Category: other

Venancio va a enviarle un radiomensaje a Manolo:

“�Me indica su PIN?”

“Claro… ahora lo recuerdo… mmmm, pues… ah, s�, 12345678.”

“�Cu�l es el mensaje?”

“Manolo, pasa por mi casa, que has olvidao tu pager.”

tu ama

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, ”Congratulations sir, You’re the father of twins.” ”What a coincidence,” the man said with some obvious pride. ”I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.” The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, ”You sir, are the father of triplets.” ”Wow, That’s really an incredible coincidence ” he answered. ”I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down.” An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turn to the thirrd man — who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply. ”Don’t tell me! Another coincidence?” asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said ”I don’t believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!” After hearing this, everybody’s attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly regained consciousness. When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again. ”I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers… ”I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers… ”I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers…”

In The Beginning

In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was
without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And Satan said, “It doesn’t get any better than this.”

And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. And God said, “Let
the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree
yielding fruit,” and God saw that it was good.

And Satan said, “There goes the neighborhood.”

And God said, “Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let
them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air
and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing
that creepeth upon the Earth.” And so God created Man in his own image;
male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw
that they were lean and fit.

And Satan said, “I know how I can get back in this game.”

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach,
green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long
and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald’s. And McDonald’s brought forth the 99-cent
double cheeseburger.

And Satan said to Man, “You want fries with that?”

And Man said, “Super-size them.” And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that
man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, “Try my crispy fresh salad.”

And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry’s. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, “I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with
which to cook them.”

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own
platter.

And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra
pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have
to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.

And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, “You’re running up the score, Devil.” And God brought forth
the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into
chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in
cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, “It is good.” And Man went into
cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMO’s.

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell “naughty” stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began.”They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France.” The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.”Young ladies,” said the professor with a broad smile, “the next plane doesn’t leave till tomorrow afternoon.”

A couple goes to Mexico City for vacation and goes to a famous local
restaurant. They ask the waiter’s opinion about what to order, and he tells them
they have a special each Sunday that’s wonderful, so the couple orders that.
With great fanfare, the waiter brings out a large silver serving platter
with two huge steaming rounds of meat, juices dripping; it smells delicious and
tastes even better.
The couple is delighted with their meal and asks the waiter just what the
fabulous meat dish was. “Senor,” he explains, “each Saturday night, we have the
bullfights, and that was the bull’s balls you ate.
The couple is a bit taken aback by what they had just eaten, but it was
delicious, so they get over it.
Six months later, the couple returns back in Mexico City and decide to go
to the same same restaurant. Feeling adventuresome, they order the same dish.
Once again, with great fanfare, the waiter brings out the huge silver
serving dish and places it on the table. But this time there are two tiny pieces
of meat, barely enough for one.
The man says, “Excuse me, but the last time we were here and ordered this
dish, it was huge, more than enough for two. Why is this one so small?”
The waiter smiles and replies, �Well you see, senor, sometimes the bull
wins!”

A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at a neurosugeon’s house. After a
2-minute job, he demanded $75.
“I don’t charge this amount even though I’m a surgeon.”
“You’re right — that’s why I switched from surgery to plumbing!”

Hey buddy that’s a nice shirt, what brand is it? Clearance?

A family is at the dinner table. The father looks at his oldest son.”Tony! Why are you so fat?””Pop, it’s Mama’s casseroles!” Tony says.”I can’t stop eating them, it’s so good.””Tony, you should take a smaller bites.” Pop says.Then Pop looks at his middle son.”Fred! Why are you so fat?””Pop, it’s a Mama’s roast beef,” Vinny says.”I can’t stop eating it, it’s so good.””Fred, you should take a smaller bites.”Then Pop looks at his youngest son, “John! How you stay so slim and trim?””It’s easy, Pop,” John says.”I eat a lots and lots of pussy.””Pussy? Pussy?” Pop says.”That tastes like shit!””Pop, you should a take smaller bites.”

A man is walking along when he runs into a bunch of Indians. The Chief Indian steps forward and says, “You have trespassed on sacred territory. You must die or take the Three Indian Tepee Test.”

“Well I didn’t mean to sir, it you could just-”

“No, no matter you must die or take the Three Indian Tepee Test.”

“What’s the Three Indian Tepee Test?”

“You must go into first Tepee and drink whole keg beer, then you must go into second tepee and remove sore tooth from lions mouth, then you go to third tepee and make Fat Indian Squaw sexually happy.”

Well neither option is sounding real great to the guy, but he figures anything is better then death, and agrees. So he walks into the first tepee and drinks the whole keg of beer, comes out stumbling and is led to the second tepee. He goes in and immediately there is growling, but a short while later the sound is followed by purring.

Then the man walks out pants half down and slurs, “Now where is that squaw with the bad tooth?

When not to Fart: 1. In a crowded elevator2. On a crowded bus3. In a public library4. While on a date5. While giving a speech6. In church7. In a crowded classroom8. In your office when you’re alone – someone’s bound to walk in immediately afterwards9. In a movie theater 10. In your cubicle at work – again someone’s bound to walk in to visit11. In a walk-in freezer – it’ll linger a while12. In an commercial airplane13. In a ticket line14. In your car before picking up a family member15. during confession16. In bed when you’re feeling frisky17. In a Cessna18. While fighting fire in a burning building19. In a patrol car for a minor violation When to Fart: 1. In your bosses office as you are turning to leave. Tip-Make sure it’s a silent one.2. In a bathroom3. In a cashier’s line – it might help to speed up things4. In an empty elevator before you get off5. Next to an occupied changing room – it may quickly become unoccupied.6. In someone elses unoccupied cubicle at work7. While parachuting8. While scuba diving9. In the back seat of a patrol car if you are arrested10. During interrogation if you’re the one being interrogated11. In your car if you’ve been carjacked12. In the changing room when you’re sure someone else is waiting their turn.13. In your car once you’ve been pulled over. The cop may let you go quicker.14. During a pie eating competition to distract your competitors15. While walking down a crowded hallway. Nobody will know who to blame.

A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair – there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?””Ever go a fishin’?” the policeman suddenly asked the man.”Ummm, yeah…” the startled man replied.The officer grinned and added, “Did you ever catch ’em all?”