Yours Fun Portal !
The head nun at the convent says, “I found a pair of men’s underwear under my desk!”
Twenty nuns gasp, but one nun goes “Heh, heh, heh…”
She says, “And I found a used condom on my desk!”
Twenty nuns gasp, but one nun goes “Heh, heh, heh…”
She says, “And there was a huge tear in the condom!”
One nun gasps, but twenty nuns go, “Heh, heh, heh.”
10. “Did anyone think about bringing a couple of
umbrellas?”
9. “Hey, there are more than two flies in here!”
8. “Wasn’t someone supposed to put two shovels on board?”
7. “OK, who’s the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on
board?”
6. “Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!”
5. “Don’t Make Me Pull This Ark Over And Come Back There!”
4. “No Ham, you cannot eat the Pig!”
3. “And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out.”
2. “Nice Doggie!”
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING OVERHEARD ON NOAH’S ARK…..
1. “Are We There Yet?”
This girl is walking with her boyfriend in the park and she asks…. Hunny… will you remember me in a day?… uummm… yeah.
Will you remember me in a week …. yah…in a year? yeah. ok well knock, knock? whos there? gosh sweety you already forgot me.
A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends visited and asked if the ranch had a name.
“Well,” said the would-be cattleman, “I wanted to name it the Bar-J. My wife favored Suzy-Q, one son like the Flying-W, and the other wanted the Lazy-Y. So we’re calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y.”
“But where are all your cattle?” the friends asked.
“None survived the branding.”
A husband proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average only 1,100 words a day, where as women use 2,200 words a day. She though about this for awhile and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.He said “What?”
At a radiator shop (A-1 Radiator)
“Best Place in Town to take a Leak”
Sign over a gynecologist’s office
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
On a Plumbers truck:
“We repair what your husband tried to fix.”
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
Pizza shop slogan:
“7 days without pizza makes one weak.”
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blowout”
Door of a plastic surgeon’s office:
“Hello. Can we pick your nose or would you rather do it”
At a laundry shop: “How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no
charge, close the store and have the manager shot.
Would that be satisfactory?”
At a towing company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”
On an electrician’s truck
“Let us remove your shorts.”
In a non-smoking area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
On a maternity room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”
At an optometrist’s office:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
On a taxidermist’s window:
“We really know our stuff.”
In a podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”
On a fence:
“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.”
At a car dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet — miss a car payment.”
Outside a muffler shop:
“No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”
In a veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
At the electric company:
“We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you
will be.”
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. “Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press and Wall Street responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope.
The message read, “Reorganize.” This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times.
The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, “Prepare three envelopes.”
A couple, age 67, went to the doctor’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, “There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse”, and he charged them $32.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally, the doctor asked, “just exactly what are you trying to find out?”
The old man said, “we’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married, and we can’t go to her house. I’m married, and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get back $28 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor’s office.”
Un granjero est� en la carretera haciendo autostop con su puerquito. Pasa una camioneta y el conductor le pregunta que ad�nde va.
“Voy al pueblo que sigue”.
“S�base, lo llevo.”
El tipo se sube pero deja al puerquito. Curioso, el chofer le pregunta:
“�Por qu� no sube a su puerco?”
“D�jelo, �l ahorita nos sigue”.
Arranca la camioneta y el puerquito va atr�s de ellos, sigui�ndolos. El chofer aumenta a 50 Km y el puerquito sigue corriendo detr�s de ellos. En una bajada, el conductor aumenta la velocidad a 120 Km; se asoma por el retrovisor y ve que el puerquito est� sacando la lengua, y le dice al due�o:
“Oiga, parece que su puerco ya se cans�”.
“�Por qu�?”
“Es que va sacando la lengua”.
“�Hacia que lado?”
“Hacia la izquierda”.
“Ah, no se ha cansado, lo que pasa es que quiere que se haga a un lado para rebasarlo”.
Q: What do you call a one legged dog?
A: It dont matter he wont come anyway.
Seventy-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.Doctor Smith said, ‘George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself and do you have a good relationship with your God?’George replied, ‘God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the toilet, poof, the light goes on when I pee and then, poof, the light goes off when I’m done.”Wow,’ commented Doctor Smith, ‘that’s incredible!’A little later in the day Doctor Smith called George’s wife. ‘Thelma,’ he said, ‘George is just fine. Physically he’s great. But I had to call because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and, poof, the light goes on in the toilet and then, poof, the light goes off?’Thelma exclaimed, ‘That old fool. He’s been peeing in the refrigerator again!’
La mujer es el �nico “elemento matem�tico” que cumple con las cuatro funciones b�sicas que son:
1. Suma gastos.
2. Resta alegr�as.
3. Multiplica los problemas.
4. Divide las opiniones.