Category: other

How do you compliment a donkey? ”Hey, nice ass!”

A modern woman is explaining to her little girl about pictures in the family photo album: “This is the geneticist with your surrogate mother and here’s your sperm donor and your father’s clone. This is me holding you when you were just a frozen embryo.””The lady with the very troubled look on her face is your aunt, a genealogist.”

Illiterate? No problem!

Write for free advice.

What did God say to Eve when he caught her swimming?

“Get thee out of the water
woman, I never will get that smell out of the fish.”

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.

Among them were:

His obnoxious brother………………………… Please Gogh His dizzy aunt………………………………. Verti Gogh The brother who ate prunes……………………..Gotta Gogh The constipated uncle………………………… Cant Gogh The brother who worked at a convenience store…….Stopn Gogh The grandfather from Yugoslavia…………………U Gogh The brother who bleached his clothes white……….Hue Gogh The cousin from Illinois……………………….Chica Gogh His magician uncle…………………………….Wherediddy Gogh His Italian uncle…………………………………Day Gogh His Mexican cousin…………………………….Amee Gogh The Mexican cousin’s American half brother……….Grin Gogh The nephew who drove a stage coach…………….. Wellsfar Gogh The ballroom dancing aunt………………………Tan Gogh A sister who loved disco……………………….Go Gogh The bird lover uncle…………………………..Flamin Gogh His nephew psychoanalyst……………………….E Gogh The fruit loving cousin………………………..Man Gogh An aunt who taught positive thinking…………….Wayto Gogh The little bouncy nephew……………………….Poe Gogh And his niece who travels the country in a van……Winnie Bay Gogh

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, “You know sometimes I just forget to eat.” Now I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name, and my keys. But I’ve never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of idiot to forget to eat!

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn’t really care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn’t all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, “Body, how’d you like to go to the six o’clock class in vigorous toning?” Clear as a bell my body said, “listen witch… do it and die!”

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria’s Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

“If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?”

Se encuentran dos argentinos por la calle y el uno le dice al otro:

“Como andas che, tanto tiempo, que es de tu vida.”

“Y mira, yo siempre bien, imaginate que el otro d�a estaba con una mina en la cama haciendo el amor y al pie de la cama tengo un crucifijo y Jes�s desclav� las manos y empez� a aplaudir.”

“Bah, eso no es nada, en la m�a tengo un cuadro de la �ltima cena…

(lo interrumpe el otro)

“Me vas a decir que te aplaudieron tambi�n.”

“No, nada de eso che, ellos me hicieron la ola.”

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the possible merits of a mistress.The artist tells of the passion, the thrill, which comes with the risk of being discovered.The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.The computer scientist says, “It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My wife thinks I’m with my mistress. My mistress thinks I’m home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!”

A couple of farmers were walking back across the fields after a boozy lunch at the local when they spotted a lamb caught fast in the fence.

Ahrr, Jem, I could wish that was Anna Kournikova stuck in that fence like that,” chortled one.

Jem replied “Well, I’m just wishing it was dark”.

A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks him “where did you get that?”” The Parrot says “”Africa””

“

A woman and her little boy were walking through a park in New York and they pass two squirrels having sex.

The little boy asks his mom, “Mommy, mommy, what are they doing?”

The lady responded, “They’re making a sandwich.”

Then they pass two dogs having sex and the little boy again asks what they were doing.

His mother again replied they were making a sandwich.

A couple of days later the little boy walks in on his mother and father and said “Mommy, Daddy, you must be making a sandwich because, Mommy has mayonnaise all over her mouth!!!”

yo mamma is like McDonlds Billions served!