Category: other

How do you know when there’s a railway strike in Ireland?

– Panic buying at the ticket office.

Max, the schlemiel, can’t find a job. He finally applies for a job as a janitor at the Catholic Church. They decide to give him a trial run and see what it is like for a Jewish man to work here.

After a week, he is told, “Max, things are working out fine. I just have a few corrections. First, when you wash your hands, use the bathroom, don’t use the holy water. Second, when you hang your coat up, use the cloakroom, do not hang it on the cross. Third, my name is Mother Superior, not Mother Shapiro!”

An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, “Can I help you lad?”
“Yesh, Shombody shtole me car!”, the Irishman replies.

The cop asks, “Well now, where was your car last time you saw it?”
“It was at the end of this key.”

About this time the cop looks down to see that the Irishman’s member is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks, “Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”

The Irishman looks down woefully and moans “OOH GOD… they got me girl too!”

During a busy Pre-Christmas day at Sydney airport, a crowded flight was
cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced
travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped
his ticket down on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has
to be FIRST CLASS.”

The agent replied, “I’m sorry sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve
got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something
out.”

The passenger was unimpressed. He SCREAMED, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, “Do you have ANY idea who I am?” Without hesitating, the
gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

“May I have your attention please?” she began, her voice bellowing throughout
the terminal. We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOWS WHO HE IS.
If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17.” With the
folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the airline
agent, gritted his teeth and swore, “Screw you.”

Without flinching, she smiled and replied, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to
stand in line for that, too.”

Ever wondered which cartoon character you are most like? Well, a
team of researchers got together and analyzed the personalities
of cartoon characters, and put the information gathered into
this quiz. Answer each question with the answer that most
describes you, then add up the points that correspond with your
answer. Don’t cheat!!!!!!! Then send this to all your friends
including the person who sent it to you with your cartoon
character in the subject line.

1. What describes your perfect date?
a) Candlelight dinner for two
b) Amusement Park
c) Rollerblading in the park
d) Rock Concert
e) See a movie

2. What is your favorite type of music?
a) Rock and Roll
b) Alternative
c) Soft Rock
d) Classical
e) Popular

3. What is your favorite type of movie?
a) Comedy
b) Horror
c) Musical
d) Romance
e) Documentary

4. Which of the following jobs would you chose if you were given
only these choices?
a) Waiter/Waitress
b) Sports Player
c) Teacher
d) Policeman
e) Bartender

5. Which would you rather do if you had an hour to waste?
a) work out
b) Read
c) Watch TV
d) Listen to the radio
e) Sleep

6. Of the following colors, which do you like the best?
a) yellow
b) white
c) sky blue
d) teal
e) red

7. Which one of the following would you like to eat right now?
a) ice cream
b) pizza
c) sushi
d) pasta
e) salad

8. What is your favorite holiday?
a) Halloween
b) Christmas
c) New Year’s
d) Valentine’s Day
e) Thanksgiving

9. If you could go to any of the following places, which would
it be?
a) Paris
b) Spain
c) Las Vegas
d) Hawaii
e) Hollywood

10. Of the following, who would you rather spend time with?
a) Someone who is smart
b) Someone with good looks
c) Someone who is a party animal
d) Someone who has fun all the time
e) Someone who is very emotional

Now total up your points and find your character below:

1. a 4 2. a 2 3. a 2 4. a 4 5. a 5
b 2 b 1 b 1 b 5 b 4
c 5 c 4 c 3 c 3 c 2
d 1 d 5 d 4 d 2 d 1
e 3 e 3 e 5 e 1 e 3

6. a 1 7. a 3 8. a 1 9. a 4 10. a 5
b 5 b 2 b 3 b 5 b 2
c 3 c 1 c 2 c 1 c 1
d 2 d 4 d 4 d 2 d 3
e 4 e 5 e 5 e 3 e 4

10-17 points: You are TAZ. You are wild and crazy and you know
it. You know how to have fun, but you may take it to extremes.
You know what you are doing though, and are much in control of
your own life. People don’t always see things your way, but that
doesn’t mean that you should do away with your beliefs. Try to
remember that your wild spirit can lead to hurting yourself and
others.

18-26 points: You are Bugs Bunny You are fun, friendly, and
popular. You are a real crowd pleaser. You have probably been
out on the town your share of times, yet you come home with the
values that your mother taught you. Marriage and children are
important to you, but only after you have fun. Don’t let the
people you please influence you to stray.

27-34 points: You are Tweety You are cute, and everyone loves
you. You are a best friend that no one takes a chance of losing.
You never hurt feelings and seldom have your own feelings hurt.
Life is a breeze. You are witty, and calm most of the time. Just
keep clear of backstabbers, and you are worry free.

35-42 points: You are Peppe Le Pew (without the smell) You are
a lover. Romance, flowers, and wine are all you need to enjoy
yourself. You are serious about all commitments. A family
person. You call your Mom every Sunday, and never forget a
Birthday. Don’t let your passion for romance get confused with
the real thing.

43-50 points: You are Speedy Gonzales You are smart, a real
thinker. Every situation is approached with a plan. You are very
healthy in mind and body. You teach strong family values. Keep
your feet planted in them but don’t overlook a bad situation
when it does happen.

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

Guy’s wife comes home from her physical checkup at the M.D.’s, and her hubby
says, “Well, how did it go?” She tells him, “The doctor says I’m in perfect
shape!” Husband says, “Oh, yeah? How about that big fat ass?” She says, “Oh, we
didn’t talk about you!”

16> “Actually, I’ve been here for over 20 minutes, big guy — I was
just out chillin’ in the van waiting for the end of the live version of
‘Freebird’.”

15> “I keep forgetting which side of the International Date Line
you’re on.”

14> “We’re *open* on Tuesdays?!?”

13> “It took this long to get the ol’ blood alcohol level down to
the legal driving limit.”

12> “I had to take extra time this morning to wrestle with
overwhelming aggressive impulsies by reassuring myself that nothing
would happen today that would push me over the edge.”

11> “My proctologist got stuck.”

10> “It was Senator Kennedy’s turn to drive today, so I’ve spent the
last hour swimming.”

9> “I’m late because I was on the phone trying to get *your* lousy
shipping department to send the company’s office supplies directly to
the winner of my eBay auction.”

8> “Hey, time becomes meaningless when you’re as strung out on
crystal meth as I am.”

7> “Sorry, sir.  I overslept and dreamt I had a dead-end job, a
windowless office and a humorless baboon for a boss.”

6> “Heidi Klum refused to untie me.”

5> “On the second Tuesday of the month, the Campho-Phenique man
comes by to fill the drum for my home supply of industrial-strength
anti-canker sore gel.”

4> “I’m sorry, boss, but I had to stop to get you — uh — this box
of ten donuts.”

3> “It took me a little longer than normal to hide my disdain this
morning…  Sir.”

2> “My dog ate my presentation, sir.  And by ‘my dog’ I mean
your wife, and by ‘ate my presentation’ I mean ‘was boinking me’.”

1> “These are not the ‘droids you’re looking for.”

            
[  The Top 5 List   www.topfive.com 
]             
[   Copyright 2004 by Chris White    ]

Bonifacio en el consultorio de un m�dico:

“Doctor, cuando yo duermo, ronco mucho y muy fuertemente”.

“�Le molesta mucho?”

“No, a m� no”.

“�Le molesta a su esposa?”

“No, ella duerme que ni un ca��n la despierta”.

“�Les molesta a los vecinos?”

“Yo no tengo vecinos”.

“Entonces, �cu�l es el problema?”

“Es que por eso me han botado cinco veces del trabajo”.

What happened to a Brighton Beach prostitute who had an appendectomy
performed by a Soviet emigre surgeon?

He sewed up the wrong hole, so now she’s making money on the side.

“Abducted Child of Fortune 500 CEO Attacked By Shark”

One day, a retarded boy and his father decide to take a trip to
the Grand Canyon.

Upon their arival in the giant crack, the father yells out
“HELLOOO!” They hear the echo going “Helloo!” “hellooo”

The retarded boy is amazed at the echo, and tries yelling
something himself, “Yeref erad uauff kaschader!” The echo came
back, “What the fuck did you say?”