Category: other

When I was young I used to pray for a bicycle.

Then I realized that God doesn’t work that way.

So I stole a bicycle and prayed for forgiveness.

‘You know, honey,’ the little old lady said. ‘My nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago.’

‘I’m not surprised,’ replied Gramps. ‘One’s in your coffee and the other is in your porridge.’

What’s the new Jewish-Chineese resturant called?

– “So Sue Me”

There was a couple that was married for 20 years, and every time
they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the
lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She
figured she would break him out of his crazy habit. So one
night, while they were in the middle of doing it, she turned
on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a
dildo. She gets completely upset.
“You impotent bastard, ” she sreamed at him, ” how could you be
lying to me all of these years. You better explain yourself!”
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly “
I’ll explain the dildo….if you explain our three kids.”

A child walks into a whore house with a dead frog on a string trailing behind him. He makes his way up to the counter and says to the person behind such named counter to give him the most diseased woman you have.

She looks down at him for a few moments and replies “I’m sorry but I don’t think I can help you….If you would like, we have this young petite thing that could be just what your looking for.”

The child puts a 50 dollar bill on the table and repeats “I want the most diseased woman you have.”

She looks down at the bill and hesitates but she says to him “I can’t, but we have this nice grandmotherly type for you to cuddle and snuggle up to.”

The child looking irritated slams down another 50 dollar bill insisting that she give him the most diseased woman they have. A few moments go by and finally the lady agrees and tells him to go to room 114 and wait a few moments.

As he goes up the stairs the dead frog on a string follows right behind him, hitting every step on the way.

Half an hour go by and the child comes down the stairs with the dead frog trailing behind. As he is just about to step out the door and back outside the woman behind the counter stops him.

“Excuse me, but I have on question before you go…what is the dead frog for?

Turning around the child has a look of pure sencerity as he begins to explain.

“I wanted the disease so I could give it to my sister, who would give it to my dad, who would give it to my mom, who would give it to the mail man…And that’s the Son of a Bitch who ran over my pet frog.”

Submitted by Spyked4105
Edited by Curtis and Tantilazing

Llega Andr�s Pastrana a una reuni�n con su gabinete a las 2:30 am.

“Se�ores… �Renuncio! Me voy de este pa�s lleno de pobreza, guerrilla y criticones…”

Toma un respiro y ante la mirada at�nita de todo su gabinete sigue:

“Me lleg� una carta de Bush donde me dice que me va a nombrar asesor en el Medio Oriente”.

Pastrana saca un sobre sellado y estampado ‘TOP SECRET’ (como en las pel�culas de esp�as) y lo tira al centro de la mesa del despacho. Uno de sus asesores, a�n sin haberse recuperado de la sorpresa, toma el sobre; saca la carta que contiene; la lee y, aguantando la risa, se dirige al Se�or Presidente:

“�Eh, Andr�s! Aqu� no dice que te van a nombrar asesor en Medio Oriente. El presidente Bush dice que te va a mandar un asesor para que te medio oriente…”

Did you hear about little Jimmy? He is four years old.

He was bugging his mother so she said, “Jimmy, why don’t you go
across the street and watch the builders work? Maybe you’ll
learn something.”

Jimmy was gone about 2 hours. When he came home, his mother
asked him what he learned.

Jimmy replied, “Well first you put the God damn door up. Then
the son-of-a-bitch doesn’t fit, now you have to take the cock
sucker back down. Then you have to take a cunt hair off each
side and put the mother fucker back up.”

Jimmy’s mother said, “You wait till your dad gets home!”

When Jimmy’s dad got home, mom told him to ask Jimmy what he
learned across the street. Jimmy told him the whole story.

Dad said, “Jimmy, you go outside and get a switch!”

Jimmy replied, “Fuck you, that’s the electrician’s job!”

Big chiefs wife goes to see the tribe doctor.
She tells him “Doctor, Big Chief, no fart” “Ahh” says the Doctor “take this tablet to him and tell him to stick it up his bum then come back in one week”. So off she goes. All well and done,she returns a week later. “Doctor, Big Chief still no fart. “Hmmm I see” he says.”Here,take this pill and do as you did last week”. With that the Doctor hands her a pill the size of a matchbox. A week soon passes and she returns. “Doctor big chief still no-fucking fart”.”Oh I see”, says doctor, “Here take this and repeat the process” The Doctor hands her a tennis ball sized pill.The wife goes home to her flatulated spouse. She does as is told and returns to see the doctor the following morning looking rather bewildered. The doctor sits her down and asks her to report the outcome. After countless sobs she blurts out “Doctor, Big fart no fucking Chief”.

Which came first?
The chicken or the egg?

Neither… The rooster came first.

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador.

For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, “As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette.”

“One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded – you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger.”

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was much impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay.

Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, “Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette”.

So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.

The African ambassador said, “These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex – take your pick”.

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn’t see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, “Well, ok, great, but where’s the roulette part? Where’s the danger?”

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:

“One of them’s a cannibal.”

A man was going away on a trip for work. Before he left he stopped at an Adult Toy store to pick up something for his wife while he was away because she was a sex-aholic.

He didnt want her fucking just any guy so when he went into the store he told the clerk his issue.

The man said “I have just what you need”.

He went to the back and brought out a large green box. “This is my little green fucking machine. It never tires and it will “DO” whatever you want it to. Just say “Little Green Fucking Machine”, and whatever you want it to fuck and when you are done just say little green fucking machine off. It wont stop til it’s off”.

So the man bought the toy and went home to show his wife. She was very amused and decided to use it no more than 5 minutes after he left.

“Little green phucking machine….me”. She and the machine went at it for 4 or 5 hours.

When she was done she realized she didn’t remember the command to turn it off. So she threw it off of her and ran away….butt naked.

A neighbor saw the woman running in the nude and called the police.

When the police officer stopped the woman about a mile down the road she told him the whole story.

When she was through the officer laughed and replied “little green phucking machine my ass”.

Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtius

Q: Did you hear about the 4 Pollocks who froze to death in a
drive-in movie???

They went to see “Closed For the Winter”!