Category: other

An old blacksmith relized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked
out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and
exacting. “Don’t ask me a lot of questions,” he told the boy. “Just do whatever
I tell you to do.” One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and
laid it on the anvil. “Get the hammer over there,” he said. “When I nod my head,
hit it real good and hard.” Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said “Stop! don’t do it!”

“Why shouldn’t I?” he said.

I said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!”

He said, “Like what?”

I said, “Well…are you religious or atheist?”

He said, “Religious.”

I said, “Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?”

He said,”Christian.”

I said, “Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?”

He said, “Protestant.”

I said, “Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?”

He said, “Baptist!”

I said,”Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?”

He said, “Baptist church of god!”

I said, “Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?”

He said,”Reformed Baptist church of god!”

I said, “Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?”

He said, “Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!”

I said, “Die, heretic scum”, and pushed him off.

This is a true story from the WordPerfect help line. Needless to say the help
desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect
organization for “Termination without Cause”. Actual dialogue of a former Word
perfect Customer Support employee:

“Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?”

“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?”

“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?”

“They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”

“How do I tell?”

“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”

“What’s a sea-prompt?”

“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”

“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”

“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”

“What’s a monitor?”

“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
little light that tells you when it’s on?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes
into it. Can you see that?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the
wall.”

“…….Yes, it is.”

“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables
plugged into the back of it, not just one?”

“No.”

“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable.”

“…….Okay, here it is.”

“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your
computer.”

“I can’t reach.”

“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”

“No.”

“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”

“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.”

“Dark?”

“Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from
the window.”

“Well, turn on the office light then.”

“I can’t.”

“No? Why not?”

“Because there’s a power outage.”

“A power… A power outage? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still
have the boxes and manuals and packing snuff your computer came in?”

“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

“Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

“Really? Is it that bad?”

“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

“Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”

Estaba Dios con sus Arc�ngeles, creando el mundo, cuando le toca el turno de crear la Argentina, Dios dice:

“Le daremos tierras f�rtiles, que llamaremos La Pampa, y tambi�n al norte, las mejores tierras para que cultiven las mejores uvas, que daran los mejores vinos. Tambi�n le pondremos una hermosa cordillera, con nieves eternas, y le daremos inmensas playas, bosques llenos de vida, variedad de climas y fauna y bla-bla-bla…”

En eso uno de los arc�ngeles interrumpe y dice:

“Pero Dios, �tanta belleza y tanta fertilidad le daremos a ese pa�s? �no es demasiado?”

“�S�, pero despu�s le ponemos 35 millones de argentinos que se encargar�n de hacer mierda todo!”

Dos amigas est�n charlando:

“Me he enterado que Pili habla de ti por la espalda”.

“Vaya, �y se le entiende?”

your like a light switch even three year olds can turn you on

What is worst tasting, a bag of onions or porkloaf?

Porkloaf, why?

Because porkloaf spelled backwards is faolkrop which sounds like fowl crap.

How did Dairy Queen (U.S. restaurant) get Pregnant?

Burger King showed her it’s Whopper.

This is why “Sports Scholarship” is an oxymoron . . .

“You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle”
– Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

“That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.”
– Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker

“You guys line up alphabetically by height”
– Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

“I play football. I’m not trying to be a professor. The tests don’t seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven’t been through in school.”
-Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements

“I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class”
– George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach

“Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.”
-Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King

“I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”
-Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

“The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That’s why nobody goes to see the game anymore.”
-Yogi Berra

“I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.”
-Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

“Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
-Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann

‘The word of the day is legs. Let’s go back to my place and spread the word…’

‘Hey baby, can I tickle your belly button from the inside?’

‘I like every bone in your body especially mine… ‘

‘My face is leaving in 15 minutes be on it…’

‘Why don’t you sit on my face and let me eat my way to your heart?’

‘I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I sure can make your bed rock…’

‘Is that a mirror in your pants, because I can see myself in them?’

‘When does your centerfold come out?’

‘So do ya wanna see something really swell?’

‘Is your name Gillette? Because you’re the best a man can get…’

‘You’re like Pringles once I pop you, I can’t stop you…’

‘You have great legs, what time do they open?’

‘If you were a car door, I would slam you all night long…’

A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, “Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog and it has eliminated all our visibility.” The passengers were numb with fear, except for one – a retired minister. “Now, now, keep calm,” he said. “Let’s all bow our heads and pray.” Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray, except one man. “Why aren’t you bowing your head to pray?” the minister asked. “I don’t know how to pray,” replied the passenger. “Well, just do something religious!” instructed the minister. The man got up and passed his hat down the aisle, taking an offering.

A lady is golfing with some friends. After sinking her first putt, she’s on her way down the path to the second tee when she gets stung by a bee. She rushes the short distance back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She bumps into the resident golf pro, who says “What can I help you with?”The woman tells him she’s been stung by a bee. The pro asks, “Oh really, where?”The lady replies, “Between the first and second hole.”To that the golf pro states, “Well, first of all, your stance to way too wide!”