Category: other

El rey de la selva invit� a todos los animales a un gran banquete con una condici�n: al final, el animal m�s feo se quedar�a a lavar los trastes.

Cuando termin� la comida, el le�n empez� a escrutar a todos los animales para determinar qui�n se quedar�a. Primero pas� la jirafa y �sta dijo:

“Yo no puedo ser el animal m�s feo, pues mi largo cuello y esbelto cuerpo es hermoso”.

Pas� el pavo real: “Yo con mis hermosas y suaves plumas no puedo ser”.

Siguieron pasando los dem�s animales, hasta que al final se quedaron tan s�lo el chango y el orangut�n. Se miran uno al otro, y despu�s de unos segundos el chango propone:

“Ya, no te hagas: yo los lavo y t� los enjuagas”.

Why did the fag have sex with a girl?
Because she was a transvestite.

Yo family is so poor, that when I was kicking a can down the street, you came out and said, Stop kicking our house.

Top Ten Ways Michael Jackson Would Be Cooler if He Lived in the Star Wars Universe

1. Due to high loss-of-hand rate, wearing one glove is fashionably acceptable

2. Would not have needed huge effects budget for ‘Captain EO’

3. In shocking revelation, he might have really been the father of Billie Jean’s son

4. Could really walk on moon

5. After skin-altering disease, could become Light Lord of the Sith

6. Could ease tensions between Empire and Alliance with anti-violence message of ‘Beat It’

7. Imperial breath mask could give him the deep voice he never had

8. Improved medical technology could make new nose and chin more realistic

9. Would have sure-fire hit with Sy Snootles duet

10. Would strengthen characterization of movies by making Luke look manly

60% of all Orientals have cataracts; the other 40 percent drive Lincoln Continentals.

There once was a man he was very clumsy,idotic,and forgetful.
His wife was very tired of his ways and wanted to change him.She
thought and she pondered over what she’d do. i’ll teach him a
lesson that he wont forget she said. The next day she told her
husband that if he could not complete the task she was to give
him shed leave him. She made him wrie the following on a peice
of paper: I am sofa king we tod did.

She told him to balance the paper on his head and at the same
time memorize the words.She made him still jumpup and down with
a glass of water and the paper over it ,w/out wetting the
paper,still she made him memorize the words. Then that night she
announced in front of him and his friends,”what do u have to say”
He proudly announced “I am sofa king we tod did”
………(translates to i am so fucking retarted)

A man went to apply for a job.

After filling out the necessary applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.

The employer read his applications and said, “We have an opening for people like you.”

“Oh, great,” he said, “What is it?”

“It’s called the door!”

An American, an Italian, and a Mexican are eating together. The Italian eats part of his breadstick and throws it away. The Mexican asks him why he threw it away and the Italian answers, “There’s plenty of them where I come from.”

The Mexican eats part of his nachos and throws the rest away. The Italian asks why and the Mexican says “There’s plenty of them where I come from.”

Then the American takes the Mexican and throws him over the bridge. The Italian asks why, and the American says, “There’s plenty of them where I come from.”

How did Burger King get Diary Queen Pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his whopper.

1. Juggle the fruits and “accidently” hit the other customers as
they fall off course. (not into your hands) “When they say “OW!”
say, “I’m so sorry… come here you little juggle… and
apologize. After a few moments of silence start spanking thin
air. (Make little squirming noises, act very serious)

2. Wedge things in all the freezer and refrigerator doors so
that they don’t close all the way. Write little notes saying:
WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND?!

3. Buy a live lobster and set it free in the store.

4. Find a shopping cart with soda in it and shake the *&$%#@ out
of them! Then put them back into the shopping cart.

5. Have shopping cart races down the aisles.

6. Talk to the fresh fish.

7. Dump the tray of food samples in your purse or pockets. Then
say in a sorry look…”I’m hungry…” then llok down at your
stomach.

8. Go up to a random person and ask when their b-day is. If they
don’t tell you scream out “HAPPRY BIRTHDAY!!!” and make the
person VERY embarrased. If they do tell you pretend you couldn’t
hear them and say, “What is that? You want to steal something?!”
(act alarmed)

9. Use cantalopes for bowling balls and pineapples for bowlings
pins and hold a bowling tournament in the aisles.

10. “Accidentally” drop a jar of pickles and walk away very,
very fast if people ask if you had done it say, “It was the fish
in the seafood aisle, I saw him do it!!!”

11. Fill a shopping cart with things like toilet paper, daipers,
and kleenex and leave it in the meat aisle.

12. Throw a party by yourself, for yourself.

13. Use a banana as a telephone and talk to your Aunt Edna.

14. Go to sleep in a shopping cart in the middle of the aisle
and when you sense that someone is watching you start blowing
bubbles out of your mouth and act like a little baby. sleeping.

15. Make race car noises as you “drive” your shopping cart up
and down the aisles. ex. SCEEEEEEERCH! EEEER!

16. Try to auction off a grapefruit starting from $100.00

17. When they ask you if you want “paper or plastic” reply,
“papestic please.” Then smile evily.

18. Switch the price labels on very expensive items with those
of very cheap items. Then try to buy the expensive items with
the cheap price label on it.

19. Play hopscotch on the tiles on the floor then pretend you
snapped your ankle and start crying. When the manager comes say
“I’m gonna sue you! You should have a sign that says: NO
HOPSCOTCHING. Then pout.

20. Tell them you are with the Department of Health and you need
to test ALL of their foods.

21. Get in the express line with more than ninty items. When
they tell you to go to another line start crying. Or smile and
run out the store abandoning your shopping cart that’s filled
with ninty items.

22. Try a food sample and then say in a loud voice, “This tastes
like my friends dog…” Then duck low pretending to be ashamed
of yourself.

23. Whenever someone is blocking the aisle infrontof you go
“Beep beep!” If they STILL won’t move say “I’m gonna give you a
ticket you know…”

24. Buy 75 sticks of deodorant. Then open them all and place
them facing up in front of a busy aisle making it impossible to
get out of the aisle without hitting the 75 sticks of deodorant.
And say “HA HA, gotcha!”

25. Randomly stick boxes of Midol into guys’ shopping carts when
they aren’t looking.

26. Ask one of the cashiers if they have any pork that is
suitable for a sacrificial offering.

27. Sing “Mary Had a Little Lamb” very loudly while walking
around the supermarket with a shopping cart full of lambchops.

One day a little boy went to kindergarden for his first time.
The teacure told the whole class to make up spelling words for
homework. So the boy went home and asked his his older brother
what his first spelling word should be. His brother said
SHUTUP!!! So then he goes and askes his little brother, who
likes batman, what his second spelling word should be. His
brother said “DUH DUH DUH DUH BATMAN” so the boy writes this
down. Then he goes to his 16 year old sister and says what
should my third word be. she was talking on the phone and said”
LETS GO BABY” So the boy writes this down. Then he goes to his
crazy and messed up dad and says what should my fourth word be?
The dad who is crazy says “GOODY GOODY GUM DROPS” So the boy
writes that down. Then the boy goes to his mom and says I need
a spelling word. So the mom ,who was cooking, was about to say
cat when cried out “MY BUNS ARE ON FIRE!!!!!” So the boy wrote
that down. Then he went to his sisters room and she was
cleaning her room. So she didnt hear him ask what a good
spelling word would be. All she said was ” NUTTIN BUT TRASH!!”
So naturaly the boy wrote that down.

The next day at school the teachure asked the class who would
like to go first and the boy raised his hand. So the teachure
acked him what his first word was and he said SHUT UP then she
said hey who do you think you are? And he said DUH DUH DUH DUH
BATMAN!! and she got mad and said do you want to go to the
princables office and he said LETS GO BABY . At the princeables
office the princable said you are suspended and the boy replied
GOODY GOODY GUM DROPS!! then the princeable got mad and spanked
the boy. the boy cried out MY BUNS ARE ON FIRE!!! Then the
princable said hey boy what do you think this school is made of?
And the boy replied “NUTTIN BUT TRASH!!!!!!!”

Difficult words to say when you are sober……

* Innovative
* Preliminary
* Proliferation

Impossible words to say when you are drunk…..

* Thanks, but I don’t want sex
* No, I don’t want another drink
* No Kebab for me, thank you
* Sorry, but you are not quite good looking enough for me
* Good evening Officer

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis