Category: other

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves when the little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”

The grandfather smiles. “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t.
It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather, impressed with his grandson’s ingenuity, hands him five dollars … then grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars?”
The grandfather replies, “Yes, I know. But that’s from your grandma!”

For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with her to the seance parlor of Madame Freda. “Milty, she’s a real gypsy, and she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them! Last week, I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace.

Milty, for twenty dollars you can talk to your zayde (grandfather) who you misses so much!”

Milton Pitzel could not resist her appeal. At the very next seance at Madam Freda’s Seance Parlor, Milty sat under the colored light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side.
All were humming, “Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom.”

Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. “My medium…Vashtri,” she called. “Come in. Who is that with you? Who? Mr. Pitzel? Milton Pitzel’s Zayde?”

Milty swallowed the lump in his throat and called, “Grampa? Zayde?”
“Ah, Milteleh?” a thin voice quavered.
“Yes! Yes!” cried Milty. “This is your Milty! Grandfather, are you happy in the other world?”

“Milteleh, I am in bliss. With your bubbie together, we laugh, we sing. We gaze upon the shining face of the Lord!” A dozen more questions did Milty ask of his zayde, and each question did his zayde answer, until “So now, Milteleh, I have to go. The angels are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask.”

“Zayde,” sighed Milty, “when did you learn to speak English?”

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.”Lord, I have a problem!” “What’s the problem, Eve?””Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.””Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.”Lord, I am lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.””Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.””What’s a man, Lord?” “Man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time.But… he’ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he’s aroused, but since you’ve been complaining, I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs.He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he’ll also need your advice to think properly.””Sounds great!” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What’s the catch, Lord?””Well… you can have him on one condition.””What’s that, Lord?” “As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self- admiring… So you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it’s our little secret…You know, woman to woman.”

Buckwheat from the Little Rascals became a Muslim.

Now they call him Kareem of Wheat!

A teacher was in class on Friday evening (last period).
She told the class that whichever student answered the
question correctly could have Monday off.

She asked “Who is the President of the United States?”

A boy rose his hand and said “Bill Clinton.”

The teacher told him he could have Monday off, but the boy told her that he
was Jewish and that Jews don’t take holidays for no reason.

The teacher told him not to raise his hand again and she decided to ask
another question. She said “What is the name of the last province that
joined in confederation with Canada?”

Another boy rose his hand and said “Newfoundland.”

The teacher told him that he could have Monday off but the boy said that he
too was a Jew.

A big bully who was sitting at the back of the class said “Stupid Jews.”

The teacher called out “Who said that?”
The bully called back “Hitler Miss! See yah Tuesday!”

A couple was driving along the freeway on their way to their wedding when they were in a car accident, and both were killed.

They were met in heaven by Saint Peter and they explained that they were to be married but now they are no longer with the living, but they still wanted to get married.

Saint Peter said, “Let me see what I can do.”

A year passed and Saint Peter returned and informed them that they now could get married.

Six months later the couple went to the Angel and said, “We made a mistake and now we want a divorce.”

Saint Peter said “It took me a year to find a preacher and now you want a lawyer!?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Why do farts smell?

For the benefit of the deaf!

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, “You know, I just can’t seem to get a tender Missionary. I’ve baked them, I’ve roasted them, I’ve stewed them, I’ve barbecued them, I’ve tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender.”

The second cannibal asks, “What kind of Missionary do you use?”

The other replied, “You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they’re sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads.”

“Ah, ha!” the second cannibal replies. “No wonder … those are friars!”

En un manicomio, estaban todos los locos en su hora de descanso, jugando al mango maduro. Cada uno de los loquitos al tocar su turno, sub�an a lo alto de una barda y a unos metros de la barda hab�a un �rbol enorme y saltando desde la barda hacia el �rbol, gritaban “MANGO MADURO” y despu�s de balancearse un par de veces de las ramas del �rbol, se soltaban de tremenda altura y azotaban contra el piso y as� sucesivamente cada uno de ellos esperaba ansioso su turno.

En esos momentos va pasando el Director del manicomio en su rond�n de rutina, y cuando detectan su presencia todos los locos comienzan a gritar a coro:

“Que juegue el Dire, que juegue el Dire”

Y mientras lo jalaban de los brazos hacia la barda, y el Director ante tal acoso y en un momento de “brillantez”, decide seguir el juego con una NUEVA estrategia.

Por fin arriba de la barda y saltando hacia el enorme �rbol, grita a todo lo que da: “Mango Verde” y se balanceaba de las ramas sin soltarse de ellas y cuando pensaba que todo estaba bien librado, de inmediato los loquitos reaccionan y gritan:

“�A esos los tumbamos a pedradas!”

I went to my friends house and we were cleaning out his room. It was very messy. When we took everything out of under the bed a little green chimp shot me with a 9. i put a band-aid over it and i was just fine. Then we found about 100 pounds of weed in his VCR. We sold it for 10 cents. Never mind we smoked it. We took every thing out of his dresser and there were little people having sex. I guy in there called us peeping toms. That made me mad so i burned them with a ice gun then i crushed them. After we were done we ate a lot of nuts. then we drank a lot of alpple pop. After that some guy was sleeping in his bed i woke him up and he said i was a cock sucking slut who had a pussy witch made me a women. then he shot me with a big bomb. After that i yelled BROWN then i died.

Top Ten Signs You’re a True Star Wars Fan

10. When arguing Star Wars against Star Trek, you use the words ‘Star Trek Sissy Boys’ at least 15 times.

9. You believe President Clinton should increase its budget. (I’m sorry, wrong Star Wars!)

8. At a Star Wars collectibles convention, you purchase Gammorean Guard saliva.

7. You waste your time writing Star Wars Top Ten lists. (No comment)

6. You foolishly believe that Lucas will ACTUALLY make more Star Wars movies, when you know he’s just saying that so people will buy the new Star Wars merchandise and books, then in a year he’ll give his famous ‘I don’t feel like it’ speech.

5. You would feed yourself to the rancor if it meant finding out the name of Anakin’s wife.

4. You’d actually want a copy of that lousy Star Wars holiday special.

3. You stick up for Mark Hamill even when you know he’s a bad actor.

2. You shell out 10 bucks for a magazine that describes the planet Tatooine.

1. You have recurring nightmares about Episodes 1-3 being about a dysfunctional family of Ewoks.

Baxter Conners
Vice President
Company 203
203 Wall St.
New York, NY 10015

Dear Mr. Conners,

Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
employment with your bank.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large
number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of
candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Company 203’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this
time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following
graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Sincerely,
XXXXXXXX