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Un tipo camina lentamente por una playa e, indignado, hace comentarios:
“�Qu� plabeyos!… �Qu� cabrones!… �Cagaron toda la playa!… No hay donde poner el pie… Todo est� lleno de mierda… Y nadie lo limpia… �Oh, por fin! �Hay un pedazo limpio!”
Y se agacha para echar una cagadita.
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says “Sorry, you know the law, you’ve got to go back across the border right now.”
The mexican man pleads with them, “No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!”
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I’m going to make it hard for him and says “Ok, I’ll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence”.
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, “The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence.”
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, “Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?”
Un hombre se dirige a Texas para hablar con el Gran Jefe de un campamento indio. Una vez all�, se encuentra con un ind�gena y le pregunta:
“�D�nde puedo encontrar al Gran Jefe?”
El nativo le responde:
“Gran Jefe Indio estar en gran cascada”.
“�Y d�nde est� la gran cascada?”
Molesto, el apache le responde:
“�Mi no saber, hoy casc�rsela aqu� y ma�ana por all�!”
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the
Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said,
“Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser.”
“Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. “I told him St. Patrick
was a loser, and he didn’t care.” The second Englishman remarked, “You just
don’t know how to set him off…watch and learn.” So, the second Englishman
walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “Hey, I hear
your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!”
“Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. “You’re right.
He’s unshakable!”
The third Englishman remarked, “Boys, I’ll really tick him off… just watch.”
So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder
and said, “I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!”
“Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me.”
A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in the hanger at
JFK airport in New York; it’s fogged over and they have nothing to do.
One of them says to the other, “Man, have you got anything to drink?” The
other one says, “Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel and that will give you a
buzz.” So they decide to try the jet fuel, they get trashed and have a good old
time like only drinking buddies can do.
The following morning one of them wakes up and is afraid to sit up for fear
his head will explode from the awful hangover he’s going to have. He gets up and
feels good, in fact he feels GREAT! NO HANGOVER!
The phone rings and it’s his buddy. The buddy says, “Hey how are you feeling
this morning? I’m actually feeling really good!” The buddy says, “Me too! I feel
great! Man that jet fuel is great stuff! No hangover…we ought to do this more
often!”
“Yeah, we could but there’s just one thing….” “What’s that?” “Did you fart
yet?” “No…Why?” “Well, DON’T, ’cause I’m in PHOENIX!”
From London Times via Car and Driver: Comrade Gorbachev is being driven from his dacha to Moscow and is in a hurry. He is getting irritated with the slowness of his driver.”Can’t you go any faster?” he says angrily.”I have to obey the speed limits,” says the driver. Finally Gorbachev orders the driver into the back and takes the wheel. Sure enough a patrol car soon pulls them over. The senior officer orders the junior to go write up the ticket. But the junior officer comes back and says he can’t give them a ticket, the person in the car is too important. “Well, who is it?” the senior officer asks. “I didn’t recognize him,” says the junior officer, “but Comrade Gorbachev is his chauffeur.”
Q: What’s rough and hairy on the outside, soft and wet on the inside, starts
with a c, ends with a t, and has a u and an n in it?
A: A coconut.
What does an [ethnic] call his pet zebra?
Spot!
Form� parte de m�
fue un corto tiempo
pas� desapercibida
fui indiferente, fui lento
�Por qu�? me pregunto ahora
si tan importante fue para mi vida
el desprecio asoma en mis pupilas
es cruel e injusta mi perfidia
Qui�n lo creyera
otrora sustento, hoy basura
el aire, oxidante, a�n no la da�a
a�n es limpia, a�n es pura
Nunca la hab�a observado bien
hasta hoy, a trav�s del agua
como salamandra hermosa
me observ� tambi�n
Su t�mida mirada
algo me quer�a decir suplicante
su inmovilidad fue la pauta
para dejarla de ver, fui cobarde
Ahora, pasado el tiempo,
un nudo ahoga mi garganta
qu� poco valoramos nuestros logros…
Inconmovible baj� la palanca.
“Poema escrito en una ida al ba�o”
Important Warning for those who have been drawn unsuspectingly into the use of bread:
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called “dough.” It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a “gateway” food item, leading the user to “harder” items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide “Just Say No To Toast” campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of “Bread-free” zones around schools.
Q. What do Micheal Jackson and Burger King have in common?
A. They both stick thier meat in five year old buns.
Un hombre va a visitar a su esposa que llevaba varios anos en coma. En esta visita decide acariciarle el pecho izquierdo en vez de solo hablarle.
Haciendo esto, a ella se le escapa un suspiro.
El hombre sale corriendo para dec�rselo al doctor, y le dice que es una buena se�al y que pruebe a acariciarle el pecho derecho.
El hombre entra en la habitaci�n, le acaricia el derecho y esto hace que suspire aun mas fuerte. El doctor le sugiere al hombre que vaya dentro y que pruebe con sexo oral a ver si con eso se despierta.
El hombre entra, y sale a los cinco minutos dici�ndole al doctor que su mujer est� muerta.
El doctor le pregunta que ha pasado, a lo que el hombre le esponde:
“Se ha ahogado, doctor.”