Category: other

I, Rambo, swear to sign away four years of my mediocre life to the United
States Army because I couldn’t score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the
Air Force, I’m not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won’t take me
because I can’t swim.

I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I
can’t figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24
hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue telling myself that I am a
fierce killing machine because my drill sergeant told me I am, despite the fact
that the only action I ever will see is a court martial for sexual harassment.

I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and
vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After
completion of my sexual — er — I mean, BASIC training, I will attend a
different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did
when I left.

On my first trip home after boot camp, I will walk around like I am cool and
propose to my ninth-grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home, because if
I let her out she might leave me for a smarter, better-looking Air Force guy.
Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back.

While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely
nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hours because of
morning PT and leave every day at 1300 hours to report back to the “COMPANY.” I
understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a
job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from
high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for
college, but will be unable to use it because I can’t pass a placement exam.

So help me God.

Signature:__________________ Date:_______________

On a crowded airliner a five-year-old boy is throwing a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly minister slowly walks forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the minister leans down and whispers something into the boy’s ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.As the minister slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the stewardess takes him by the sleeve. “Excuse me, Reverend,” she ways quietly, “but what magic words did you use on that little boy?”The old man smiles serenely and gently says, “I told him if he didn’t cut that shit out, I’d kick his fucking ass to the moon.”

A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She prepared her will and made her final arraignments.

As part of these arraignments she met with her rabbi to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted, etc.

She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomindales. “Bloomindales!” the rabbi said. “Why Bloomindales?”

“That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week.”

After the annual office christmas party blowout, john woke up with a pounding
headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the
preceding evening. after a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way
downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. “louise,” he moaned,
“tell me what went on last night. was it as bad as i think?” “even worse,” she
assured him in her most scornful one. “you made a complete ass of yourself,
succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the
chairman of the company to his face.” “he’s an arrogant, self-important prick,
piss on him!” “you did. all over his suit, ” louise informed him. “and he fired
you.” “well, f*** him,” said john. “i did. you’re back at work on monday.”

Una conocida estrella de televisi�n pasa un tiempo en una cl�nica para hacerse distintas cirug�as: estiramientos faciales, siliconas, retoques de nariz, p�mulos y boca. Finalmente, el cirujano pl�stico se dirige a luminaria:

“�La se�ora va a desear algo m�s?”

“�Por supuesto, me gustar�a tener los ojos m�s grandes y expresivos!”

“Ah, esa es la parte m�s simple de todo. �Espere a que le den la cuenta!”

Why do women have their clitoris’ pierced?

So men can find it.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Q: What nationality are you if you’re going to the bathroom?
A: European

Q: And what nationality are you if someone’s knocking on the door while you’re going?
A: You’re a Russian.

One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running
so she wouldn’t be late for church. As she ran she kept praying,
“Dear God, please don’t let me be late to church. Please don’t
let me be late to church….” And, as she was running she
tripped and fell. When she got back up she began praying again,
“Please, God don’t let me be late to church — but don’t shove
me either!”

Un chino iba a salir del pa�s con 100 Kg de coca�na y 1000 d�lares. La polic�a lo detiene y le amenaza:

“Te vamos a llevar con el cabo, �l si te va a dar duro”.

Entonces lo llevan con el cabo:

“�As� que te has querido llevar 75 kilos de coca�na y 750 d�lares? Ahora te las vas a ver con el coronel”.

Al chino lo llevan donde el coronel:

“�As� que te has querido llevar 50 kilos de coca�na y 500 d�lares? Ahora vas a ver el capit�n, �l te va mandar adentro”.

Entonces lo llevan con el capit�n:

“�As� que te has querido llevar 25 kilos de coca�na y 250 d�lares? Ahora te las vas a ver con el mayor, �l si te va a mandar a la c�rcel y a hacer trabajos forzados”.

Entonces lo llevan con el mayor:

“�As� que te has querido llevar 100 gramos de coca�na y 10 d�lares?”

El chino ya no aguanta y reclama:

“Ya, al menos dejal pal pasaje”.

There was this guy at a baseball game, and he had to go to the bathroom really bad, but the men’s bathroom was all filled up and he couldn’t wait.

He looked over at the girl’s bathroom and there wasn’t a line, so he went in there, entered a stall and sat to go to the bathroom.

He saw 3 buttons. Curious, he pushed the first button and went “ah”. He pushed the second button and went “ooo”. Finally, when he pushed the third and woke up in the hospital he asked, “What happened?”

The doctor said, “Didn’t you know that the third button is an automatic tampn remover?”

Some tourists at Chicago’s Field Museum of Natural were marveling at their large collection of dinosaur bones. One of them asked the guard, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”

The guard replied, “They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.”

“That’s an awfully exact number,” said the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”

The guard answered, “Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago!”

INTERNATIONAL THINKING AT ITS BEST!

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana’s death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess

with an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French tunnel,

driving a German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian who was drunk

on Scottish whisky,

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor,

using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by an American,

using Bill Gates’s technology,

and you’re probably reading this on your computer,

that use Taiwanese chips,

and a Korean monitor,

assembled by Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals…..

That, my friends, is Globalization

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo