Category: other

You’re So Ugly When You Die You’ll Have To Be Turned In To
Ashes!!!!

Aug. 12 Moved to our new home in Montana. It is so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see the snow covering them.

Oct. 14 Montana is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise! I love it here.

Nov. 11 Deer season will start soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.

Dec. 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleared the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight, I won. Than the snowplow came by. We had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place! I love Montana!!

Dec. 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did it’s trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

Dec. 19 More snow last night. Couldn’t get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snowplow.

Dec. 21 More of that fucking white shit fell last night. I’ve got blisters on my hands from shoveling snow. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I’m done shoveling the driveway. ASSHOLE!!

Dec. 25 Merry Fucking Christmas. More fucking snow!! If I ever get my hands on the son-of-a-bitch who drives the snowplow, I swear I’ll kill the bastard. Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice.

Dec. 27 More of the white shit last night. Been inside for three days except to shovel the driveway each time the fucking snowplow goes by. Can’t go anywhere. Car’s stuck in a mountain of that shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10″ again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10″ is??

Dec. 28 The fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34″ of that white shit this time. At this rate it won’t melt before summer. The snowplow got stuck down the road and the ASSHOLE came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. I told him I had broken six shovels already shoveling all that fucking white shit he had pushed into the driveway. I broke the seventh one over his fucking head.

Jan. 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get groceries. On the way back, a fucking deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. About $3,000 damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should all be killed. Wish the bunters had killed them all last November.

May 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe, the son-of-a-bitch is rusting out from all the salt they put on the roads??

May 10 Moved to Florida. Can’t imagine why anyone in their right minds would ever want to live in that fucking state of Montana!!!!

What did the Polock and the Mexican name their baby?
RETARDO

Iba una lombriz muy tranquila avanzando por ah� por cualquier parte, por donde la llevara su cuerpo, e iba tarareando:

“La, la, la…”

Cuando, de repente, se encuentra con un plato de espagueti. La lombricita salta llena de alegr�a diciendo:

“�Uy, lucha libre!”

One seventh of your life is spent on monday.

Really Stupid People Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message “He’s lying” was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the “lie detector” was working, the suspect confessed.

What is the difference between a vulture and your mother-in-law?
Vultures wait until your dead to pick on you.

1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won’t come down until your demands are met. 2) Tell the lifeguards that they aren’t doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people kind of almost drown today. 3) Ask people if they have seen your pet shark. 4) Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys. 5) Take a flutter board and pretend you can’t swim. 6) Hit strangers with your flutter board. 7) Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you. 8) Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, ”Oh yeah… oooh that feels soooo good….” 9) Sit on the top of the water slide and don’t move. 10) Swim near someone and go ”Shoot! I knew I shouldn’t have had so much lemonade before I came here.” 11) Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool. 12) Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say ”HA-HA, fooled you!” 13) Scream as someone is jumping off of a diving board. 14) Laugh at fat people in swimsuits. 15) Tell people you saw the lifeguard peeing in the pool. 16) Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed. 17) Try to negotiate the price of getting in. 18) Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off. 19) When in line, ask strangers if they think invisible people get a discount. 20) Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say ”Wheee! I’m Batman!” while running around. 21) Hit strangers with your wet towel. 22) Throw people’s things into the pool. 23) Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grand-finale. 24) Play Marco-Polo by yourself. 25) Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.

A wealthy socialite had a night out on the town with her friends.

She awoke the next morning, totally naked and with a monster of a hang-over.

So she rang for the butler and asked for a cup of strong black coffee.

“Jeeves” she said, “I can’t remember a thing about last night. How did I get to bed?”

“Well Madam, I carried you upstairs and put you to bed”

“But my dress?”

“It seemed a pity to crumple it, so I took it off and hung it up”

“But what about my underwear?”

“I thought the elastic might stop the circulation, so I took the liberty of removing them.”

“What a night!” she said. “I must have been tight!”

“Only the first time, Madam.”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by curtis

Un tipo recibe una llamada an�nima avis�ndole que su mujer lo enga�a con un tal Fernando… todos los d�as en cuanto el se va al trabajo.

Al d�a siguiente, el tipo parte pero se queda espiando desde la esquina. Al rato ve llegar a Fernando buen mozo, 2 metros de alto, cuerpo atl�tico, aristocr�tico, ropa italiana de �ltima moda, el cual con un ramo de flores en la mano, toca el timbre de su casa.

Desde lejos ve que su mujer le abre y lo hace entrar. El marido corre, abre con su llave sin hacer ruido, entra sigilosamente y esp�a por la puerta entreabierta del dormitorio. Fernando se saca la chaqueta revelando unos hombros poderosos y arm�nicos. La mujer lo besa apasionadamente y se saca los zapatos.

El marido no sabe que hacer, que decir, ni como intervenir y s�lo atina a seguir espiando. Fernando se saca la camisa de seda natural y muestra un torso perfecto, un vientre duro y sin un gramo de grasa.

La mujer se saca la falda y lo acaricia con locura.

Fernando se saca los pantalones y sus piernas son virilmente perfectas y un instrumento que le cuelga de envidia.

La mujer se saca la blusa y al soltarse el sost�n se le caen las “tetas” hasta el ombligo… “�Qu� horrible ecena!”

El marido afligid�simo esconde la cara entre las manos y murmura:

“�Puta madre, vieja de mierda, qu� verg�enza con Fernando!

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race. Both
teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team became
very discouraged and morally depressed.

The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be
found. A Management Team made up of senior management was formed to investigate
and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people
rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and
one person rowing.

American management hired a consulting company and paid them an incredible
amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while
not enough people were rowing. To prevent losing to the Japanese again next
year, the rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4
steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant
superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system
that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.
It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners and
free pens for the rower. We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments
through this quality program.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American
management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new
canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.
Then they distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

When this guy heard that the Pope was coming to town, he went out and
bought a tuxedo in the hope that the Pope might notice him on the parade
route. When he went to the parade, there was this bum standing next to him,
with old, dirty clothes on. The the guy’s amazement, when the Pope came, he
went over to the bum, and whispered something in his ear. Enraged, the guy
went over to the bum and offered him $100 for the clothes off his back. Next
day, he went back to the parade dressed like a bum. Sure enough, when the
Pope came, he stopped in front of this guy, and whispered in his ear, “I
thought I told you to get the hell out of here!”