Category: other

Did you hear what the men say in a Muslim strip club?’Get your face out for the boys…’

Dos amigas est�n platicando sus asuntos:

“�Ay, ya no hallo qu� hacer con mi marido!”

�Por qu�?”

“Mira, se pasa todo el d�a leyendo y a m� �ni me para! Me pongo ropa sexy y �nada! Me paseo desnuda por toda la casa y nada. Me acuesto en posiciones sensuales y provocativas y �l nada de nada. Pero, sabes, el otro d�a fue diferente: me pidi� que me acostara desnuda a su lado; entonces me sob� las tetas, m�s y m�s. Mientras tanto, yo me iba poniendo caliente; luego me fue tocando m�s y m�s abajo; m�s abajo. Luego, cuando llego all�, me meti� el dedo, se lo moj� y paso la p�gina”.

Use them as Needed . . .

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow’s not looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

4. I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

5. Someday we’ll look back on this and plow into a parked car.

6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

7. Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

8. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

10. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself – “Where the hell is the ceiling???”

12. My reality check bounced.

13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

14. I don’t suffer from stress – I’m a carrier . . .

15. You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through Peanut Butter!

16. Don’t meddle in the affairs of dragons, cuz, like, you’re crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

17. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo…

18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

On a group of beautiful deserted tropical islands in the middle of
nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you
might expect, a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman, 2 French men and 1 French woman,
2 German men and 1 German woman,
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman,
2 English men and 1 English woman,
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman,
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman,
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman,
2 American men and 1 American woman, and
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these same absolutely stunningly beautiful
desert (and deserted) islands in the middle of nowhere, the following
things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily
together in a menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating
visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman
is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to
the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean,
another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a
restaurant, and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in
order to supply employees for the store.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide
because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body,the
true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the
necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand
and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her
opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her
mother is improving, and at least the taxes are low and it isn’t raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and
set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture
because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut
whiskey.
But they’re satisfied because at least the English aren’t having any fun.

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time. As he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel.

This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke. One day as the young man passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him: ” Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to let you know that the price of pretzels has increased to 35 cents.”

What do you call a black woman with braces?

A Black and Decker Pecker Wrecker!

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

A psychiatrist’s receptionist comes in and says, “There’s a man out in the lobby who says he can make himself invisible.”

“Tell him I can’t see him right now.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Glaci

One day this old man was about to have sex with an eighteen year old girl, who he did not know. The old man began to put on his condom when the young girl asked him why is he putting one on.She said “you don’t have to worry about getting me pregnant because you are too old and you don’t have to worry about catching anything because you are going to die pretty soon anyway”.The old man continued to put on his condom he then looked up at the girl and said, “young girl the reason I am putting on this condom isn’t because I am afraid of getting you pregnant or catching anything. I just like the scent of burning rubber.”

whats the difference between brocoli and boogers?
KIDS DONT EAT BROCOLI!!!!

Dos cientificos se encuentran y pregunt�ndose por sus descubrimientos, uno dice:

“Yo he consegido una simbiosis, he cruzado ladillas con luci�rnagas.”

Y el otro pregunta:

“�Y qu� utilidad tiene?”

“No lo s�, pero tengo unos cojones que parecen Las Vegas.”

I, Rambo, swear to sign away four years of my mediocre life to the United
States Army because I couldn’t score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the
Air Force, I’m not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won’t take me
because I can’t swim.

I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I
can’t figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24
hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue telling myself that I am a
fierce killing machine because my drill sergeant told me I am, despite the fact
that the only action I ever will see is a court martial for sexual harassment.

I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and
vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After
completion of my sexual — er — I mean, BASIC training, I will attend a
different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did
when I left.

On my first trip home after boot camp, I will walk around like I am cool and
propose to my ninth-grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home, because if
I let her out she might leave me for a smarter, better-looking Air Force guy.
Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back.

While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely
nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hours because of
morning PT and leave every day at 1300 hours to report back to the “COMPANY.” I
understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a
job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from
high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for
college, but will be unable to use it because I can’t pass a placement exam.

So help me God.

Signature:__________________ Date:_______________

On a crowded airliner a five-year-old boy is throwing a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly minister slowly walks forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the minister leans down and whispers something into the boy’s ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.As the minister slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the stewardess takes him by the sleeve. “Excuse me, Reverend,” she ways quietly, “but what magic words did you use on that little boy?”The old man smiles serenely and gently says, “I told him if he didn’t cut that shit out, I’d kick his fucking ass to the moon.”