien, tu madre quiere que sepas que eso tambi�n lo hacen las vaquitas, los perritos, las ovejitas…”

Un individuo est� vendiendo pericos en un sem�foro. Llega un tipo en su camioneta del a�o y le pregunta:

“Oye, �cu�nto valen los pericos?”

“�ste vale 10 mil pesos”, mostr�ndole el primer perico.

“Pues, �qu� hace?”, pregunta asombrado el parroquiano.

“Habla ingl�s, franc�s, italiano y sabe contestar el tel�fono”.

“Y ese otro, �cu�nto cuesta?”

“�ste vale 20 mil pesos”.

“Y �ste, �qu� hace?”, pregunta, a�n m�s asombrado, el comprador.

“Habla ingl�s, franc�s, italiano, portugu�s; contesta el tel�fono; baja canciones de Internet y, adem�s, se viste solo”.

“�Ya me imagino que el otro ha de valer m�s! �Verdad?”

“En efecto, se�or, �ste vale 30 mil pesos”.

“�Y qu� hace?”

“No hace nada, pero �stos dos le dicen jefe”.

There was a man and woman traveling along in their car. The man was driving when a police officer pulls them over. The officer walks up to the window and says “Did you know you were speeding back there.”The lady (who is almost deaf) said to her husband “What did he say, what did he say?”The man turns to his wife and said “He said I was speeding.” The officer then said “Where are you from?”The man replied “Chicago”The wife then says “What did he say, what did he say?”The man turns to his wife and said, “He wanted to know where we came from.”The officer then said “Shit, you know, I had my worst fuck ever in Chicago.”The lady then says “What did he say, what did he say?”The man turns back and says “He says he thinks he knows you.”

El Presidente de la Rep�blica al regresar de una de sus giras, y llegar a su vivienda
se da cuenta que en la pared del frente estaba escrito un grafiti:

“El presidente debe morir”, y lo m�s curioso del caso era que estaba escrito con orines.

Asustado, se va a las Oficinas de la Policia y entra gritando: “Hay una amenaza de muerte en la pared frente de mi casa y est� escrito con orines, quiero saber quien lo hizo y quiero saberlo ahora.”

Los agentes de la Policia salen corriendo de la oficina, y horas m�s tarde se presentan donde el presidente y le dicen:

“Se�or presidente tenemos dos noticias, una mala y otra peor, �cual quiere
saber primero?”

“Deme la mala primero”, dice el presidente.

“Se�or, analizamos el ADN de la muestra de orina, los resultados nos indican que la orina pertenece al se�or Vicepresidente.”

“�Oh Dios m�o! me siento traicionado… �mi propio Vicepresidente! Pero y �cual es la peor noticia?”

“Se�or, es que la letra es de su esposa…”

Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, “Have ye seen Mulligan
lately, Pat?”

Pat said, “Well, I have and I haven’t.”

His friend asked, “Shure, and what d’ye mean by that?”

Pat said, “It’s like this, y’see…I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan,
and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one
another…it was neither of us.”

A few years ago, Charlie Brown and the PEANUTS gang made a new friend who developed leukemia in an animated special entitled, WHY, CHARLIE BROWN, WHY?

Recently, MetLife has put out a series of instructional pamphlets which feature the PEANUTS gang dealing with such issues as the loss of a loved one, writing a will, and dealing with a permanent disability. Now that Charlie Brown is dealing with important issues, how about some PEANUTS specials for the kids of the 90s?

* We could learn about V.D. in, IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN.

* Chuck and the Little Red-Headed Girl find out about unwanted pregnancy in, IT’S BLUE, CHARLIE BROWN!

* Is Linus gay? Find out in, IT’S A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE BROWN.

* Explore the real problems of child abuse in America in, YOU MADE ME DO THAT, CHARLIE BROWN.

* See how the PEANUTS gang deals with date rape in, NO MEANS NO, CHARLIE BROWN.

* Discover a father’s forbidden love in, IT’S OUR LITTLE SECRET, CHARLIE BROWN.

* The PEANUTS gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in, IMO BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, CHARLIE BROWN.

* What goes on in the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pen’s twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego, Mr. Clean in, GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN.

* Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing Social Security checks and boosting automobiles in GO BLAME SOCIETY, CHARLIE BROWN.

It was really tough work being an Apostle of Jesus. Can you imagine the hours? What if you wanted a day off? So you call up Jesus and say, “Jesus, I’m sick today, running a little fever and feeling congested so I won’t be able to make it to today’s Sermon…….what ……..say that again, you say I’m cured?”

A woman is just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rings. Her husband, heading to the shower himself, asks her to see who’s at the door, so she wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands her next-door neighbor, Rob. Before she can say a word, Rob says, “I’ll give you $500 to drop that towel you have on.”

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of him. He looks for a few seconds, hands her $500, and leaves.

Excited about her earnings, the woman puts the towel back on and runs upstairs. Her husband yells out from the shower, “Who was that?”

“It was Rob from next door,” she replies.

“Great,” the husband says.

“Did he say anything about the $500 dollars he owes me?”

1. Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3.Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America… do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke. 5. Only in America… do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’. 10. Only in America… do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Yo mama so ugly, she scares blind people.

Under most circumstances, I would just ignore this. However, since I’ve been doing some

very important work with this charitable organization, I would hate to see all the good work spoiled. I agree that there may be a few trying to take advantage, but the majority of us are trying to help others. So, if I show up at your door, please ignore the message below and cooperate fully!

Subject: FW: Scam Warning You might want to pass this on to your girlfriends, sisters, Mom, etc….

Warning!!

I don’t normally forward these, but this one looks important…

WARNING … WARNING !!!!!

If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your tits… DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR TITS!

This is a scam and he is only trying to SEE YOUR TITS.