I’m comming

A small boy walks into his mother’s room and inadvertently catches her topless.

‘Mummy, Mummy, what are those?’ he says, pointing to her breasts.

‘Well, son,’ she says, ‘these are… er, balloons. And when I die, they inflate and float me up to heaven.’

Incredibly, the boy appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied.

Two days later, while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen.

‘Mummy, Mummy, Aunt Eliza is dying!’

‘What do you mean?’ asks his mother.

Well, she’s out in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both her balloons are out, Daddy’s blowing them up, and she keeps yelling,
‘God, I’m coming! God, I’m coming!’

Difficuilt to say

Difficult words to say when you are sober……

* Innovative
* Preliminary
* Proliferation

Impossible words to say when you are drunk…..

* Thanks, but I don’t want sex
* No, I don’t want another drink
* No Kebab for me, thank you
* Sorry, but you are not quite good looking enough for me
* Good evening Officer

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Alien Invasion

The President was awakened one night by an urgent call from the
Pentagon. “Mr. President,” said the four-star general, barely to
contain himself, “there’s good news and bad news.” “Oh, no,”
muttered the President, “Well, let me have the bad news first.”
“The bad news, sir, is that we’ve been invaded by creatures from
another planet.” “Gosh, and the good news?” “The good news, sir,
is that they eat reporters and pee oil.”

Erection

This poor guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.

All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.

Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.

“Oh no!” he moaned, “this means I’ll never be able to experience an erection ever again!”

“Of course you will,” one of the doctors soothed. It’ll just have to be someone else’s, that’s all.”

The one that got awa

Two friends out fishing for carp.The one chap stands up and as he does,his wallet falls into the water and slowly starts to sink to the bottom of the lake.As he feverishly attempts to retrieve it,two huge carp appear and both grab the wallet in their mouths and start fighting over it’s possession. The fellow turns to his friend and says “First time I see carp to carp walleting”.

New Guy On The Job

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

“What is your name?” was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

“John,” the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only… Smith, Jones, Baker… that’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”

The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”

“Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is…”

Dos argentinas quedan en pana

Dos argentinas quedan en pana en la carretera austral de Chile, lugar absolutamente desolado, cuando por esas casualidades de la vida se encuentran con dos huasitos. El di�logo es el siguiente:

“�Che viste!, nuestro carro sufri� un desperfecto y no sabemos como repararlo, ser�a posible que nos ayudaran. Har�amos cualquier cosa para pagarles este favor.”

Los huasitos quedan pensando un momento y al ver a las esculturales argentinas les dicen:

“Bueno pues, se�oritas, ustedes se suben la faldita, se bajan los calzoncitos y nosotros hacemos el resto pue…”

“�Pero che, responden las argentinas, eso no es ning�n problema viste, es m�s, lo hacemos con mucho gusto. Pero eso s�, van a tener que usar estos preservativos (condones) para que nosotras no quedemos embarazadas, viste!”

Los huasitos aceptan la proposici�n, sin tener idea de lo que estaban usando. Luego , los campesinos ayudaron a las argentinas con su auto.

Al cabo de dos meses, se vuelven a encontrar los campesinos en el mismo lugar donde hab�an ayudado a las argentinas.

“Oye Lucho, te acordai de las argentinas, estaban harto ricas las yeguas.”

“S� Pedro, teni toda la raz�n.”

“Oye Lucho, a vos te interesa que las argentinas queden embarazadas.”

“No Pedro, no me interesa.”

“Entonces Lucho, �porque no nos sacamos de una vez, esta bolsa pl�stica del pico!”

Messages

Two dogs were walking down the street. The one dog says to the other, “Wait here a minute, I’ll be right back.”

He walks across the street and sniffs this fire hydrant for about a minute, then walks back across the street.

The other dog says, “What was that about?”

The dog first dog says, “I was just checking my messages.”

Submitted by curtis
Edited by axelwang

Way to Go Grandma

There was a girl who was a prostitute, but her grandmother didn’t know about her occupation. One day, the police rounded up a group of pros and the girl was busted.The cops had all the girls lined up against a wall of the street where they were caught soliciting. Just then the granny walked by and saw her granddaughter, she asked the girl, “What are you lining up for?”

The granddaughter, not willing to reveal the truth, told her grandmother that she was lining up for some free oranges. Well, grandma, not one for passing up something free, joined the back of the line.

A policeman who was going down the lineup taking information from each girl, soon reached the grandmother. He was stunned and bewildered to see her so he asked carefully,”Ma’am, you’re rather old to be out here, how do you still do it?”

Grandma proudly replied, “Oh, it’s easy, I just take out my teeth and suck’em dry.”